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Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids

How to handle kids and cursing

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Two days ago I found out that I have two younger half brothers from my dad, whom I havn't seen or heard from since I was seven and my sister was born. One of the boys was fathered before my parents split, one after. I know, its confusing. Basically I have 17 and 9 year old half brothers and one 13 year old full sister, I have guardianship of my sister. Their home life is not good, its a small town so I know about their mom, and I went over to their house yesturday, theres no discipline, no direction, the moms drunk half the time, doesn't clean, lets the boys do whatever they want, and they are always into trouble. For the past two days, the nine year old, Kurt, has been at our house every moment that we are here and the 17 year old, Marc has been here part of the time. Kurt has a serious issue with cursing, he gets in trouble for it all the time at school, he curses a major swear word at least once every five minutes. We don't allow cursing in our house, we have a four year old, and while he knows not to curse, he shouldn't have to hear it all day. Marc is older, so he gets that and watches his language, but Kurt simply isn't getting it, that its not appropriate. He tries, its not like a disrespect thing, but hes just so used to cursing that he doesn't even think about it. They aren't my kids so I cant punish him or something, but what can I do to get him to watch his language.

by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 2:35 PM
Replies (41-44):
BaBeezandMe
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2012 at 10:28 PM


Quoting LucyHarper:


Quoting BaBeezandMe:


Quoting LucyHarper:

I just met this kid, I cant start putting him in corners when hes here voluntarily for something that hes done all of his life, at this point I think the best we can do for him is reason, make him realize why he needs to be careful, and keep reminding him so he starts to think about what words he uses, and he is making progress with this.

Quoting BaBeezandMe:


Quoting LucyHarper:

The 17 year old doesn't have a problem, he doesn't curse with the kids around, its only the 9 year old who has the problem and it really is not a disrespect thing, he honestly doesn't even notice hes doing it, he will say a curse word in a sentence, then we'll call him out, and he'll be like "what did I do?" and he'll think back and realize what he said and he'll instantly be remorseful. Hes been taught curses all his life, to his mom they are everyday words, same as cat or dog, its like if someone asked you to all of a sudden stop using a everyday word that you use all the time for your whole life, its hard. He is trying and thats what matters, hes making progress. He was told that they are wrong before at school, but truth is, he has no respect for his teacher or any teacher in the past so it hasn't made an impact, he hasn't had a reason to stop, now he is actually trying at least when the little kids are around.

Quoting BaBeezandMe:

OP - if they are 17 and 9 then they are old enough to respect YOUR rules.  We aren't talking about toddlers so I am gonna have to disagree with you that it isn't a disrespect thing.  It is because if you have told them you don't use language like that in your home and they are continually repeating the behavior, it's disrespect.  I really don't care about what language they hear ALL THE TIME at home....they AREN'T HOME when they are in YOUR home!  

RESPECT THE RULES OR GET TO STEPPING!!


if he is instantly remorseful then he KNOWS it's WRONG!!  Which tells me he knows the rules but isn't thinking about a consequence because there is none.  As I have read in several replies from you that you are under the impression you can't punish him because he isn't your kid.  He is in YOUR home so you can give a punishment.  I'm not talking about putting your hands on him but you can certainly put him in a time out chair, a corner, SOMETHING!!

The point here is if there is no consequence for his repeated behavior, how will he learn to NOT use this language in YOUR home???

Honestly I wouldn't tolerate it and he would learn right quick an in a hurry!!


so if you knew what to do all along, why ask for advice?

You keep saying he isn't your kid so you can't punish him...here is another idea for you.....

Send him home to his parent's who will put up with that language so you don't have to.

I am from a completely different world obviously.  If my kids have done something all their lives that was WRONG and they go to another person's house and it's not allowed there, they BETTER punish them for it and teach them that it is not tolerated in their home!  How else will they learn?

I don't care if you just met him, he is IN YOUR HOME and he needs to respect YOUR rules PERIOD THE END!!!!!!!  He is 9 not 3!

In one sentence you say he is trying and making progress and in the next one you say he has no respect for teachers.  I'm not sure I am following why you keep making excuses to not teach him that this language WILL NOT be tolerated UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!  If there is a consequence for his language, it will STOP!!!!

