"Breakthroughs"

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• by
  • Bells1158
  on Apr. 4, 2008 at 1:19 PM
• 
  

  Quoting Karbear:
  
  Chapter 5-
  Accepting what is has always been a problem for me. I needed to accept my mother's death and accept that my kids will not know the physical person.
  This is part of my pain body that I have to stop feeding. I carry this burden with me. Not quite sure how to shake it yet but I will figure it out.
  
  I also use to take people anger personally. I have family members that feed their negativity instead of taking active steps to resolve what's wrong.

  
  My mother recently passed away.  She took her last earthly breath July 28, 2007.  First let me share that she had Leukemia and was diagnosed one year prior to her passing.  At that time, I was at a place in my life where my "thoughts" TOTALLY consumed me and to the negative.  I thought about my daughter not having her grandmother, me  not having my mother, the fact that my mother was dying and much more.  I couldn't sleep, eating was difficult, staying focused was impossible and we won't even talk about relaxing or being at peace.  What a dark place. My mother use to ask me all the time was I afraid and when she would see me drift off into my personal fog, she would ask, "where is your faith?".  My mother and I were very close and talked a lot, even before she got sick.  I said that to share that there was little that didn't get said between the two of us.  But with regards to this matter, she only said, "where is your faith?", with no explaination.  At the time, I paid attention but the true essence of what she was saying flu right over my head.  I often thought, "me the deep thinker, not have faith? "" You must be kidding."  But as I began to accept that she was REALLY going to leave this earthly body and began to accept that there was NOTHING I could do about it, I then began to exercise true faith.  I then began to believe in my soul that my mother would always be with my daughter and I.  You see, my daughter was only 2 (and still is) when my mother passed.  So I thought that she would not know this Great Woman of God, my mother, Beverly J. Ellsworth.  I was so worried about nothing.  Why can I say this, because I have been able to make it all happen.  God has provided me with the inner peace that I needed to move on with my life and begin to put things back together again.  And you know what, my daughter REALLY knows her NANA.  She can hear a certain classical piece of music and say, "Hey Mommy, that's Nana's music".  She loves to put cream on her hands and chap stick on her lips, just as her NaNa taught her.  She loves to watch Cailou just as she and my mother often did.  She is growing up to imulate so many of my mother's ways that I know a piece of Mama dwells in her soul.
  
  Thanks for letting me share my story.  This is yet another one of those critical moments in my life.  I GET IT EVEN MORE.  I am to tell others about how you can move on in a way that honors their loved ones memory.
  
  You see, this book has helped me further identify my pain body, put it into perspective and get the good out of what could have been looked at as such a bad situation.  I enjoy being able to share my mother with my daughter every day.  There are so many things that I tell her through story telling.  I truly believe that she remembers her NANA and that yes, NANA is real and continues to live in her.  She lives in her heart. 
  
  I hope that this helps.
  
  Continued blessings and may ongoing truths continue to reach your heart and soul,
  
  Bernadette (bells1158)

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• by
  • sweetmama16
  on Apr. 9, 2008 at 10:06 AM
• Thankyou so much for sharing!!  I feel the same way, we are in alot of debt as well and it is taking its' toll on me metally for sure!  I grew up never being taught about the value of saving and paying bills properly.  My  parents claimed bankruptcy when I was younger, the van was repo'd we lost our house and had to move and rent for awhile.  Now I am married, I was debt free at one time but now that is not the case.  Anyways, I haven't gotten to that chapter so I am hoping I have a breakthrough somewhere.  I feel for you!  It is brave to share that since it is hard to talk about stuff like that!
  

  Quoting conjuredUp:
  
  I had a MASSIVE breakthrough last night.
  
  My entire life I've had an issue with money. I watched my parent scream and fight over the (less than abundant) cash my dad brought home and my mom spent. She used money as a means to get back at him for his philandering. So to me money has ALWAYS equalled misery.
  
  I started working when I was 13. My dad was only coming home once maybe twice a week (I now know it was because he was with his OTHER family) and tossing my mom some money. She smoked like a chimney, so more often than not I was paying for her cigs with my baby sitting and ceramic instructor's income. NOT fun.
  
  I left home and joined the Navy at 19. Never learned how to save money. Had no idea that bills were actually supposed to get PAID. Had no concept how to "live within my means."
  
  Anyway... I've been a work-at-home mom since Vali was born. I do data entry for a marketing firm. Just enough money a month so I don't have to ASK my DH for money to buy him a gift.
  
  We are NOT good at saving. We have NOTHING in savings.
  
  Up until October of last year all of our credit cards were maxed (we can't use them but they are getting paid off) and we were living pay check to pay check despite his big-ish income. I joined a credit counselling service in October. We couldn't pay ALL the cards. We just kept opening MORE and MORE cards. Trying to fill the holes inside of us with STUFF. Trying to compete with the other parents in our son's Montessori school (another 1K per month for tuition!).
  
  We submitted 50K worth of credit card debt to the program. (Yikes...this is embarrassing AND cleansing, so thanks for sticking with me if you are still here!)
  
  Anytime we had an issue to talk about money over we wind up getting so mad at each other that we don't talk for a while. My man has issues with money from his ex wife. It was just NEVER good.
  
  We always got mean. Because I immediately reverted to the scared little kid and I'd get SOOO defensive. My ego demanded that I SPEND. To fill myself up.
  
  Yeah.... so... we are still totally strapped for cash.
  
  Bert text'd me yesterday to ask me about a bill we have and my ego tried so diligently to get me to go to the BAD place. The whole, "How DARE he ask me how well I am managing our money." I did all I could to stay out of my ego and prevent myself from falling into my money pain-body.  I even sent him a text back and asked if he wouldn't pounce on me when he got home (as he is wont to do - it is ALWAYS my fault) because I was trying so hard to stay objective.
  
  Which I'd have NEVER done if not for reading this book. My ego? The voice inside me that CARES what he thinks of my money skills? That voice is NOT me! I know that now.
  
  Bert hasn't read the book yet but he has been watching the classes with me. So he's been working on staying in the NOW.
  
  Last night? As we sat around the table and discussed all the money we don't have to feed our Easter guests, pay the bills that are late and cover my travel to meet one of our fellow love buddies (sorry again, K!) at a children's museum we both somehow managed to stay PRESENT.
  
  We discussed the whole thing from a place of detachment!
  There was no EGO for either of us!
  We were listening and present to each other.
  We were NICE to each other.
  
  It was so new... so intense that I just started crying those hot and full tears of recognition. Like all the years of hurt and pain and anger associated with money were eeking out through my tears.
  
  I felt so damn much lighter. I even asked him this morning if it was a dream. That may have been the barrier. May have been the blocker to abundance that I know is there. Man! NOW is so amazing.
  
  If you guys aren't reading this book? I have to tell you that you should try. I thought I was enlightened before. I was so very wrong.
  
  This book is life ALTERING. In the best possible way.
  
  Thanks for reading this far! I love you!

• 
• by
  • trish84
  on Apr. 11, 2008 at 11:25 AM
• OMG  I love that video!!  I will be playing that for a long time...
  Thanks for sharing
  
  Patty

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