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Really need some ideas

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:54 AM
  • 9 Replies

Some back story. My SS is 5 (turns 6 next month) He was left home alone with his 4 year old brother at the age of 6months for two days before my DH (his father) came for visitation. DH is not the elder boys bf but he was granted custody after mom never showed in court. DH stuggled as a single dad but did do the best he could. He really focused on the mental health of the eldest for 2 years and got both boys into a great routine that involved outside "motherly" influences that were postive. Unfortunally DH didn't relize how bad he spoiled the youngest (understandable because he tried for a child for 10 years and this is his only biological child) the eldest still holds a lot of grudges against DH b/c he believes in the back of head that mom is coming back. I married DH last october after we dated for a year. I have a daugher that turns 6 today and another daughter that turns 5 in Aug. So both of our eldest and youngest children have become middle children in our blended family. Before School started I had a severly water damaged house so we ended up camping out at DHs home for the first two months. We slowly were able to combine our schedules and get everyone on the same level. My SS went to a city preschool for 2 years prior to Kindergarden and even back then he was treated differently because his aunt from his moms side works there. He tested fine for being ready for kindergarden both by the preschool and the school district. My daughter had more issues in the begining (she is borderline bi-polar like me) we honestly expected calls from the school every day.

Here is the issue, In the begining DH and I decided that we would handle our own childrens things with school until life was more in the norm. This is one because my DD's father is heavly involved in their lives and he didn't want to overstep and I legally have no rights to the eldest so we didn't want unfair treatment. SS class has a behavior chart that goes from green (good), yellow (one warning), red (loss of privliges) and black (sent to principls) My DD has a simalar system (I think that will come later on).

I have over heard the weekly folder review for the last two months and everytime its disapointing from SS. I usually don't look over DD's til Sunday night. I finally took the folder last month before teacher parent conferances and counted each day/what the color was. Since Aug 15th he has had 2 greens, over 74 yellows, and 14 blacks (I gave up looking at the reds that was all the rest of them) I was able to make this meeting (last time I was really sick) and the teacher is just as concerned as we are. they signed him up for councling like his brother but only gets to see her twice a week. but since the conference on March 8th he has had nothing but blacks other than 3 days with greens (right after the conference) We don't find out about the principal visits til the end of the day now but in the begining they were calling DH (and our school does do paddleing. I am severly against it but dh isn't. DH has told the school its ok but they havne't done it yet) Last week  SS lied about getting greens, he said he left his folder at school but while they were on a boy scouts camping trip I found his folder under the porch (what 5 year old figures that out is beyond me) on sunday when they returned I had it sitting on DH's side of the bed. Well as anyone can figure he wasn't happy at all but at the same time he was so tired from the trip (it was over did they were not at camp from 6am to 10pm) that he told SS he would deal with him later. That night we got a call from our friends in New Mexico (we live in Arkansas) that are trying to move their dying father and the truck driver ditched at the last minute. DH had to leave last minute and will be gone til Sunday. After I dropped off the girls at their dads today the eldest told me that SS was in the office so I asked him about it and he told me he went twice once because he needed "alone time" and the second he wouldn't answer why he was sent. I told him at school he is out of luck with "alone time" I'm in college and still don't get alone time and that was something he was going to have to work out in time. But we are at our wits end we don't know what to do. We have talked about holding him back but there is an on the fence research about it. We have one more month of school and unfortunally we know he just won't change. We have tried restrictions, he has no tv time, he has lost toys, lost his bike yet he still pulls the temper at home and at school. He thinks that he can manualtipe anyone because he has been able to do it before. Every note I've seen when he goes to the principals is they say he is remorseful. He says sorry but I've told him before since he lies a lot that him saying sorry when he doesn't mean it is a lie (he has always walked off from me at that point) I don't know what else we can try. Is holding him back going to help. My daughter who is turning 5 in Aug misses the cut off by one week so he won't be in kindergarden with her (if he is held back we would have a kid in almost every grade) but would it help? he emotionally is not there, and its because everyone has babied him in the past. We have cut his old once a weekend visit trip to his grandmas because one she won't accept any child buy him, but also because she won't tell him no. and when she does he gets his way after throwing a fit. He flat out doesn't listen to me, and that irrates DH more than anything. He lies to DH which usually will end in a good 5 min timeout or a afternoon in a room. DH use to spank and has really tried to cut back unless its a serious offense or its the final straw. (he is southern everyone spanks in our town) but that was the only way SS would listen is if we threatened with a belt. Now he has relized that I don't spank. My DD who is the same age and sufferes severly with speech, and mental issues has had one bad day in the whole year and it was a note saying she wasn't paying attention (she was up late with a sister who was throwing up and sick) she has been exceling in school and is in the highest reading bracket of her class (they have diffrent teachers) and I hear nothing but great things from everyone at the school. You mention my SS name and frowns happen. He is a total terror and luckly DH has finally relized it but is it to late? sorry for the typos I'm on my nook so I can't spell check and I type to fast for this sometimes.

