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Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids
My daughter is almost seven and has just begun to throw tantrums. Once she starts, its like nothing i say matters. Example... We were at school and at lunch she want led to come with me i said ok, then she said no i wanna stay here. Np i started to leave and shes running around the parking lot crying and screaming cause she wants to stay/ she wants to go. I tell her she doesnt hav a choice and pick her up and try to put her in the car she kicks me and runs from me. The tantrums can last a few hours. I just dont know what to do. Shes a good kids, very smart and excells in academics. I do tell her when it starts to think ablout it and she knows shell lose her tv time and reading lamp but in the moment its like she cant hear me. Please help any advice or comments please please. I feel like ive really failed her because idk how to handle this. Help me.
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by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:14 AM
Replies (11-19):
mamavalor
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:27 AM

Try giving her a 5 minute "heads-up" kind of thing.  It works for my kids.  It gives them a chance to conclude what they are doing instead of an abrupt ending to their activity or whatever they were doing when you called them.

Ignore their tantrums and when they have calmed down then talk to them.  If they ask you during their tantrum to do something or to say something just say once or twice (in a firm voice) that you will talk to them when they have calmed down and they can talk in a normal voice.

stykir
by Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:49 AM

my son is 6 and every 6 months or so he goes through a tantrum phase (i personally think it coincides with his growth patterns, needing more sleep, just general growing pains etc, but there's nothing medically that says that. just mommy instinct) we just try to be very firm with him. if he wants to be a grump, he can go to his room and stay. he has done the same as your daughter, just completely disagrees with every word out of my mouth JUST to be disagreeable. when he gets whiny i tell him i won't help him until he talks to me like a 6 year old, not a 2 year old. it takes some fighting sometimes and some things i just let them go.  i'll try to plan something for him and i to do by ourselves. he seems to need just us time when he's like that so that i can focus just on him and have a good time together. and i do spank, so once his behavior seems to have stalled and he's kind of a monster all the time, that's the one thing that snaps him back to himself. but that part is your choice. for him, after one good spanking, we'll talk about his behavior and he seems to calm down and the tantrums are over for a while again.

ok i feel like i rambled but this is what we're going through right now so i'm kind of trying to talk myself through it as well! lol.
Main points: Be firm, stick to punishments, and make sure to give extra hugs and encouragement when you DO catch her using good behavior. and just ride it out i guess!

oh! and with both my kids i have always done a countdown. instead of counting to 3 i have just always counted back from 5 and by the time i get to 1 they better be doing what they're supposed to. that sometimes helps him at least know that i'm serious and he needs to stop ... but when he's upset it doesn't necessarily always change his behavior.

stykir
by Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:57 AM

i made another comment to share what i'm going through, but my son is a lot better with my husband as well. dad has to get on board and be on your side. let him know you're struggling. it's hard cause mom is the one who usually does more with the kids so it's easier to get on each others' nerves i think. my husband always says he has no problems when i leave the 2 of them together, even if i've had a hard day with him. but i have let my husband know that the respect has just gone out the window lately and now he's stepping in and letting my son know that it's not just me saying his behavior isn't acceptable, he agrees. and that REALLY helps, knowing that we're both on the same team. even if it doesn't make him stop immediately, it helps my sanity lol! 

if dad's around during some tantrums, he needs to let her know that you're right and she is out of line. work together!! sometimes the kids will want one parent to "save" them from the other parent. None of that around here! If one of us punishes, it stands.

Quoting yogima:

Thank u . The parking lot is a private school so there were no moving cars. I normaly hav not spanked her because she hasnt given me reason. Last week during one i pulled her in another room and did, it did not seem to phase her.
Im glad to hear shes not the only one but sad u hav to go thro it as well. If i try and talk to her after it jus keeps it going. Its jus so upsetting. I was in tears last week, i feel like no consequence is big enough to really shake her. She doesnt ever say no to her dad and hes seen the tantrums but they always start w me and i feel like thetes something im missing.


