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Ok, I've Had It! I Want To Ring Their Little Necks!!!

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Hi Cafe'ers:

I have ALOT to say. Hope you don't mind. There are 3 girls in my dd's 3rd grade class that are making her life miserable and I'm sick and tired of it! Everyday she comes home from school and feels sad about something they say or do to her. My dd wants so much to be part of their "little clique". One day they like my dd and the next they ignore her. This confuses my dd and I can tell that her self esteem is suffering because of it. She tells me she doesn't think she's good enough because they don't like her or want to be friends with her and she feels like a "nothing". It hurts me so much to hear her say these words & to see her going through this. I've done everything I could to try to help my dd feel better about herself, to be there for her and guide her through this but nothing seems to be helping. Today after school, my daughter came home in tears, AGAIN. We talked and she said the girls were all excited-screaming & jumping up & down-because they were excited that they were all going to have a sleep-over together. My dd wasn't invited-AGAIN. My dd said she just stood there and one of the girls turned to her and said, "Oh, I'm sorry if we're rubbing it in because WE'RE having a sleep-over!" and then she turned away & continued to laugh & carry on with the other girls. My dd said she just stood there and tried not to cry. My dd's never invited to any of their b-day parties, sleep-overs, playdates, etc. My dd has known one of the girls in this group since pre-school. Why would she treat my dd this way? The other two girls' moms I've only met a couple of times and the 2nd girl's mom I did bring up my concerns with her. It seemed like she was in denial that her daughter would treat my dd this way. She said that my dd is welcome to come over and play with her dd anytime, but that has never happened-my dd has never been invited. The 3rd girl's mom I've only seen a couple of times but have never spoken to her yet. I've spoken with the teacher about my concerns with these 3 girls and she tried to help by separating the girls & rotating the girls and put one of the girls from the group and my dd together but nothing changes. The girls still "clique" together the first chance they get at recess, lunch, etc. and leave my dd out once the teacher's not looking. I really don't know what else to do. I'm starting to I the problem? I'm much older than two of the moms of these girls. Could that have anything to do with it? My dd is 9 & my youngest of 4...I have a son that's about the same age as one of the moms!:) Regardless of the reason, I can't stand by and watch my dd be treated like this anymore. I'm sick of it!  What would you do? Thanks so much everybody:)    

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 6:31 PM
Replies (51-57):
by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 6:15 PM

I absolutely agree with you, Natesmom.... When the word "bully" is used so freely, it minimizes the real, true cases of bullying.

Quoting natesmom1228:

Congrats on your daughters presentation. That is great, but I still don't think that is what we are talking about here. This is not bullying, this is some girls who are friends that don't want to be friends with the OP daughter. The bottom line is not everyone is going to be friends and there is no reason they should be. I honestly believe the word bully is so overused and thrown out in every situation.

Quoting RLSMOM59:

The information I found on the website is from one of the sites my daughter used for her Girl Scout Gold project presented to the public about cultural difference and bullying. She had seminars, games, and other activities for children and parents to help bridge the gap. If one person got something out of it, she was successful. From her feedback, they people who attended did ask that she continue or do another presentation.

Knowing and understanding forms or bullying. Not everything is bullying but being able to help a child know what is going on helps the child and parent. Without being educated on the facts, then it becomes a personal crusade. Understanding the culture of the person also tends to diffuse the bullying issue. If the parents think they are better than others, it transfer to the children, who then transfer it to other children. Social economical factor also weigh in on what is going on.  That is why my suggestion was to ask the school to do a presentation of what constitutes bullying and what does not.

OP is asking for suggestion since she has spoken to the teacher who has done some things to help but didn't seems to work. The OP has also spoken with one of the parents. One of the children the daughter has known from pre-school. What has changed during then and 3rd grade. IMO the other girls should be giving the opportunity to discuss why the are doing it. Maybe they don't know it is hurtful, maybe they don't know it's mean or maybe they do. Maybe the administration, teachers and staff have no clue what the signs or types of bullying are present. Maybe we all have our heads in the sand standing, well that's the way they are and it's ok.

