Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Bluntly speaking, I would say my FIL is a bonafide racist, but only when it comes to African Americans. He uses the 'N' word constantly. I have asked him more than a few times to refrain while in my home, it is not how I was raised. Last weekend, I actually caught him telling my 3,5,and 8 year olds why 'n's are not worthy to live among real americans. Never have my children used the phrase white people, black people, they never saw differences, till now. Needless to say, I flipped. I told him that until he quit being a bigot, he was no longer welcome. Now my dh is mad at me for jumping his father, saying he can't help his views, because of how he was raised, and I had no right to lose my temper. He just laughs off this behavior. Like I said, my children are being raised to not see differences, and I don't need this negative input. What would you have done? How do I handle this?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 13, 2012 at 7:03 AM
Replies (31-32):
by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 3:14 PM

My husband is very racist as well, and his daughter (my step-daughter) has been in a biracial relationship, and now has a biracial daughter. He refuses to acknowledge the baby and has nothing to do with his daughter. He also uses the "n" word, and talks liberally (in anger, nonetheless) in front of our now 12 yr old son (my son with him). I cannot change this man, is he stubborn and hardheaded, and his daughter is too for that matter. Now, she really did everything she could to spite us from the time she was 13 yrs old. Her mother died when she was 3, btw. And when her dad was married to her mother, her mother cheated on him with a black man he thought was his friend, among many other betrayals which really imbittered him. (I know - I've suffered from his baggage the past 20 yrs) Anyway, the daughter went to live with her maternal grandmother in another state for a couple of years, but the grandmother told me that she was even worse than we told her she was! Come to find out, the GM let her, at 15, live with her boyfriend and never told us. As a matter of fact, we got told very little, but some of it came out when the truth could no longer be hid. She had to come back to us at about 16-17 right in that time frame, but it was a nightmare. She would sneak off with people we had no idea of, to really bad parts of Memphis. I don't think she understood how bad some of those areas were. We tried to work with her, and I thought at first she might try to do right, but she refused to quit seeing black guys, and openly told people it was "to get her daddy back" Although I don't know what she was trying to get him back so hard for, if anything, it seemed she had power over us, cause she refused to do anything but what she wanted to do, period. Stood in our face and told us she smoked cigarettes and pot, and there was nothing we could do about it. So she ended up in behavioral health inpatient. And she apparently convinced the counselors there that we were the problem!!! Well, we kept trying to get help for her, and she spent time on probation after stealing from a store and getting caught, but they just put her on probation, and they did nothing at all for her. I know, because I was a juvenile probation officer in the same region, just a different county, as she went to live with her aunt after this incident, because it wasn't working out at all, especially between her and her dad. I tried to keep the peace, cause all the strife for all those years (he had another daughter too that didn't act like this, but she had a real chip on her shoulder - turned out to be a real good girl though) Now, my husband's sister has a lot to do with her baby, and his mother has something to do with her too, she just lives quite a distance away and doesn't see her as much. We live next door to his mom, and they've brought the baby to family get-togethers, and my husband doesn't say anything, he just avoids her. He'll usually just join the men crowd, and of course, the baby will be with us women. So, AGAIN, I'm stuck in the middle. A part of this is that now she's saying she won't come to family functions unless her boyfriend/baby daddy can come too. Well, that's going out of bounds of what some of these men around here are going to allow. They didn't like it about the baby, but - she's a baby. She's always trying to push people further than they want to go, and all for her sake, have the entire family bow down to want she wants to see happen. Now, she knew all the while how her dad and some of the other family thought about this to start with. I wish she'd just leave it alone at the baby gets to know this side of the family. I don't mind her boyfriend, he's nothing but polite when he's around me, and he's got some potential too, but I know there's a totally different side to him too. Him and my daughter got into trouble together right after having the baby, and he had to go to prison for a year. She was put on probation, but didn't do anything she was supposed to, didn't go see her probation officer because she could never pass a drug test and didn't have a place to live, cause she fights with her boyfriend's mom like she thinks