I posted this a week ago, we've been working on it since then, finding something that worked, and I'm still open to new ideas. Once again, I'm not sending him home, the last thing he needs is another adult passing him on to a home that wont teach him better whenever he acts up. He does respect our rules, but our rules are new, so hes not going to completely change his life style and make a total switch over night, its going to take time. We are teaching him that it wont be tolerated, I'm not "making excuses", I'm telling you how it is, how thats just not going to work. There are other ways to teach a child other then punishing them everytime they act up you know, especially when its something thats all new to them and they are still getting used to, when its a child who has had a life like he has. There is a consequence, our disappointment, and its something that he really feels, he hates making us unhappy. He is making progress, in our home with us, his school is another matter, its summer so its not something that can be worked out right now. Basically he listens to the people he respects, he doesn't like his teachers or respect them, so they cant control him, we will work to teaching him how to behave in school at a later time, right now we are working on whats going on at home and the basic issues, babysteps, we cant just walk in and turn everything he knows upside down.

So what you're saying is he doesn't respect you??

Oh that's unfortunate.  Then I guess you will just have to continue to deal with his disrespect until you teach him that there are rules everywhere you go in life and they MUST be followed or there is a consequence!

If you get a job and meet your boss for the first time, you still have to follow rules right??  Same thing applies here!  There are rules everywhere and you either follow them or you face the consequence.

I am SO GLAD my kids know this.

Best of luck to you!

LucyHarper
by on Jul. 25, 2012 at 10:32 PM


Quoting BaBeezandMe:


Quoting LucyHarper:


Quoting BaBeezandMe:


Quoting LucyHarper:

I just met this kid, I cant start putting him in corners when hes here voluntarily for something that hes done all of his life, at this point I think the best we can do for him is reason, make him realize why he needs to be careful, and keep reminding him so he starts to think about what words he uses, and he is making progress with this.

Quoting BaBeezandMe:


Quoting LucyHarper:

The 17 year old doesn't have a problem, he doesn't curse with the kids around, its only the 9 year old who has the problem and it really is not a disrespect thing, he honestly doesn't even notice hes doing it, he will say a curse word in a sentence, then we'll call him out, and he'll be like "what did I do?" and he'll think back and realize what he said and he'll instantly be remorseful. Hes been taught curses all his life, to his mom they are everyday words, same as cat or dog, its like if someone asked you to all of a sudden stop using a everyday word that you use all the time for your whole life, its hard. He is trying and thats what matters, hes making progress. He was told that they are wrong before at school, but truth is, he has no respect for his teacher or any teacher in the past so it hasn't made an impact, he hasn't had a reason to stop, now he is actually trying at least when the little kids are around.

Quoting BaBeezandMe:

OP - if they are 17 and 9 then they are old enough to respect YOUR rules.  We aren't talking about toddlers so I am gonna have to disagree with you that it isn't a disrespect thing.  It is because if you have told them you don't use language like that in your home and they are continually repeating the behavior, it's disrespect.  I really don't care about what language they hear ALL THE TIME at home....they AREN'T HOME when they are in YOUR home!  

RESPECT THE RULES OR GET TO STEPPING!!


if he is instantly remorseful then he KNOWS it's WRONG!!  Which tells me he knows the rules but isn't thinking about a consequence because there is none.  As I have read in several replies from you that you are under the impression you can't punish him because he isn't your kid.  He is in YOUR home so you can give a punishment.  I'm not talking about putting your hands on him but you can certainly put him in a time out chair, a corner, SOMETHING!!

The point here is if there is no consequence for his repeated behavior, how will he learn to NOT use this language in YOUR home???

Honestly I wouldn't tolerate it and he would learn right quick an in a hurry!!


so if you knew what to do all along, why ask for advice?

You keep saying he isn't your kid so you can't punish him...here is another idea for you.....

Send him home to his parent's who will put up with that language so you don't have to.

I am from a completely different world obviously.  If my kids have done something all their lives that was WRONG and they go to another person's house and it's not allowed there, they BETTER punish them for it and teach them that it is not tolerated in their home!  How else will they learn?

