Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stubborness getting to me- need advise

Posted by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 8:03 PM
  • 8 Replies

 I have 4 kids. 9 year old boy (with ASD and ADHD), 6 yr, 4 yr and 1 yr old girls. I love them dearly. They are the apple of my eye.


They are well behaved most of the time while in public. But at home, the older ones can be very disrespectful, defiant, rude, stubborn, and disobedient. In theory, I believe that kids ought not be spanked or yelled at. I believe firmly in talking to children and using positive reinforcement, loss of priviledges, time out and extra chores. This works up until a certain point. But since daddy works 4 hours away and cannot live at home with us, I am by myself most of the time and I get pretty worn down at times. At a certain point, I don't want to hear any more debates about cleaning a room, nor do I feel like putting up with a child who flat out ignores my instructions. I yell, spank, and even smack. (I am embarrassed to admit this and that's why  I am asking for help) because I get to the point where I am sick of all the backtalk and arguements and attitude. I am sick of being disobeyed. Sometimes, I just want the evening to go smoothly without any arguements.


I want to be a good mom, the kind who never yells and has such a great relationship with her kids. I don't like feeling so angry and treating my kids like they are irritants in my life instead of blessings. How can I get my children to follow simple instructions without all these shenanigans going on?

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 8:03 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-8):
rkoloms
by on Jun. 4, 2010 at 6:29 AM

Mostly, I think that you need a break!

Can you hire a babysitter, or farm the kids out to family members for a day?

Robin in Chicago

mrsbroadway
by on Jun. 4, 2010 at 10:11 AM

No family members around that would be willing or that I would trust. :-(

But you are right. I just need a break. When I have time to myself, I am a much better mom. That doesn't excuse my actions.


From here on out, its just complaining so feel free not even to read it.

Its frustrating to me that I work so hard to keep the house clean and then have the kids come home from school and wreck it within an hour. They argue about doing any chores. Or they will say they will do the chores, then disappear. I enjoy cooking but they won't eat anything but "kid food" (you know, chicken nuggets, spaghetti, pizza, mac and cheese...). So if I work hard to make them a balanced meal, they complain about it and won't eat it. That turns into a big fight, too. Bed time routine is a mess. No evening passes without yelling from me, and crying fro mthe kids. I have great intentions. I really do. But when I try to get them in the PJs and have story time, they argue and bicker and wiggle and talk. they won't listen at all. It is a pain in the rear to get them to just enjoy life. They love to get each other in trouble and pester each other.My 6 yr old girl refuses to stay in bed and she constantly gets up or bothers her brother and sister. This causes my 4 yr old to whine and wail. This wakes up the baby. It is all very irritating and exhausting.


And then my hubby will come home on the weekends and complain about the way and time I clean the house. So the cleaning doesn't get done at all. The house gets into even bigger mess, which is frustrating and depressing to me since my mood usually matches my surroundings, it seems. I ask for time away and he complains about not having enough time  with me and says that I use him as a babysitter when he gets home. So I feel bad about doing anything for myself. He says nice things to me and he really does love me. But when I ask him for help around the house or with the kids, I get complaints and refusal. They are not blatant. He does it in a more subtle way. But the results are the same. I get no help or free time.

It would help if I just received some gratitude from the kids and some understanding from my husband. In fact today, I let the kids buy lunch today like they always want (I usually pack their lunches to save money). And my eldest complained that I was only giving him money for lunch and no treats. My eldest daughter (6yr) still sometimes poops in her pants, which is vile and repulsive. She knows how to use the bathroom. She has been potty trained for years. She has always had a hard time going poop because it used to hurt her. I changed everyone's diet to include a lot of fiber so it wouldn't hurt her any more. It worked but she still poops in her pants. To me, it is a sign of laziness and shows a severe lack of concern for me since I have to clean it up. I am sure I have the incorrect perspective here but when I have to clean it up, it is easy to take it personally.


I have just had it, you know?

IMAMOM2-2KIDS
by on Jun. 4, 2010 at 10:21 AM

 Oh wow you do have your hands full and I totally get that you are stressed and totally need the break(my hubby works away from home also) I have no real advise but that you hubby needs to step up and stop being a butt. I am very strict with my 2 so it seems to help us in the way I run things. I do spank when they refuse to follow anyother rules and the other punishments have not worked. But I dont like to do it and ise it as a last resort.

As for the 6 year old I would tel her she can clean herself. Nasty yup but I she is being to lazy to go the pot then she can clean it up.OR I would set a clock and make her go sit on the potty every so often like you do a toddler.

((HUGS))

mamaslilpunkin
by on Jun. 4, 2010 at 10:28 AM

 Have you tried a 'to-do'chart?Or maybe just a chart in general? Make a list of the things they are responsible for doing before school(make bed own bed,get dressed,brush teeth) and after school things(no backpacks and coats on the floor)and evening to-do's(brush teeth,pj's on).Maybe have a reward the next night if everyone does what their supposed to,like a family board game or a dvd with popcorn.When my dd used to get out of bed after being put in bed,I'd warn her that the next time out of bed earned her a trip to the corner.thankfully,I only had to put her in the corner a few times. I only have 1 child so I really don't know how tough it is for a mom with 4 kids but I hope things settle down for you! But I notice that when my dd knows whats expected of her(because we are all family members and we each have to have our own responsibilities,it isn't fair for mommy to do it all,this is how i explain it to her),things go easier.

