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Need advice..7 year old daughter

Posted by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:25 PM
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Hi, I just joined and said I would be posting for advice about my daughter. Well here it goes:  My daughter was born in August of 2005, when I was amost 19 years old.  She was my everything, and still is.  Trouble is.. I have 2 other daughters and a son on the way, and since I've had other kids, I kind of feel like maybe I pushed Harley (my oldest) to grow up a little fast.   I miss time I used to get to spend with her, and want to do that now, I really just don't know how to relate to her very well.  She is just like I was when I was little... very mouthy and I'm sometimes at a loss for words as to what to say or do about her back talk and rude comments.  She makes comments such as "you don't care about me, you never did!"  Not yelling, or crying, but with an attitude..  rolling the eyes, swinging the head from side to side and the whole thing.  It really makes me feel like a tiny piece of ant poop because I have feeling of guilt over not spending as much quality time with each of my kids since the others came along.  It kills me everytime because I know part of her MAY feel that way.  Because I feel like there is a distance between us and I do not know what to do.  I  don't want it to get to where she feels she cant tell me anything and takes off in a direction I really don't want her to wind up going in when she's older, but I just don't know what to do now.  I always swore I would never be this type of parent who has a hard time "getting" my kid and lets things go to far, but I'm afraid I may have let too much space between us.   Does anyone have any advice?  

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:25 PM
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by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:29 PM
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You need to have some individual time with her and also do some behavior correction/discipline.

I implemented the following for my kids just recently (and so far so good):

If they say something rude or is considered back talk, I give them 1 chance to correct themselves.  If not, they go to bed 10 minutes early for each time.  I get them to say something positive or stop altogether pretty well.

If I see them do something above and beyond that is positive or, in general, they are positive, I give them a sticker.  After so many stickers they get to do things.  They also get to pick a mommy/me day.  I do make sure that I rotate who I listen to read at night.  My husband and I rotate so that we can make sure we give each girl some one-on-one time. 

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:11 PM
What are the ages of ur other kids and when are u due?
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by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 10:43 AM
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Do you get to spend some one on one time with your daughter? If not, you should try to find some time. Even if it's to bake cookies or something similar. Let her know that she is special to you. 

When she speaks to you like that tell her that she is special and she means a lot but her words are hurtful and she should use better words/attitude with you.

Good luck mama.

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by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 3:31 PM

Just wanted to sympathize...I only have one other kid but I feel sometimes I don't know how to connect with my 6yo either :( Looking forward to reading comments!

by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 7:50 PM
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First of all, give up the guilt. It doesn't matter if you think she's somewhat right. It isn't her right to talk to you like that, period. It isn't her right to dictate how you parent her.

Instead, you should work on teaching her, and working with her, to share her feelings without blaming you (or others).

Perhaps you feel guilty because you see other moms with lots of children and think they are handling it better than you. Maybe you see other kids who seem to be more loving or better behaved and assume you did something wrong.

Whatever it is, let it go. You did what you could, what you had to do, and it doesn't matter if it was perfect or not. All you can do now is continue to love her and PARENT HER. I mean, you've obviously done a lot of growing up since her birth.

Guess what?

You'll probably look back when she's 18 and think that even now, you didn't know what you were doing.

None of us really know what we're doing. We're just doing what we can. And our kids need to understand that life is not fair, their life will be nothing like the lives of their friends, and they do not get to dictate the terms under which we operate as parents.

Sure, open communication helps, but she's still only 7. She needs to know that you are in control, that you get respect simply because you are her mother, and that you love her. Other than that, you can probably do almost anything and at the end of her life, it just isn't going to matter... I mean, isn't that how all of us learn to adapt to growing up?

Claire Wait

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by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 12:34 PM

 I agree with the others about having some time alone with her and about correcting the behavior with consistent discipline and positive reinforcement as well.

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by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 12:33 AM

I have her, a 5 year old daughter, a one year old daughter, and I am due in March.  Thanks everyone for the advice. We are starting family counseling this Thursday so hopefully that will help also.

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