Crazy At... errr... WORK FROM Home Mom, here!

[caaillustration]

Hi everyone!

My name is Cheryl Akins. I'm a mom, though my kids would probably say that I'm a 'mother' (we all know that's only half of a word...). Yes, I'm the proud mother of three teenagers (well, that explains the tongue-in-cheek 'mother' reference). I am also the loving partner of Herbert (the eternal man child) and the doting mommy of Tank and Arthur (feline variety children - the only two creatures in this house that provide me the means and way of leveling/balancing/retaining my sanity).

When I'm not cleaning the house that no one else seems to notice when it's messy, trying to cook meals to suit everyone's tastes but my own, working in the yard so our house won't be confused with our neighbors' (they have a toilet and a Lazy Boy in the front yard -- the FRONT YARD, people!), or trying to sort through whatever drama walks in through the door after school and business (Herbert the eternal man child) hours -- I'm a children's illustrator/artist that is trying desperately to find (nice way of saying 'claw and beg') my niche in the children's publishing industry.

Glamorous, huh... don't envy me. All you bright, shiny, new mommies -- yes, one day, you could have what I... (hard swallow)... have.

Here, at Cafe Mom, I am hoping to get to know other moms and commiserate like-life experiences. Let's just hope that my brand of humor doesn't scare everyone away, because it is the reason that I'm never invited and/or included to weddings, funerals, family reunions, and get-togethers over coffee.

Anyway, it is so nice to be here and I just wanted to introduce myself. Thank you for your time. You can now commence with hugging your children and significant others, being grateful they are nothing like mine.

Have a great rest-of-the weekend!

Cheryl

[Michal7]

Hey Cheryl!

Welcome! I'm Michal, and for one, I love they way you wrote (~chuckles~)

It's nice to meet you!

Michal

Group owner of Natural Cures on cafe mom

[caaillustration]

Thank you, Michal! It's nice to see that I wasn't booted for my posting. I promise, no foul language (I save that for my partner/man child and children) and that even though I tend to be a realist (seeing not only the trashcan, but the trash inside), I will be thoughtful and considerate to my forum-mates.

Thanks, again! Looking forward to getting know many of you!

[Gsmommy1120]

Hi Cheryl,

I, for one, am loving your sense of humor! Welcome! You'll find many women in support of your cause in this forum. Glad to have you aboard-Melissa

http://merickson.myrandf.biz/

[Yael123]

Hi Cheryl,

I LOVE your sense of humour, finally someone with the same wacky outlook on life as me!!!! i ahve 3 teens (I call them my first batch of kids) and then believe it or not another three younger kids.  I'm hoping that by the time the three younger ones get to those awesome hormonal imbalanced years i will have figured out all the tricks in the book and be able to deal with the "sky falling in / end of the world" issues that come in the door at night when they all come home from their correctional facilities - aka school.

Don't get me wrong, i love my kids, i think they are great but i woud never ever home school anyone because if i did  i would probably be on death row by now!!!! ONly kidding about that -i have my two year old home with me full time and i am enjoying every minute of it.

I know exactly how you feel about cleaning up - i get a kick out of leaving something that someone dropped onthe stairs where it si and waitng to see how long it takes for some other non rent paying lodger notices it and deemes fit to bend over and pick it up - who knows we may make it in to the guiness book of records.

i look forward to getting ot know you - we probably have tons in common!!!

yael

 

[caaillustration]

Yael, I do that too!!!!!! I thought it was some sort of defect in my personality and mentality!

We have burgundy (hate it!) carpet throughout (double hate it!), so it shows EVERYTHING (tar and feather, kick'em round town for being the village idiot for picking out this carpet!!!). Now me, I could spot a lint ball resting on a single tuft from space. My family *shaking my head in utter disgust* they wouldn't notice a cinderblock sitting in the middle of the hallway even if they tripped over it...

I applied this theory within my home two winters ago...

