Quoting Karbear:Chapter 5-Accepting what is has always been a problem for me. I needed to accept my mother's death and accept that my kids will not know the physical person.This is part of my pain body that I have to stop feeding. I carry this burden with me. Not quite sure how to shake it yet but I will figure it out.I also use to take people anger personally. I have family members that feed their negativity instead of taking active steps to resolve what's wrong.
Quoting conjuredUp:I had a MASSIVE breakthrough last night. My entire life I've had an issue with money. I watched my parent scream and fight over the (less than abundant) cash my dad brought home and my mom spent. She used money as a means to get back at him for his philandering. So to me money has ALWAYS equalled misery. I started working when I was 13. My dad was only coming home once maybe twice a week (I now know it was because he was with his OTHER family) and tossing my mom some money. She smoked like a chimney, so more often than not I was paying for her cigs with my baby sitting and ceramic instructor's income. NOT fun. I left home and joined the Navy at 19. Never learned how to save money. Had no idea that bills were actually supposed to get PAID. Had no concept how to "live within my means." Anyway... I've been a work-at-home mom since Vali was born. I do data entry for a marketing firm. Just enough money a month so I don't have to ASK my DH for money to buy him a gift. We are NOT good at saving. We have NOTHING in savings. Up until October of last year all of our credit cards were maxed (we can't use them but they are getting paid off) and we were living pay check to pay check despite his big-ish income. I joined a credit counselling service in October. We couldn't pay ALL the cards. We just kept opening MORE and MORE cards. Trying to fill the holes inside of us with STUFF. Trying to compete with the other parents in our son's Montessori school (another 1K per month for tuition!). We submitted 50K worth of credit card debt to the program. (Yikes...this is embarrassing AND cleansing, so thanks for sticking with me if you are still here!) Anytime we had an issue to talk about money over we wind up getting so mad at each other that we don't talk for a while. My man has issues with money from his ex wife. It was just NEVER good. We always got mean. Because I immediately reverted to the scared little kid and I'd get SOOO defensive. My ego demanded that I SPEND. To fill myself up. Yeah.... so... we are still totally strapped for cash. Bert text'd me yesterday to ask me about a bill we have and my ego tried so diligently to get me to go to the BAD place. The whole, "How DARE he ask me how well I am managing our money." I did all I could to stay out of my ego and prevent myself from falling into my money pain-body. I even sent him a text back and asked if he wouldn't pounce on me when he got home (as he is wont to do - it is ALWAYS my fault) because I was trying so hard to stay objective. Which I'd have NEVER done if not for reading this book. My ego? The voice inside me that CARES what he thinks of my money skills? That voice is NOT me! I know that now. Bert hasn't read the book yet but he has been watching the classes with me. So he's been working on staying in the NOW. Last night? As we sat around the table and discussed all the money we don't have to feed our Easter guests, pay the bills that are late and cover my travel to meet one of our fellow love buddies (sorry again, K!) at a children's museum we both somehow managed to stay PRESENT. We discussed the whole thing from a place of detachment! There was no EGO for either of us! We were listening and present to each other. We were NICE to each other. It was so new... so intense that I just started crying those hot and full tears of recognition. Like all the years of hurt and pain and anger associated with money were eeking out through my tears. I felt so damn much lighter. I even asked him this morning if it was a dream. That may have been the barrier. May have been the blocker to abundance that I know is there. Man! NOW is so amazing. If you guys aren't reading this book? I have to tell you that you should try. I thought I was enlightened before. I was so very wrong. This book is life ALTERING. In the best possible way. Thanks for reading this far! I love you!
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