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:54 AM
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Replies (1-9):
aetrom
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:07 AM
First off he is a young boy and many boys struggle in the education system anyway. And being ready mentally is not the same necessarily as being ready in all the other ways!

Is he in the same class as his stepsister? That could cause conflict too. I would say holding him back might help. But it also sounds like he has had a rough childhood. Counseling and understanding is needed. Are you only using school provided counseling? Perhaps a family counselor would be a better fit?
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Jinx-Troublex3
by Platinum Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:07 AM
What I would say is, you are now one family, everyone needs to be treated the same and discipline the same. It has been long enough, all the kids are familiar with both parents.

Sit all the kids down together, come up with family rules, for the house and in regards to school behavior and post them where they will be seen the most. Do the same for consequences.

Becaause of their ages, I would probably try a reward system like the marble jar. Good behaviors earn marbles, bad behavior negative schoool days lose them. Make sure there are plenty of ways to earn so they see the positive of it.

When we first started this with ds who has adhd, to rean marbles he...
Got out of bed with a good attitude, got dressed on his own, rinsed dishes after breakfast without a reminder, hung packpack on the peg when he got home without reminder, etc...whatever works with your routine...

Losses were talking back, getting a card color change at school, lose 2 for principal visit or call home, being mean or hitting, using bad words, losing an assignment, etc...again whatever he needs to focus o needs to be on there.
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mitchiesgirl
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:10 AM
I'm sorry... But did you say they were left home alone for 2 days? I can't get passed that
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Cambriagurlmom
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:17 AM


Quoting aetrom:

First off he is a young boy and many boys struggle in the education system anyway. And being ready mentally is not the same necessarily as being ready in all the other ways!

Is he in the same class as his stepsister? That could cause conflict too. I would say holding him back might help. But it also sounds like he has had a rough childhood. Counseling and understanding is needed. Are you only using school provided counseling? Perhaps a family counselor would be a better fit?


My DD is in a different class. He is in counseling 4 times a week outside of school, and they tried to get him off last year. They said that he has improved so much that he only needs it once a week but we told them no and we are still continuing. It's not really a mental readiness, its an education readiness. He is failing all of his stuff because of his outbursts, lack of paying attention, and the attitude of not wanting to do it. It's hard to word it right. You can see the difference between him and every other boy in his grade but they said he tests normal. I know that homeschooling would help but right now we can't homeschool because both DH and I work fulltime and I am going to school full time.

Cambriagurlmom
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:28 AM


Quoting Jinx-Troublex3:

What I would say is, you are now one family, everyone needs to be treated the same and discipline the same. It has been long enough, all the kids are familiar with both parents.

Sit all the kids down together, come up with family rules, for the house and in regards to school behavior and post them where they will be seen the most. Do the same for consequences.

Becaause of their ages, I would probably try a reward system like the marble jar. Good behaviors earn marbles, bad behavior negative schoool days lose them. Make sure there are plenty of ways to earn so they see the positive of it.

When we first started this with ds who has adhd, to rean marbles he...
Got out of bed with a good attitude, got dressed on his own, rinsed dishes after breakfast without a reminder, hung packpack on the peg when he got home without reminder, etc...whatever works with your routine...

Losses were talking back, getting a card color change at school, lose 2 for principal visit or call home, being mean or hitting, using bad words, losing an assignment, etc...again whatever he needs to focus o needs to be on there.

We do have a family rules and consequences. Thats how he has lost every privliage in the house. We return them at the end of a week but he looses them all over again. We have rocks (I found some cool ones at the creek) 4 rocks earns 30min tv or video game they start with 7 a week. I tried to keep the outside off limits on restrictions because I want my kids to be active but We have resorted to taking away a bike for a week, or not allowing outside with the other kids for two days. We tried the school issues with the rocks but the problem was that both SS's were loosing all the rocks by day two (After 5months I told DH we needed to figure out something else but we still haven't figured anything else out) SS was getting violent with my DD's when DH would reward DD's with their "time" and I felt that it wasn't worth my 4 year old getting another black eye for doing something good. Now we have replaced the rocks with allowance. 14 rocks is $5. of course neither SS has gotten their allowance for over two months. We give them 2 rocks for anything they do on their own without being told like the chores or room duties (even as basic as putting on socks) but the most I have given SS in two months is 4 rocks and he has lost a rock for every outburst, two rocks for cursing or threating, and 3 rocks for hitting. My DD's are guilty on the cursing sometimes, and I have stopped giving them rocks for the basic (getting ready stuff) I talked to both my daughters and they understand that we are trying to encourage SS to help himself. Everyone gives into him if he screams and all the kids are just as guilty as past adults.

aetrom
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:31 AM
When I said mental that is what I meant he has the mental capacity but not necessarily ready for a classroom setting. I agree to with the fact that as a husband and wife you need to set some rules and discipline including positive reinforcement and it needs to be consistent that gives security...