If the behavior is an isolated issue, then there is a problem. The girls include her one day then exclude her the next. That type of behavior is a problem.

Quoting natesmom1228:

This is the problem with websites. You can always find a ton that will back up the way you feel. I still don't think it's bullying, but that is just me. I am not here to find people who agree or disagree with me.

We all have felt some type of social alienation (even in adulthood) and it's something that we have to teach our children to remove themselves from the situation. My son is special needs and sometimes does and I am sure will continue to be alientated in the future and I teach him to walk away and ignore people.

Quoting RLSMOM59:

According to many websites I searched through what these girls are doing s a form of bullying. The OP is getting many ideas on what she may or may not do but understanding what the different types of bullying is key

Social alienation is when a bully/person/group excludes someone from a group on purpose. It also includes a bully spreading rumors, and also making fun of someone by pointing out their differences.

Quoting natesmom1228:

I don't find this to be bullying at all. This is just girls being picky girls. This is what happens at this age. You can be best friends one minute and then one can have nothing to do with you the next minute. It happens all the time. I am not even sure they can even really be called bratty or rude. Why does your daughter always stand behind them? Are they in alphabet order or height? I know in my sons class they don't walk by the same kids all the time (unless they want to) and that is where you daughter needs to NOT stand behind or by them. Have her seek the other girls in the lines. 

I am also sorry you are not getting everyone here to agree with you, but that is really not realistic thinking.



by Silver Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 7:53 PM

I don't think this is bullying. Yes, the girls may be acting mean toward her but it's not bullying. Sadly, it happens in school to almost everyone. I have not had to deal with this yet but have taught my ds that not everyone will be your friend, not everyone will like you, and not to worry about what they say. I taught him to be confident in himself and not worry what others think. Your dd needs to become friends with some of the other kids in her class.

by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 12:27 AM
Wow. This has taken an interesting turn. Like I stated earlier, my son has been there too. One time, I felt like he was bullied; another a 'kids will be kids situation,' I guess. So I think that explains my personal experiences as a parent.
I'm really not sure what the OP is going through as I'm not in her shoes. Some of the comments could be taken as bullying (although as with my own 3rd grader, who can be certain how much is real [sorry not the best word, but it's late and I've had a long day] and how much is exaggerated based on how hurt the child is by the behavior and all the bullying talks at school...). I agree that 'bullying' is very overused any more (and don't get me started on the ADD/ADHD mess but that's another story). I also think its a shame for us (women) to be so defensive (check out the skinny girls post or any weight related post it invariably turns into a discussion of hurt feelings and no matter how good the intentions people end up "taking sides") when someone disagrees with us and then this leads to feelings of being unsupported. It's no one's fault. It happens every time there's a disagreement. I wish that women could see how important taking a look at the "other side" really is. Debating is a good thing...on the other hand, some people (and no I'm not referring to the conversation here just stating a general fact) need to remember that there's a person on the other end of the computer...just an example, Child A realizes Child B can hear their conversation. "*OH!* I'm sorry if we're rubbing it in cause we're having a sleepover." goes back to excited talking with friends. Of course, rubbing it in is the name of the game at this age, but remember those old grammar exercises about changing the emphasis...
Just look at how the OP is reacting to the problem...blaming herself because of these kids actions. It's not your fault but I would look at this as a great time to teach your daughter a lesson you may not have fully learned (it's not one that we as women are naturally taught). Whether or not this is called bullying, the key is to give your daughter the power...not the other children. If she follows them around some more, what effect (on all of them) will that have when their behavior continues? If she makes a new friend and goes about her business gaining confidence, she may naturally fall into the friend group or even the popular crowd (but is that what you want? isn't confidence and growing a happy and healthy young woman the goal? And I say this as one who was teased unmercifully before puberty ;). Anyway, I digress and am using smilies...
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 6:48 AM

