I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago (I was 13 weeks pregnant). I am 37 years old,not married, and have birthed no children. (I did have an abortion when I was 16 years old.) It has been a personal and internal intense challenge to regain some sense of normalcy, although from the outside you would never know, as I always wear a smile. I am a Principal, and LOVE the calling and service that I was chosen for. The miscarriage of 'oranjseed' - that was our nickname for the baby- occurred a little less than a month shy of the end of the school year. I work in a huge school district that is experiencing many and dramatic changes and have blocked any vacation days for the months of June, July, and August. Needless to say, I could not take any time off to besides the 2 days following it and the weekend (end of May). In addition to the regular end of the year chaos, my entire school had to be packed for our move back to our building. In essence... I have had no down time to really give time to processing and every-time I saw one of my kindergartners of first graders (which is often because I am always circulating the building), I got all filled up.
I struggle with knowing that the Bible forbids sex before marriage, and I have and continue to let God down after 10 years of celibacy. I wonder was the miscarriage a punishment for disobedience (abortion and premarital sex) as I do understand the law of reaping and sowing. I so want , need, and know I was chosen to be a wife and a mother...but when Will I be married? Will I ever conceive again? not only conceive, but carry to term and birth a healthy child? we (my Love and I) know we should wait until we are married to try again, but we are actively trying again (although we didn't consciously try the first time). Then I think about will I be focused enough to finish my dissertation...because now that I have to be at work, and no one is here... all I think about is oranjseed and the aforementioned questions. I get down on myself for letting my parents and siblings down down (biological and spiritual) by not living up to the standard that I have been taught and stand for. I know God is forgiving and Jesus died for my sins...but, it (that particular sin) is continuous and I feel unworthy of that gift. Some haven't been mean or said any judgemental words,but they haven't had any contact with me outside of what is extremely necessary since they found out i was pregnant...I don't think they even know that I had a miscarriage. ( I think I didn't say anything as i never want to to cause any contention, offense, strife, disappointment by anything I do or say; and the announcement to few I did announce it too was shock and disappointing enough).
Now, at this very moment, I am trying to sort through all of these very intense emotions that I am having trying to determine if it is depression, PMs - which i really ever had, or early pregnancy hormonal mood swings! I don't know....
Thanks for listening to my thoughts