Quoting Cambriagurlmom:



Quoting aetrom:

First off he is a young boy and many boys struggle in the education system anyway. And being ready mentally is not the same necessarily as being ready in all the other ways!

Is he in the same class as his stepsister? That could cause conflict too. I would say holding him back might help. But it also sounds like he has had a rough childhood. Counseling and understanding is needed. Are you only using school provided counseling? Perhaps a family counselor would be a better fit?


My DD is in a different class. He is in counseling 4 times a week outside of school, and they tried to get him off last year. They said that he has improved so much that he only needs it once a week but we told them no and we are still continuing. It's not really a mental readiness, its an education readiness. He is failing all of his stuff because of his outbursts, lack of paying attention, and the attitude of not wanting to do it. It's hard to word it right. You can see the difference between him and every other boy in his grade but they said he tests normal. I know that homeschooling would help but right now we can't homeschool because both DH and I work fulltime and I am going to school full time.


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Cambriagurlmom
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:32 AM


Quoting mitchiesgirl:

I'm sorry... But did you say they were left home alone for 2 days? I can't get passed that


Yea she is bi-polar too and went on a drug binge after having SS. DH and her had already split up but luckly she allowed once a week visits. otherwise who knows who would have found them. Luckly the eldest was able to "change" a dirty diaper (he tried) and he gave his baby brother milk (whole) juice, and water in a bottle. for a 4 year old he did pretty good but he was use to a out of sorts mother and DH told me the time he was around them the boy would tell him mom to feed him she didn't. DH had a one-night drunkin binge with her. they met at a bar, and it took her 4 months to figure out who the dad was.

Cambriagurlmom
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:36 AM

I feel bad for him so much that when my DD brings her amazing math skills I down play her acheivments so he doesn't feel bad. Her and the 9 year old sit and do Multiplication during dinner and he tries but gets so angry that he doesn't get it right. I love that my "problem" child is doing great I wish he could to. I just don't know if holding him back would help. He is manulative and tries everything. Usually people give into him because he is cute and nice until he does something wrong. He is a sweet child but you can tell the difference and I'm so out of Ideas. DH and I know that his mom did plenty of drugs with both him and his brother and we are curently trying to get his brother dio b/c of his own struggles.

Quoting aetrom:

When I said mental that is what I meant he has the mental capacity but not necessarily ready for a classroom setting. I agree to with the fact that as a husband and wife you need to set some rules and discipline including positive reinforcement and it needs to be consistent that gives security...


Quoting Cambriagurlmom:

 


Quoting aetrom:

First off he is a young boy and many boys struggle in the education system anyway. And being ready mentally is not the same necessarily as being ready in all the other ways!

Is he in the same class as his stepsister? That could cause conflict too. I would say holding him back might help. But it also sounds like he has had a rough childhood. Counseling and understanding is needed. Are you only using school provided counseling? Perhaps a family counselor would be a better fit?


My DD is in a different class. He is in counseling 4 times a week outside of school, and they tried to get him off last year. They said that he has improved so much that he only needs it once a week but we told them no and we are still continuing. It's not really a mental readiness, its an education readiness. He is failing all of his stuff because of his outbursts, lack of paying attention, and the attitude of not wanting to do it. It's hard to word it right. You can see the difference between him and every other boy in his grade but they said he tests normal. I know that homeschooling would help but right now we can't homeschool because both DH and I work fulltime and I am going to school full time.



mitchiesgirl
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 10:38 AM
Wow.... That's so sad :( I'm sorry your sks had to go through all that... I didn't read all of the responses but there are therapies out there for "difficult children" and those with troubled pasts (aside from counseling). Maybe you and your DH can praise him for little accomplishments. Talk to his dr. about punishments that may get through. If his mother is bipolar, perhaps he has it as well (early onset). He went through alot and he may just be seriously traumatized. Sounds like he had to be a man all the time and that's alot for him to handle. Or maybe he feels he needs a little more responsibility (doesn't know how to be a kid) which may be why he's acting out as well. Perhaps a very nice, understanding tutor (my niece is a behavior therapist and she also helps with homework and understanding for kids with moderate/severe autism and add/ADHD she says that consistency is a must even through the meltdowns.

Quoting Cambriagurlmom:



Quoting mitchiesgirl:

I'm sorry... But did you say they were left home alone for 2 days? I can't get passed that


Yea she is bi-polar too and went on a drug binge after having SS. DH and her had already split up but luckly she allowed once a week visits. otherwise who knows who would have found them. Luckly the eldest was able to "change" a dirty diaper (he tried) and he gave his baby brother milk (whole) juice, and water in a bottle. for a 4 year old he did pretty good but he was use to a out of sorts mother and DH told me the time he was around them the boy would tell him mom to feed him she didn't. DH had a one-night drunkin binge with her. they met at a bar, and it took her 4 months to figure out who the dad was.

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