Alright teach her not to be a snob now and have her make friends with the other girls in her class, then the other girls are not bothering her anymore. My girls were taught at a young age about different attitudes and made friends with girls less fortunate than them they always had friends and never made fun of others. ( I know I kept in touch with them and their teachers)

by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 8:29 AM
wow, sorry but b*tches start young. Your best bet would be to take them down a notch in her mind. Like "do you really want to be friends that would treat someone the way they treat you? Because the only way I can see that they will be friends with you is if you treat other girls the way they treat you!" I don't think you are that kind of person are you?
And mom, yes it hurts, but this WAY common with girls.....especially 9-14 you remember,you've been there. asking teachers to change seats isn't the problem but you (kinda) are by asking. Your daughter sounds shy and sweet....get her some calvin and hobbes books (she'll soo laugh) and start teaching sarcasm....not snarkiness, but those phrases that make the other girls confused as to if they should be offended or not. "oh, wow, hate I'm missing a chance to spend a whole 24 hrs with YOU three." she feels better, and they don't get it. Her self esteem will improve if you'll not baby her too much. She comes home sad it's time to say "Well, georgeous, you knew it would happen, they do it to you what like every third day?" It's not mean, it's helping her see that she's got a better attitude and may branch out to other girls. (and with clubs and such in middle school she find her niche easier, and thankfully it won't be with these girls)
by on Apr. 23, 2012 at 9:04 AM
1 mom liked this


by Member on Apr. 24, 2012 at 6:38 AM

Quoting Cindy18:

As far as it has been described by the OP, this is NOT bullying. These girls are excited about their sleepover, talking about it in line and the OP's DD wants to be included in this "clique" of girls but is not.So, her feelings are hurt. HURT FEELINGS DOES NOT EQUAL BULLYING.

The OP is assuming a whole lot about WHY these girls don't "like" the DD: mom is too old, the other parents don't like the family, etc.The OP never says why these girls don't "like" the DD.

Not everyone "likes" everyone else and that's what makes the world go 'round. It's life.

What is going to happen when your co-worker doesn't "like" you? Do you run to your boss and cry "bully"?

Really, people, by making everything into a bullying issue, you are devaluing when someone is really, truly being bullied.

Quoting RLSMOM59:

I have not read all the post but what these girls are doing is a form a bullying. The are excluding a child because of one or more reasons such as, dress, grades, skin color, hair color, eye color, speech, finanical status, weight, etc.

This would be a great time to talk with the teacher and the school and request that a program for the parent's be done explaining bullying. Once the program for the parents is completed, request the school do one for the children. When the one fo the children is completed, ask the school to install a bully box - children to put concerns or problems in the box signed or unsigned. The school should look in the box every day to see if anyone put anything in it. Once the school comes across an issue, they should make every attempt to investigate.

Finally, if this were my child, the next time the "girls" say they are having a sleep over, I would pack my daughter's stuff and take her. Once at the door, the child would have a lot of explaining to do, in front of the parents.

YAY  someone else that thinks the word bully is over used!  I think we as a whole have over protected this generation to the point where they CAN'T function in adult society ...  I have read articles about parents going on Job Interviews with their kids.  Insane! My mother fought alot of my battles for me, and it took me YEARS to be able to stand up to dumb people.  It wasn't until I had a job where one of the girls truly didn't like me that I learned that Mom couldn't help me there and I had to deal with her on my own.  I am sooo much better for that.  It's doing a disservice to kids that are truly bullied to call every little thing bullying.  I could not agree more!

Op, please encourage your daughter to do other things, make friends with other people.  It is not the easiest thing to do, and she will resist.  Find another insular group that she can be part of, Girl Scouts, Rainbow Girls, Sports teams, something that will teach her the value of herself, rather than what others think of her.  Please don't go to the principal or administration.  Let the teacher know what's up, but nothing more.  No one can force these other girls to include or like her.  Even if they try to, it won't help your daughter, she will still feel like the outsider, they will let her know every way they can that they are including her "under duress".  Give your daughter the tools to fight it herself.  It's a better lesson for her.

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