Lilypie
mrsbroadway
by on Jun. 4, 2010 at 10:48 AM


Quoting IMAMOM2-2KIDS:

 Oh wow you do have your hands full and I totally get that you are stressed and totally need the break(my hubby works away from home also) I have no real advise but that you hubby needs to step up and stop being a butt. I am very strict with my 2 so it seems to help us in the way I run things. I do spank when they refuse to follow anyother rules and the other punishments have not worked. But I dont like to do it and ise it as a last resort.

As for the 6 year old I would tel her she can clean herself. Nasty yup but I she is being to lazy to go the pot then she can clean it up.OR I would set a clock and make her go sit on the potty every so often like you do a toddler.

((HUGS))

I do make her clean it up herself, but I usually end up regretting it and cleaning her up myself. She uses the entire roll of toilet paper and clogs the toilet up. She gets mess everywhere in tha bathroom and stinks up the place. It is a huge hassle. And she whines about it and puts up a big fight.


Shje absolutely hates sitting on the potty. But perhaps that is the right thing to do, having her sit down on the potty for specific times during the day. I just have to come up with a way to make it fun. Hmm...how to do that?


As for my husband, i don't want to give the impression that he is a lazy slob. That isn't the case at all. He works very hard, I dare say he works longer hours and more jobs than most men would even consider doing. And he is an excellent father and loving husband. Its just that when he gets home on the weekends, he balks against doing houseowrk or watching the kids so I can sleep in or go out with a friend. He will ocassionally do it if I am going to the store for a moment. I don't think he understands how he affects me when he complains about doing chores or watching the kids.


Seeing all this in black and white has made me realize that I just need to have a talk with my husband. I think things would be different if he understood these things.

mrsbroadway
by on Jun. 4, 2010 at 10:56 AM


Quoting mamaslilpunkin:

 Have you tried a 'to-do'chart?Or maybe just a chart in general? Make a list of the things they are responsible for doing before school(make bed own bed,get dressed,brush teeth) and after school things(no backpacks and coats on the floor)and evening to-do's(brush teeth,pj's on).Maybe have a reward the next night if everyone does what their supposed to,like a family board game or a dvd with popcorn.When my dd used to get out of bed after being put in bed,I'd warn her that the next time out of bed earned her a trip to the corner.thankfully,I only had to put her in the corner a few times. I only have 1 child so I really don't know how tough it is for a mom with 4 kids but I hope things settle down for you! But I notice that when my dd knows whats expected of her(because we are all family members and we each have to have our own responsibilities,it isn't fair for mommy to do it all,this is how i explain it to her),things go easier.

I am a big fan of lists, even for myself. I love watching Supernanny and I adopt many of her tactics in my household. We have a chart that lists the house rules on it. We all have a chores chart (even me, lol) to show which person has which chore on which day. The problem with that is stick-to-it-iveness. Somedays, I am too exhausted to fight with them about it. Last night, I cleared their rooms of their toys. They cried like you would not believe. It was both funny and pitiful at the same time. My problem is that somtimes I get SO overwhelmed and bombarded with disobedience and disrespect that I either go way overboard with punishments (like taking ALL their toys out of their room, and putting them on electronics-restriction for a week, while yelling at them like I did last night) or I try very hard not to yell at them or go overboard so I do nothing at all, letting them get away with it. It has a lot to do with my energy level and how much I have taken on at one time and for how long. I think if I talk to my husband about some of this, he can help me with it. He is good at talking to the kids on speaker phone and telling them that they are not to back talk his sweetheart (me). I really appreciate it. But if he could help with the actual physical work of running the household, that would be SO much better.


kmrtigger
by Kandice on Jun. 4, 2010 at 11:03 AM

 Ohh, hun. I do agree that a nice looooooong talk with Dh is in order. Maybe you need to start making a list of what all you actually do around the house to have handy to show him.

Also I think the kids are old enough to step up and take some chores off your hands. Google a chore chart online and print it out. Make copies and divide up the chores. Have a reward system for each child. The reward doesn't have to be cash or something new. It could be as simple as bake cookies with mom. Or movie night in the living room. Simple free, rewards.

And most of all you need to find someone that can watch the kids for even just one hour. You don't need to leave the house. Hire a sitter and take a nap or go read a book. You need some ME time. Hubby isn't going to understand that b/c he gets his ME time when he is away all week.

I hope you do talk to hubby and find a solution to help with the kiddos and the fighting, etc.

mrsbroadway
by on Jun. 4, 2010 at 11:49 AM

Maybe I should hire a babysitter every week or two weeks to watch the kids during the day while I go to the library or get my hair done or go to the movies with a friend or something.... I think if I had more me-time, I would be a better person in general.

 

I am writing out an email to my husband telling him how busy and worn down  I get during the week and how that affects me on the weekends, why I need him to give me a weekly night out and help with the chores when I am up doing chores in the morning. The past two weeks he has complained about letting me sleep in, so I will talk with him about that as well.

But all of this will have to wait to put into practice because he has drill this weekend. He won't be able to help with the chores, watch the kids or let me sleep in at all anyway until next weekend. I hope this is still fresh on his mind and important to him when next weekend gets here.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)