I just returned from visiting Jeff in Illinois. I flew up on Thurs, May 7th and his birthday was on the 9th. This was a mistake. He and his wife were very nice and we were having a great time together. However, I did not realize how his birthday and Mother's day would effect my emotions. I had a total melt down Saturday nite. We had a lovely dinner and were on our way back from Chicago. His amom called when I was out of the car. He asked me to be quiet when I got back in the car, and I realized who he was talking to. He did not want her to know that I was there. He has done this before with other members of his adopted family. I decided I would tell him that this made me feel like "a dirty little secret", but I was in control of my emotions. Then, he said to his amom. "yes, I know the story, you brought me home on Mother's day." I completely lost it. I sobbed all the way back to the hotel. I had no idea that my feeling were still so raw. However, Jeff wanted to talk to me at the hotel, just the 2 of us. He apologized, and said that he understood my feelings. He will never again "hide me" and that he is not ashamed, just does not like confrontations. We worked things out and he has been very sweet. But, I have been really down since I came back. I think this was not the right time of year for a visit. I learned my limitations. I sure was glad to see your post on my e-mail. I really needed to vent. Adoption, the gift that keeps on giving.
Quoting mawmetal:
I just returned from visiting Jeff in Illinois. I flew up on Thurs, May 7th and his birthday was on the 9th. This was a mistake. He and his wife were very nice and we were having a great time together. However, I did not realize how his birthday and Mother's day would effect my emotions. I had a total melt down Saturday nite. We had a lovely dinner and were on our way back from Chicago. His amom called when I was out of the car. He asked me to be quiet when I got back in the car, and I realized who he was talking to. He did not want her to know that I was there. He has done this before with other members of his adopted family. I decided I would tell him that this made me feel like "a dirty little secret", but I was in control of my emotions. Then, he said to his amom. "yes, I know the story, you brought me home on Mother's day." I completely lost it. I sobbed all the way back to the hotel. I had no idea that my feeling were still so raw. However, Jeff wanted to talk to me at the hotel, just the 2 of us. He apologized, and said that he understood my feelings. He will never again "hide me" and that he is not ashamed, just does not like confrontations. We worked things out and he has been very sweet. But, I have been really down since I came back. I think this was not the right time of year for a visit. I learned my limitations. I sure was glad to see your post on my e-mail. I really needed to vent. Adoption, the gift that keeps on giving.
So sorry to hear of this difficult experience you had. I can only imagine..of course you sobbed...anyone would of in the same situation. So many of us are hurt every Mother's Day. You know, you can't control how Jeff handled the situation and he probably didn't want to hurt his aparents. Maturity will help him to see more clearly and understand.
I really wish all adoptees would educate themselves on adoption whether it's reading a book, watching a movie, or talking to a birthmother who carries the pain in her heart of losing her child to adoption.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I agree with Anne28. I really do not think my son realizes the impact that adoption had on me when I lost him so many years ago.
I am rather "tough" on the exterior because I do not want to inflict any of my pain on him. I take it with a stiff upper lip and show no emotion when he talks about his amom, who is always "my mom,"
In a perfect world it would be better if all adoptees understood that the circumstances that caused their adoption were not all rosy and that adoptive families would welcome the mother of their children as family too. But let's face it, in most cases, on some level, we are the enemy.
If it wasn't for all of the hype about Mother;s Day as a marketing event perhaps it would be easier.
Your son sounds like a lovely and thoughtful man. It is sad that he is worried about confrontation with his adoptive family.
Quoting Angelle2:
I agree with Anne28. I really do not think my son realizes the impact that adoption had on me when I lost him so many years ago.
I am rather "tough" on the exterior because I do not want to inflict any of my pain on him. I take it with a stiff upper lip and show no emotion when he talks about his amom, who is always "my mom,"
In a perfect world it would be better if all adoptees understood that the circumstances that caused their adoption were not all rosy and that adoptive families would welcome the mother of their children as family too. But let's face it, in most cases, on some level, we are the enemy.
If it wasn't for all of the hype about Mother;s Day as a marketing event perhaps it would be easier.
Your son sounds like a lovely and thoughtful man. It is sad that he is worried about confrontation with his adoptive family.