One day, I noticed a balled up piece of paper sitting in the middle of the floor in the doorway of the livingroom and hallway. At first, I snatched it up quicker than a fat man can suck down a plate of buffalo wings. Then, a thought occurred to me; I wondered how quickly my family would respond to seeing a piece of bright white paper just sitting in the middle of the floor and how long it would take them to take the initiative to pick that bright white piece of paper up and dispose of it.

A month later, with the piece of paper, not as bright white, and smooched down from being walked on, I concluded that my family just didn't care. That, or they completely viewed it as MY problem. 

On a cold rainy Sunday evening, I called a family meeting . My grown man-child sitting beside me on the loveseat, believing that I was about to light into one of the kids for doing something stupid, completely oblivious to the role he had played... the 18 year old, Rico Suave, sat across from me, precariously leaned back, completely relaxed, with a flippant look upon his face... the 16 year old, up-and-coming Empress of PMS, sat to my right, poised, finger twirling her hair, believing (NO), KNOWING that she was beyond reproach... the 13 year old, the evil underachieving genius, squatted on two stack pillows, his eyes surveying the kitchen counters and cabinets, wondering what snacks he would devour once this momentary inconvenience was finished...

Me, I sat on my hands and restrained my absolute desire, wish and drive to either snatch each and every one of them baldheaded or pop the living-breathing-walking-talking sloth right out of them. In front of me, on the cleared off dark wood coffee table, sat the lone piece of (off white, smooched) ball of paper -- the evidence. Giving my best Spock-face, I asked if anyone noticed anything different, strange or out of place in the room. These people, three of which I gave birth to and one, that I couldn't return to his mother if I paid her, looked all around the room, up at the ceiling, out the windows, to the floor, then back at me and said... "You got your hair done...?"

Everything went white.

It was at this moment that I believed I needed a prescription of Prozac -- FAST... that a truckload of Calgon, a door-to-door bourbon salesman and a triple long straw could never help me to escape. This was my life. Big balls of bright white paper sitting on burgundy rugs in a house where no one noticed, but me. This was my Hell. This was my family. People that didn't care if I was driven to strokes and facial tics, sitting in corners and rocking back and forth, mumbling over and over "They don't see the paper... they don't see the paper..." and who would forever believe that hair compliments would soothe my inner beast. I came to the conclusion that I must have been REALLY bad in my last life, and that if I didn't turn this house and family around, in my life, I would come back as a dung beetle rolling my own big ball of dung...

I proved my theory correct. Unfortunately, there were no lessons learned. My only hope and saving grace is that one day, each of my children will own a house with burgundy carpets throughout.

I plan on supplying their offspring with lots and lots of paper...

[Yael123]

Cheryl,

how about going in to writing instead of illustrating? that was the best anwswer i ahve read in ages - it was true, to the point and most importantly FUNNY! too tired to come back with anyhting witty it'a almost midnight in this neck ofhte woods - even my spelling ability has been sucked out of me and disappeared into the odd sock basket......

i wanna go to sleep while it is still today so that i can end this one and wake up to another one - know the feeling?!

 

[caaillustration]

Yael, I would very much like to write a children's book. I have one idea, to write about my childhood. Only problem is, I think parents would freak at my chosen title (They Call Me Squirrel: The Adventures of a Misguided Evil Genius and Her Faithful Sidekick, Arthur Heinie) and would sue me for the ideas I would put in their children's heads. Terrorist groups would appreciate all the crap I pulled in childhood.

Thank goodness my children aren't as bad as I was as a child. Frankly, I'm surprised that many of my childhood friends survived all the mess I put them through. Poor Kenny Adcock, he was left with only half of an ear... the nickname Puddin' Pants followed wee wittle Willie Tinch into high school... I was awful!

[jennifermay]

Hey Girl! Wow! Okay... totally loved your introduction! You are an amazing writer and are very talented. I would love to read any book you wrote or look at any book you illustrated... it would be an honor. So happy and excited to have you here! Looking forward to more of your sense of humor and honesty... HUGS!