Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Please if you have a minute would you read my long post about adoption I could use some input (PIOG)

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:09 PM
  • 13 Replies

I am in need of some advice. My 6yr old DD is adopted she is my Bio-niece (my sisters birth child ) I have had her since she was 6wks old her adoption was final when she was 3. My son was almost 4 when Hailey came to live with us he knows my sister is Hailey's bio mother. I have told Hailey about her adoption and that she did not come out of my belly but my sisters who we still see from time to time that is as much as she knows right now. I do not think she has put it together that coming out of someones belly makes you a mother in other words I do not think she knows my sister is her "Bio"mother even though she does know she came from her belly . Anyway my son who is now 10 told Hailey "Mom does not like you " just typical brother stuff but Hailey started to cry I said of course I love you Hailey you are my DD I said ignore your brother. When I told Hailey she was my DD My son said but she is adopted. UGH IDK what to do I sat my son down and explained that Hailey is just as much my DD as my other DD. My ? is how and when do i start to give Hailey more info. Like her siblings are really her "cousins" or that she has 3 half brothers 2that she met briefly and 1 she has not (the 2 she met she does not know they are her bros) and that her bio father my sister still lives with and Hailey also sees him not knowing who he really is. I do not want to let her down I want to always be as honest as I can with her she is going to be 7 in April. Is there anybody who has any advice ? thank you for reading this. I really could use any input ...

Katie mother to 5 children  Noah 7-25-99,Hailey 4-18-03,
Riley 4-6-04,Caleb 10-12-05, Gracie 4-9-08.
family in the van




 




 




 




by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:09 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
SheWoman
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:14 PM

First off, congrats to you for adopting her. Sounds like she has a wonderful mother.


Have you tried to just ask her if she has any questions about what it means to be adopted? Maybe you could tell her that not all families come about the same way, but that each family is created the way God intended it to be.


Tell her she is your daughter as much as any baby that came from your belly. If she wonders if her bio mom has other children, then go into that.


Good luck with it. I hope it goes smoothly. I would also have a talk with your son, just to make sure he understands some things are off limits when fighting.

Nancy,  Mom to Anastacia and Molly


SheilaJean
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 10:37 PM

My DH was adopted as were his siblings, he grew up living as neighbors and playing together but was not told they were his sisters til he was 12yrs.old at which point he was devastated, he felt like his whole life had been a lie. He says he was hurt and very angry!!! Knowing this if I had an adopted child and knew they had siblings with the bio-mom or otherwise I would make sure the child was aware that they had siblings and give them the opportunity to ask questions if they wanted to.

penny201
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 11:07 PM

I am replying just so I can come back to this. I have a poem if I can find it........IDK she might be young for it now but when I was younger my BFF was adopted and she showed me the poem. It was great. Hope I can find it for you. 





Penny         

fiddymommy
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 11:07 PM
Quoting wentworth99:

I am in need of some advice. My 6yr old DD is adopted she is my Bio-niece (my sisters birth child ) I have had her since she was 6wks old her adoption was final when she was 3. My son was almost 4 when Hailey came to live with us he knows my sister is Hailey's bio mother. I have told Hailey about her adoption and that she did not come out of my belly but my sisters who we still see from time to time that is as much as she knows right now. I do not think she has put it together that coming out of someones belly makes you a mother in other words I do not think she knows my sister is her "Bio"mother even though she does know she came from her belly . Anyway my son who is now 10 told Hailey "Mom does not like you " just typical brother stuff but Hailey started to cry I said of course I love you Hailey you are my DD I said ignore your brother. When I told Hailey she was my DD My son said but she is adopted. UGH IDK what to do I sat my son down and explained that Hailey is just as much my DD as my other DD. My ? is how and when do i start to give Hailey more info. Like her siblings are really her "cousins" or that she has 3 half brothers 2that she met briefly and 1 she has not (the 2 she met she does not know they are her bros) and that her bio father my sister still lives with and Hailey also sees him not knowing who he really is. I do not want to let her down I want to always be as honest as I can with her she is going to be 7 in April. Is there anybody who has any advice ? thank you for reading this. I really could use any input ...

