Advice about what to tell my 9 year old about her Dad

[nicoal4]

My daughter is 9 but super mature, And I have always been up front and honest about things she ask me where do babies come from? What are gay people and why are they . Stuff like that I tell her as kid friendly as I can but tell the truth. She wants to know about her dad he is a flake calls here and there didn't send her a birthday present never has bought her anything for holidays, Well I am getting married soon to amazing man who not only works and allows me to be a shm he is a great dad involved loving taking an active role so I want us all to have the last name well she shares mine and her dads last name so she has 2 last names stupid I know I was 20 when I had her.Anyway she wants only to keep her real dads last name which really bothers me and she ask me questions about him but by being up front and honest it may seem like I am talking bad about him. He is immature and careless not responsible , had a HORRIBLE temper and has a sex offender charge on him from like 12 years ago which I did not know about when we met or had our daughter, Which all the above is why she is not aloud to go stay with him what should I say to all this I am really not sure. 

[Fields456]

Tell her the truth. But if she wants to keep his last name don't be mad about it. After all regardless of his status in her life that last name is apart of who she is

[SeanandNoahsmom]

I think you do have to be honest, but only answer what specific questions she asks. Try to keep it short. It may amaze you how much your daughter has already figured out for herself about her father. I would not be mad or upset about the last name, and don't force the issue. She has her reasons for wanting to keep that tie to her father; perhaps she feels that is all she has. She is old enough to decide. Good luck with whatever you do.

[wulfeyes05]

Let her keep her dad's last name, it's not really going to make a difference. She wants to hold onto that part of him. Be honest about how her dad is, kids are very observant and she will pick up on the fact that he's not very involved. My sister tells her daughter that she has two dads. One that helped make her and one that loves her and will always be there for her. No matter what she's always going to want her biological father to be part of her life even if he doesn't want to be part of hers. I was like her, I always wanted to know everything. I didn't meet my dad until his brother died. I was seven and confused because my mom had never even told me I had a dad. So you can see that my mom wasn't as honest with me as you are with your daughter. I wish she had been. Just explain things to your daughter like you do everything else.

[OHgirlinCA]

Put in a way like he has some issues he has to deal with and that is why he isn't around alot.  As she grows older, you can go more in depth as to what those issues are and she will understand the situation more the older she gets.  If she wants to keep his last name, just let her.  It's only a name and isn't indicative of how she feels about you or your new husband.  It's probably a way for her to feel some connection to her dad.

[momsawayyy]

let her know you want her to be apart of the new family with you, she might feel very left out one day when the front door sign says welcome to the smiths home and her last name is brown. but also dont force her to do it or she'll resent you for it. you should always be honest shes going to be hurt from it anyways wether you tell her now or later about how bad her dad is. but at least if you tell her now the healing can start and if yoou wait your going to have to be ready for the "why didnt you tell me" " you lied and kept him from me".. good luck

[momsawayyy]

for the last name if you were ok with it maybe,,,  your new married name - her fathers name

[JNLmomme09]

Honesty is always best... HOWEVER no matter what, and I know its hard, but you have to put a positive spin on her birthfather. Dont tell her the bad things. She is your little girl not your girlfriend, dont take her maturity for granted.  You shouldnt project your feelings about him on to her. ( I am not accusing you of doing so, I know how this looks).

She has to understand that she has never done anything wrong to be treated like this, and that in the long run he is doing a good thing by not being so involved, because he knows that she is getting everything that she needs from you and your fiance.

 

[hollydaze1974]

her identity is her name. My husband treats my son from a previous relationship as his own, but I never mentioned changing my son's name. It was hard enough to change MY name! Your daughter can change her name in her own time unless ex gives up his rights and your husband adopts her, it doesn't matter really. I wouldn't want to change my name at nine...again....it's her identity, she can change her mind at anytime. If she wants to keep her current name right now, you need to?let her. It sounds like she's going through enough changes at the moment.

[Maevelyn]

that sucks... she can change her name at any time. Maybe lose your mainden name and keep the name you share with her. When I talk to my kids I answer questions honestly and fill in information as they keep asking. She will eventually need to know about the charges against him but I'd try and leave that out as long as possible. If she asks to where you have to explain, tell her that he has committed a crime and although you want to tell her it's inapropriate. She should be curious. 

[bi-polarmommy]

tell her her bio-father did things that makes him not be able to be around her, and he doesn't know how to be a father, which is why he doesn't call often.  explain to her that people mature at different rates, and bio-dad still has alot of growing up he needs to do.  then explain to her that df loves her very much, and wants to be her dad, too, and then she will have two dads, and be verl lucky, because most little girls only have one.