Another thing I would like to say is why would your son be afraid of confrontation with his aparents? My children here at home whom I am raising, certainly are not afraid of confrontation with their mom and dad and express there opinions openly. So, makes me wonder; why would the aparent not make it clear to their adopted child that communication/confrontation/honesty/openness/etc.is okay, especially when confronted with a situation involving contact with the birthfamily? Where does the comfort level begin and where does it end? Does the adopted child feel like they would be disrespectful or stepping on toes per say because they are always making sure they don't hurt their aparents? I think that would be more difficult to always feel you have to keep a watch than just being comfortable in your own skin and being able to express your desire and interest for your birthparent. It doesn't mean they love anyone more or less, it's just human to express feelings and desires, curiosity and knowledge.
As the adoptive child goes into adulthood, he/she should be comfortable with who they are and do what they believe is right for them. It isn't their problem at that point if the adoptive parents are "hurt" or insecure. We as birthparents have had to endure and deal with a rollercoaster of emotions, why can't they realize they have to deal with issues too and make it known to the child/adult it is ok. w/them to have contact with the birthfamily. This is where it becomes more screwed up than it has to be.
So my message to adoptive parents: you've raised our child as your own and we are grateful. Please soften your heart, let them spread their wings and get to know us with your blessing. Be secure in the fact that you got the best of our child when we didn't, and know that there is no such thing as too much love. Our adoptive children are not owned by anyone except by God. This isn't a tug of war. Not intended to offend anyone but about this special being.
For those adoptive parents who truly are "there" and get this, thank you. Please pray for the rest that they too, will find the strength to offer some understanding.
Anne
Jeff's insecurity with his afamily is understandable. He was abandoned by his amom when he was 13. Spent 2 years with this adad where he ended up in trouble with the law and spent 3 years in juvenile dentention. He has never felt close to them, he and his amom have just recently started having a fairly good relationship. She does Know about me and she and I have talked once on the phone. She tried to rationalize her guilt for treating Jeff badly. His afamily does not talk about issues or share their feelings. I know that he has had a tough life, and it's just now starting to get better. He is 40. I know he loves me, but I have to remember that for the first 10 years of his life this was his family. He has a lot of good memories of those times, and also stated that he was his mom's favorite up until that time. He has twin brothers that were also adopted, and his amom gave birth to a son when Jeff was 10. One of the twin brothers thinks Jeff is being disloyal to his afamily. Although they have not really been a family for many, many years. Yes, like you, I try to hold my feelings in when I am with Jeff. He is really a kind a thoughtful man. Sometimes, it just hurts so much when I realize what I missed.
Janet
YOUR ARE STRONG WONDERFUL MOM....... I WALKED IN YOUR JOURNEY MANY YEARS AGO AND IT CAME TO ME READING ALL THE POSTS HOW STRONG NATURAL MOMS REALLY ARE. ITS ALWAYS BEEN HARD FOR ME TO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ADOPTIVE PARENTS ESPECIALLY WHEN OUR BABIES ARE NOW ADULTS. I OFTEN WONDER DID THEY REALLY BOND??? ITS ALSO HARDER WHEN ADOPTIVE SIBS ARE INVOLVED. YOUR DOWN MOMENTS ARE A NATURAL PERIOD KEEP THE FAITH AND WALK TALL YOUR BLESSED TO HAVE ANY MOMENTS IN REUNION. HE SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND IM SURE YOUR PROUD. HE HAS ENDURED ALOT AND I HOPE YOUR BOND GROWS FOR EVER. THIS IS A GREAT GROUP FOR SUPPORT SO POST AWAY.............CECE
CECE09
My son says that he never bonded with his adoptive parents. Some psychologists believe that the only person that a baby can bond with is the mother who carried them for nine months, that it is the deep eternal connection of this experience, and the chemical/biological cues of shared-genetics, that produce the bond. But that children can "attach" to other people, just not bond with them. I do not personally know as this is not my field of expertise.
But my son told me that I am the only person he has ever bonded with, and our bond survived 20 years of separation.
New blog post: “Sorry, Mrs. Smith, your baby has to be adopted”
- mawmetal
on May. 12, 2009 at 6:07 PM