now we had a huge fight

[minivanmama113]

I called our daughter tonight hoping to just have a little chat before the evening ended. She told me she got her brothers letter he sent, and that she had a ton of homework. Then I said a lot of kids here have the flu and she said there are a lot at school with it too. I told her I read an article that said if you drink warm drinks it helps stop it if you have been exposed to it. She said well I've cried enough that I should have washed it all out. When I asked why she was crying she said she's taken so much crap from her boyfriend and she's done, and that they have been fighting.

So a few minutes later she askes me to send a dress from her closet with her boyfriend when he comes down this coming weekend. She said they are going to some super fancy restraunt on campus, it costs 8 meal swipes per person. I mentioned that her bf told me about this and how he was going to get steak and so on when they went. I told her it's a little old how he drives down for the weekend and she pays for eveything. He stayes in he room for free and eats everything off her meal plan the whole time. I guess as a mom I'm tired of him mooching off her all of the time.

Then I went on to tell her I'm not planning on going out for his birthday since I'm not really sure I"m liking his mom too much even though I've never even met the woman. Ok she hates all people with red hair just because they have red hair. I've also been told to watch what I say so I don't upset her. Really she sounds like the sort of women who thinks what she thinks is right and to hell with everyone else. I say instead of walking on glass the whole time I'd just rather skip the whole meeting.

So I get off the phone with her and then feel bad and text her and say I'm sorry for being such a bitch but I hate that the bf is alwasy making her life harder and whining all of the time and I'm here trying to make things better (sending groceries, things she needs encouraging letters etc.)  She texts back that actually I make things harder when I complaine about the bf and then she starts to think about it and then they fight. My reply,  "no more complaining from me, it's your life, but, don't complaine to me anymore either".

Ughhhh I'm so sick of the crap. In two weeks she is coming home for his birthday (dh has to work so I can't go anyways) and I know he'll be staying at our house the whole weekend. I guess if he's being a cry baby then I'm just suppossed to put up with it. I surley can't say anything. Actually I was already planning on saying he can stay just one night of the visit here at our house since he wants to be here 24/7. During Chrismas break he can stay one night but not every day either. I hate the fact that he's here all of the time. I feel the same way about our daughters friend who comes and never wants to go home so it's not just him.

Right now I'm just to the point that if she wants to have her freedom then so be it. don't call and whine when he's being a jerk, and don't call me to help get her out of a jam. It was me who copied 70 pages of notes that she needed for her first math test, not him, he was just calling and whining he was missing her. When he goes this weekend he can take the dress and detergent that I bought but thats it, no more care packages. I"m tired of being told that I"m a complainer and I'm doing so much for her it's not even funny.

Thanks for listening, I hate feeling so mad at her but I really hate the fact that she blames me and sees that I'm the one being wrong. Maybe I am, maybe I just need to mind my own business, but it's hard when she's mad about his actions all of the time.

[Mariedchk]

Phew! It felt good to get that out, didn't it !!! You have every right to feel the way you do! He is mooching off your daughter and you all! She complains to you cause she knows she can! You are her Mom and haven't you been her sounding board for years?! She knows she can come/complain to you and you care enough to listen! Good for you Mom! That's what we do! It hurts us even more when they turn the tables on us and get mad at us for actually listening, then giving them our thoughts on the matter! They don't want our opinion, they just want us  to listen while they whine to us! Yes, it is still all about them even when they go off to college! She actually sounds as if she may be getting tired of his crap too. Good for her! He sounds pretty controlling:(  not a good thing in a relationship! You are right, maybe you should hold back on your opinion until she asks for it, and she will, eventually! They you can tell her, hey, you asked! It is so hard sitting back and watching it all play out! We want so much to make everything easy for them, but really, they need to learn on their own! It has so much more of an impact! You hang in there, be there for her when she needs  you, and she will! Sit back and watch! When you see the boy, be nice, but not too nice!  he'll realize you know how to play the game too! Good luck! Let me know how it goes! Been there, done that! Hope it helps!

[cab128]

They don't want our opinion, they just want us  to listen while they whine to us! Yes, it is still all about them even when they go off to college!

This is such a true statement.  It is so hard for us to sit back and watch our children make their own mistakes when we have either experienced it ourselves or have seen others go through it.  We have the wisdom (usually!) to see what's going on and know what will probably happen.  She does not yet and she needs to figure it out - most likely on her own - be it a torture to watch it. 

Maybe let her know that you will be there to support her, however, you will not support the relationship with this boy anymore.  That you are willing to listen and be there for her - not him.  And you do not have to let him stay at your house if you don't want to.  Or let anyone else for that matter.  It's your house and you're the parent.  You choose who comes and goes.  Your daughter may not like it - but sometimes that is the way it goes...

Good luck to you and your dd!  Hang in there!!

[sdjhae]

How are things with your daughter and her bf? I hope it gets better and your doing better.  It is so hard to sit back and just wait for our children to want us to really help.  And yes its your house-if you only want him over one day then so be it. you can't control the dorm but y ou can your house.