I agree with wentworth99. I think it is important that adopted children know the truth about their adoptions and about their families when you know things about them.

penny201
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 11:15 PM

I found it!!!!!!!!

 

 

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Author Unknown

 

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

 

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

 

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

 

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

 

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

 

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

 

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.





Penny         

bigmama224
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 11:43 PM

I was adopted when I was 13 my gave me up.  When she did I was reall young too, when she did I went into too many homes and I had it hard too.  Do body did want to play with me or nothing but I had to find the hard way to make it.  When my mother had finally adopted me and my sister I was happy because I had got tired to go from home to home.  You should be glad that you got her and nobody else did.  My mother had told me when she adopte me that my bio-mother will no lomger be my mother and she will be my mother I was happy because i did not know my mother at all.  When she gets about 11 or 12 then let her know but still let her see her bio-mother.  My kids know that I have two mothers and they know that they have 3 grandmothers. I had told them what my mother did to me and i had told them that I will not do that to them.. Just let her know the reason why she is not living with her bio-mother and why you had to take care of her. Let her know when she gets old, myu mother told me that she was going to keep us when I was  about 11 or 12 and did it when I was 13.

Bigmama224
KidsHelper
by on Jan. 19, 2010 at 9:00 AM

I was 10 when I was finally told.  At first I was devastated.  However, my "mom" did the right thing.  First of all, it was a total shock.  I was never told that I had come from anywhere else.  My mom was my mom and my dad was my dad.  I didn't want it any other way.  I was actually scared that I would have to go back to my bio mom.  That was my big fear.

The main problem is that you want to make her understand that you CHOSE to keep her because you love her and wanted her to have a good life.  You have to explain that her parents love her, but for whatever reason couldn't be the best family for her.  Obviously they either agreed to the adoption or lost their rights.  If they agreed, then it is even better.  You can point out that everyone wanted her to have the best life that she could.  When you go into detail about who they are, then that makes it even a stronger case that they didn't want to let her go.  They didn't give her to strangers.  They gave her to you because they knew you would love her and care for her and they could still know her.  As for her having brothers or sisters, that will be more important later in life. 

Honestly, if I were you, I would just take it in small bits.  Maybe tell her now that aunt whoever is whose tummy she came out of but gave her to you to care for.  Then explain that the other kids are her half-siblings.  Just don't make a huge deal out of it.  I have a half brother and half sister, but have no relationship with them.  I have no hard feelings against them, I just don't feel driven to be part of their life.  I have my life, and they have theirs.  You really just have to give her the information and let her deal with it as she will.  Just be absolutely certain to stay positive and NEVER bash her bio parents.

wentworth99
by on Jan. 19, 2010 at 9:51 AM

Thank You ! I love it !

Quoting penny201:

I found it!!!!!!!!

 

 

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Author Unknown

 

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

 

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

 

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

 

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

 

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

 

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

 

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.


Katie mother to 5 children  Noah 7-25-99,Hailey 4-18-03,
Riley 4-6-04,Caleb 10-12-05, Gracie 4-9-08.
family in the van




 




 




 




knepppi
by on Jan. 19, 2010 at 1:53 PM
qtmomof2
by on Jan. 19, 2010 at 2:04 PM

I'd tell her more details but I honestly think it won't matter in her eyes. When my DD was 3 I got married and she has only ever known my ex husband (yeah, we divorced) as her Dad. She KNOWS he is her step dad but he IS the only one. Even though we are divorced he still plays a big part in her life. Infact, this friday they are going to a father/daughter dance at her school. She never asks questions about the bio-father she's never met before ...it is what it is. I don't think she wants to change things. I just think we as parents get all worked up over it and the kids are just like "yeah, whatever, ok Mom". My DD sometimes calls my ex Dad and sometimes his first name. But if anyone were to say "what is your Dad's name?" she'd give you his name. He's Dad ..all the way!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)