I don't care if you just met him, he is IN YOUR HOME and he needs to respect YOUR rules PERIOD THE END!!!!!!!  He is 9 not 3!

In one sentence you say he is trying and making progress and in the next one you say he has no respect for teachers.  I'm not sure I am following why you keep making excuses to not teach him that this language WILL NOT be tolerated UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!  If there is a consequence for his language, it will STOP!!!!

I posted this a week ago, we've been working on it since then, finding something that worked, and I'm still open to new ideas. Once again, I'm not sending him home, the last thing he needs is another adult passing him on to a home that wont teach him better whenever he acts up. He does respect our rules, but our rules are new, so hes not going to completely change his life style and make a total switch over night, its going to take time. We are teaching him that it wont be tolerated, I'm not "making excuses", I'm telling you how it is, how thats just not going to work. There are other ways to teach a child other then punishing them everytime they act up you know, especially when its something thats all new to them and they are still getting used to, when its a child who has had a life like he has. There is a consequence, our disappointment, and its something that he really feels, he hates making us unhappy. He is making progress, in our home with us, his school is another matter, its summer so its not something that can be worked out right now. Basically he listens to the people he respects, he doesn't like his teachers or respect them, so they cant control him, we will work to teaching him how to behave in school at a later time, right now we are working on whats going on at home and the basic issues, babysteps, we cant just walk in and turn everything he knows upside down.

So what you're saying is he doesn't respect you??

Oh that's unfortunate.  Then I guess you will just have to continue to deal with his disrespect until you teach him that there are rules everywhere you go in life and they MUST be followed or there is a consequence!

If you get a job and meet your boss for the first time, you still have to follow rules right??  Same thing applies here!  There are rules everywhere and you either follow them or you face the consequence.

I am SO GLAD my kids know this.

Best of luck to you!

Yes, he does respect me, as I've said a million times, perhaps you need to work on your reading, and he is listening, he simply isn't going to be perfect right away, hes getting better and better everyday about it, he simply needs time to learn and to practice. You think you can do so much better at something you've never done? Thats rather full of yourself. Your kids have grown up under your roof, taught these things from day one, he hasn't, lets give you a nine year old knows grown up living something completely different then have you come in as the law enforcer and see how that goes.

Jinx-Troublex3
by Platinum Member on Jul. 26, 2012 at 12:17 AM
ROFL...I've been in this situation more than you know...with foster kids, doing respite work, running scout troops where parents send their kids because they need help with their kids...ohhh...yeah..BTDT.

If the boy were 5~6 yo I would totally be with you on the love and support, teaching route. You did say it yourself that he COULD do it if he respected you.

What you aren't seeing are the other tools at your disposal that could solve it in half the time. We arent not saying beat the child, however there needs to be some consequence other than," Oh sweetie,we don't do that" and you will see results so much faster.

Its also true that most kids want and NEED. Structure. Structure means stability and they learn they can count on you more than someone that kisses their ass. I've seen this time and again when I have "problem kids" come into my home or troop and they are GREAT KIDS...for ME...I set the expectation, hold them to it, and they thrive.
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LucyHarper
by on Jul. 26, 2012 at 12:29 AM

You obviously just aren't getting what I'm saying and you're making a heck of a lot of assumptions, so I'm not arguing this with you as its just not going to come to a result that will help the boys if you aren't willing to listen.

Quoting Jinx-Troublex3:

ROFL...I've been in this situation more than you know...with foster kids, doing respite work, running scout troops where parents send their kids because they need help with their kids...ohhh...yeah..BTDT.

If the boy were 5~6 yo I would totally be with you on the love and support, teaching route. You did say it yourself that he COULD do it if he respected you.

What you aren't seeing are the other tools at your disposal that could solve it in half the time. We arent not saying beat the child, however there needs to be some consequence other than," Oh sweetie,we don't do that" and you will see results so much faster.

Its also true that most kids want and NEED. Structure. Structure means stability and they learn they can count on you more than someone that kisses their ass. I've seen this time and again when I have "problem kids" come into my home or troop and they are GREAT KIDS...for ME...I set the expectation, hold them to it, and they thrive.


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