she bought and paid for that house, tries to tell her what to do, so she was just drifting with the baby while her boyfriend was in prison. I hated to hear that was going to happen, because other than stealing that stuff they stole (grand larceny - a felony at 19 yrs old), on a day to day basis, she seemed to be much more domesticated, and I know she loves her baby. She used to try to fight with me all the time too (wouldn't stop until it happened - would force me to assert boundaries), but as soon as she got pregnant, she instantly stopped doing that! I was thrilled. We haven't argued since, and the baby is now 1 1/2 yrs old. So, we've gotten much closer, but I don't know what to tell her about all this. I run out of answers a long time ago. She's lied so much on me and her dad, I told her, and it's true, that I got "disowned" by my father for much less than she's done. I really hadn't done anything, but wanted to see my mom after they divorced, and he always told me that if I ever went to go live with her, he'd disown me. Well, I did, and he did just what he said. I'm 42 and 6 yrs ago my little brother died, and my father has been there for me a little, but my brother was his favorite. But, at least we have forgiveness and peace between us. He's quite wealthy and has been helped me get my son's Christmas for the past 2 yrs, gave my older step-daughter a very generous graduation gift, much to my & her delight, and he sent me a generous amount to buy my growing son winter clothes last year, because we had fell on really hard times. But, back to the story. Her boyfriend completed his program in prison, and is now out on parole, doing well last I heard, not smoking pot, working enough to pay his fines, making sure the baby's okay - even though it's his mother really raising the baby. He is still carousing around, I don't think he's being faithful to my daughter at all, but she's in prison since they caught up with her for probation violation. The judge had originally given them both 10 yrs, so if they mess this all up, they could be looking at increasing time in jail. She's been in the local jail for 3 months, then finally had her hearing two weeks ago, and she got a year with time served. They are sending her to the state women's penitentiary, which I've always heard was a rough place to be. It's a good thing my daughter thinks she can do anything, because she'll also cut you and has cut people, and will threaten to cut you. Of course, she thinks she's tough, but I'm sure she's going to find plenty of others that are tougher than her. And she's got a big mouth too. She's not going to let someone talk her down, which means she probably will get in fights. I'm really worried about her, this has went on for way too long, and she weaved a web that just destructive for herself. I know my story ended up being about a lot more than racism, but it a large part of her story too, and ours, because it is definitely a force in our life that has yet to be resolved. And I agree that teaching a child to think like that is putting them at a disadvantage in this generation, and it makes me mad as I can get, that he's putting those thoughts right in the middle of my son's path. People on here are totally right, it's going to affect the kids, make THEM the outcasts, the ignorant ones, and everybody's going to be able to see it but them. Just like my husband. I was raised in 2 large cities growing up, and I never saw color either, until I moved to a little town in MS. I had no idea people thought like that till then. I was never attracted to a black guy, just because, I just wasn't. I was boy-crazy, but they were all white. But, it wasn't over being racist. And I was raised in the 80's too, and it wasn't talked about, but there was no stigma that I remember neither. I never had many black people around me, but when I did, I saw them like anybody else. Anyhow, I also wanted to come out in support of the original poster mom about the GF getting the kids off to the side and telling them those things. He did that, because he was being sneaky, he knew it went against what she wanted. I'd be mad as crap too, but I would also talk to my kids and explain to them how he was wrong and to trust momma. They are more likely to be persuaded by and believe what she tells them. I can give the DH the benefit of the doubt - he probably just really doesn't know how to handle the situation either, and it also puts him in the position of having to confront his dad, who may have had a tremendous amount of control over him growing up, and he might be a little intimidated by him, or he may realize his dad is stubborn and trying to talk to him would be fruitless. But, she might be able to bring her husband around to how wrong and sneaky it is of him to go around them and make it a point to teach THEIR kids something that they don't want them taught. In the meantime, she can be firm, without being disrespectful, even if that means he cannot be with the kids unattended. If they see that she really means it, hopefully they'll both back down and begin to respect her wishes. It could happen :)

by on Apr. 15, 2012 at 4:00 PM

I would have kicked his ass out of my home.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN