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She Tries

Posted by on Mar. 19, 2011 at 9:13 PM
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She tries so hard to make him proud


But all the times he's put her down


And the fact that he was never around


Has torn them far apart


And left her with a broken heart


She hears "no matter what you do


I will never love you"


And she wonder why


As she starts to cry


She'll never be good enough


Now she's left looking for love


She doens't know what's wrong with her


And she's not all that strong


So she sells her soul


To fill that empty hole


She tries so hard to make him proud


But all the times he's put her down


And the fact that he was never around


Has torn them far apart


And left her with a broken heart


Oh what she would give


Just for him to se


That she's trying to be


The daughter that she is


And that the love she has is his


She tries so hard to make him proud


But all the times he's put her down


And the fact that he was never around


Has torn them so far apart


ANd left her with a broken heart


She tries so hard to make him proud


But he's never around to see

by on Mar. 19, 2011 at 9:13 PM
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Replies (1-2):
qwietpleez
by Crystal, Group Owner on Mar. 24, 2011 at 11:08 AM

Heartbreaking . . . well written though :o) 

I think your work would translate a bit better for your readers if it you only capitalized the lines that would naturally begin a sentence, I've never been a fan of caps on each line in poetry. It's a smoother read without them . . . 

One more suggestion ~ Sometimes even one extra syllable in a line can through of the rhythm of your words. Often just condensing a little bit can make a difference.

But all the times he's put her down

And the fact that he was never around

 

But all the times he's put her down

and all the times he wasn't around

 

 

BonitaM
by Member on Mar. 24, 2011 at 3:13 PM

Thank you for the great advice.  It does sound much better the way you put it.  I'll try to remember about the caps....although I do have to admit I find it visually more appealing with the caps on each line.

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