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Need advice. Made a wrong decision.

Posted by on Jan. 10, 2009 at 5:22 PM
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I had a baby in sep 08. I gave up my career during pregnancy due to health problems and am a full time home-maker now. My husband has been very supportive till now but recently I feel that I made a wrong decision of letting go of my career completely. He is the sole breadwinner and I am dependent on him and he has started excluding me from important decisions including major financial ones. I am not in a position to go back to work for nearly 2-3 years.

I am feeling like the biggest fool these days sitting at home with a baby after working so hard all my life to earn a PhD and then a job.....only to become totally dependant on my husband. He broke my trust. I thought our relationship will not change but it has. I feel like I cannot express my opinion on anything.

Any suggestions on how to cope with the situation since I feel angry and frustrated most of the time.



by on Jan. 10, 2009 at 5:22 PM
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by Member on Jan. 11, 2009 at 9:13 AM

Have you talked to your husband about how he is making you feel and how he has changed?  I am in no way saying he is right in cutting you out of the money decisions, but maybe he is feeling over stressed by being the only one bringing in money and he didnt expect that feeling.  You two need to be able to talk about your problems.  Just remember things have changed so maybe both of you need to rethink and change the way you are acting to some things.

As far as you feeling worthless, you are staying home and raising your child.  That is the most important job any person can have!  You have an amazing opportunity to stay home, bond with your child, and make sure your child is being raised with the love and caring that you believe it should have.  You dont' have to worry about what kind of care your child is getting at daycare or with a sitter.  You know have the full ability to make sure your child gets the great moral foundation you believe it will need to be a succesful person in life.  Think about just how much learning a child does in the first 2 years - they learn how to talk, learn how to interact with other people.  Once up and walking your child will start to learn about playing with others and sharing, cleaning up toys.  As your child grows and moves away from formula it will start to learn the proper healthy way to eat. Also they will learn the fun (and you know importance) of being active and not sitting watching tv all day.  All of these things YOU are in control of.

If for now you are finding you have to much free time on your hands, or feel useless shile baby is sleeping and not keeping you busy.  Well you have a house you are in control of now.  Start doing some extra projects around the house.  It could be as simple as rearranging rooms to give you a new feel and feel you are accomplishing something.  You can also spend more time on yourself - working out so that you are healthy and can teach your child to be healthy, treat yourself to some spa time while babys sleeping - hot bubble bath with a book, give yourself a pedicure or manicure.  Spend time doing some old hobbies you may have had to give up while working so hard or maybe take up a new hobby.  You have a brand new baby you can start working on a homemade scrapbook for all those precious memories.

What ever you do dont let your own mind set make you feel like you are worthless because you are not working out side the house.  Remember your job as a mom is the #1 most important job you can ever have!

by on Jan. 11, 2009 at 6:16 PM
There might be some things that you could do at home that wouldn't take too much time away from your family. If you have any teaching experience you could do something like teaching an online course at the University of Phoenix or some other online classes. What is your Ph.D. in? Why can't you go back to work for 2-3 years?
by New Member on Jan. 16, 2009 at 4:42 PM

Thank you "drigbet" for taking the time to reply my problem. I agree with you that being a Mom is the most important job in the world. I just wish I could have balanced both worlds....professional and family. I have always been very independent and it's taking time for me to adjust to this new role.

With a small baby at home, I hardly have time for anything else. I will go back to work when my baby gets a little older. I agree with you that only a mother can give the best care to the baby and not daycare or a sitter.

I have talked to my husband about a lot of things which usually end up in big arguments. It will take time for us to settle in new roles. We both love the baby very much and that is the only good thing going for us both right now.

I am missing the routine when I used to go to work and feel left behind sometimes. I don't feel intellectually gratified doing housework. I didn't know I will feel this way when I left work. But I am happy for my child who is getting good care.

I am trying to keep my spirits up till the time when I can go back to the professional world and my baby starts going to school. And in the meantime hope that I don't lose my self confidence altogether.

by New Member on Jan. 16, 2009 at 4:55 PM

Thank you "luvnfun" for reading my post and replying to it.

I have a PhD in Biochemistry. I do want a teaching job. I said I cannot go back to work for 2-3 years because it takes time to find a good position. I am too busy with my baby these days to even put together an application as it requires writing lots of essays etc. I think when the baby is about an year old, I can start working on it. And then the good teaching positions are advertised one year in advance which means I will actually start working two years from now if all goes well.

In the meantime, I am just hoping that I don't forget everything I have learned so

by New Member on Jan. 17, 2009 at 12:40 AM

 Your position sounds a lot like mine. I also was a hard worker and actually think that is an understatement. I was more a workaholic to the point where my life was consumed by work.  Not only that but I was a very independent woman, I  never had to rely on a person.I had to quit my last job due to illness and became a stay at home mother. My husband works over night shifts to make ends meet and it bothers me to no end because we never see him.

  It drives me crazy to stay at home, now don't get me wrong I very much enjoy spending time with my daughter but I miss working and being able to contribute. I used to feel worthless and it got to the point where I was telling my husband he could find someone better than me and it really started to mess with our relationship.

 After a while I realized that I may not currently have a job but that does not mean I am working hard, I am but it's in a different manner. Being able to stay home with my daughter consumes my life now, I get to watch her grow and learn and play with her constantly.

 My husband started treating me different after a month of being home. I felt the same way you do but I sat down and talked to him. I let him know that just because I may not be contributing money does not mean that I am not contributing at all. He understood after we talked.

 I would say talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Please know that just because you can't go back to work right now does not mean you made a foolish decision. Like I said before I thought I was worthless and it took me a long time to realize that it was not my fault. From what I am getting from what you said, it might be a couple of years but that does not mean you will never be able to go back. Enjoy the time you have with you have with your child/children while you can.

 As for the finances I  would tell him that its a 2 person decision, that while you may not be working you also live in the household. Marriage is meant for teamwork.

 Well I hope this helped you somewhat. If not I apolgize. I am sure things will work out in the end. I know I try to remain optomistic even when its extremley hard.

by New Member on Jan. 21, 2009 at 10:39 PM

First, you are not a fool for staying home with your baby.  You are doing what most moms this day want to do and cannot do to financial constraints.  I envy you.  I was not able to stay home for any of my four children, because my ex-husband did not work (ever, which is why we are not together).  With my last child, I only stayed home four days...FOUR DAYS.  I took the baby to work with me.

You did the right thing.  I bet you are lonely more than anything else, and you watch him get to go out every day (even if it is just to work).  He gets the adult time, the intelligent conversations, the mental get poopy diapers and baby food. 

Hang in there.  It may not seem like it now, but when that little baby is five years old, 15 years old, 25 years old, that baby will remember that you were there for him and gave up what mattered so much just for him.  He will know, and love you for it. 

Consider a part time job just to get back out there.  Substitute teachers are always needed, and sometimes you can go just half a day.  Make some house changes just to let your husband know you have some control (i.e. paint, rearrange the living room). 

I am proud of you and think you made a brave sacrifice.

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