STVUstudent
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:59 AM

LOL... I LOVE this.  I have left stores.  We may have no milk in the house, but as far as I am concerned, we don't NEED anything I was there to buy (at that exact moment).  If YOU don't have a glass of milk before bed, it is because I was unable to shop because of YOUR tantrum.

I tell my 5 year olds that they are too old to be acting this way.  I have gotten into the van, but usually, as soon as I crank the engine, they are crying and scrambling in as quickly as they can.

I was picking up from aftercare and one of the three did not want to get in the van (to busy playing).  So I told the monitor that I was leaving, M did not want to go, and my spouse would pick him up before closing.  And I headed for the parking lot, without a backward glance.  He beat me to the van, sobbing that I not leave him.  I told him- I am too old to play like this. 

Quoting mom2jessnky:

I ignore tantrums. I don't even give them the time of day. You want to scream and look like a lunatic? No problem, I'll play WELDER on my phone until you're done. Let her roll around in the parking lot, screaming, she's the one that looks crazy not you. When she calms down you ask 'You done?' and then follow through with what you were doing.

If you need to take her out early, don't make it an option, "we're leaving, let's go"  if she says NO, go "Oh sweetie, this isn't multiple choice, get in the car"  If she wants to scream and fuss, ignore it. Once she sees it's not working she'll stop. Kids have tantrums because they work, when they don't work, they stop.

My kids never have tantrums any more, it was made clear (by me) that they don't get you anywhere so it's really just a waste of time. They pout, that's fine, but screaming and carrying on? Nope.  Oh you don't want to go to the store? I don't either but we need milk.


gracie0221
by Gracie on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:00 PM

my dd went through that phase from 2-4 years old. Now that she's older, so knows I don't mess around. when she throws a fit, she can go somewhere else and do it. She doesn't throw fits anymore, but there are times she gets fussy when it something doesn't go her way. I just threaten her in her ear that I'm going to take certain toys away, but I do it very firmly, if that doesn't work I still do the countdown 1..2..3..lol. I usually only have to get to two. good luck. 

t_creanskisa
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:58 PM

my dd can go on for hours.. at this point in time she has no toys, cant go play with her friends, no tv, no computer, no coloring, no reading  lol you get the idea. she has no extras. spanking does nothing but make her scream more.  at this point all i can do is wait it out

MommyLo
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 3:38 PM
Mine does this..and I live with my mother, so every single time the kid throws a fit and I try to deal with it with time outs and taking away priveledges the grandma jumps in "you're abusing her! You're such a bitch! You're such a horrible mom! Just leave her alone!" Because everyone knows that denying your kid dessert if they haven't even touched their dinner is abuse. Smh. Oh and so is putting your kid to bed on time for school when she doesn't want to go to sleep. How horrible.

Feel lucky you don't have your mother on your back.

I don't spank. But my mom, the same one telling me I'm abusive for not giving my kid what she wants when she wants it, used to spank us and even chase us around with wooden spoons and stuff. And you bet your booty I NEVER got away with the crap my kid gets away with because her grandma comes "to the rescue". I would have NEVER been allowed to eat only sour cream for dinner and then get snacks and dessert, but as soon as I turn around she's giving snacks and dessert to my kid who only ate sour cream and Parmesan cheese for dinner.
JoanahLee
by Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 3:47 PM

My suggestion is not not even try to reason, use logic, beg, bribe or otherwise communicate with a child throwing a tantrum.  That is for later. 

Give one clear, firm instruction and don't introduce anything new until that instruction has been met with compliance.  If you have an established consequence for tantrums give ONE reminder that XYZ will happen if you do not stop this behavior right now. 

For example, when Im with a child who starts throwing a fit I will sit him or her down (or block them in a corner if they are trying to run and refusing to sit). I say very clearly "You may not throw fits. Sit here until you are quiet."  And then we wait.  I do everything in my power to act like I could care less about their behavior.  Smile at passers-by, file your nails, pretend to read a book (but don't take your attention off the kid for a second....use those eyes in the back of your head!).  

Once they are quiet, give them one more instruction.  "Thank you for being quiet. Stand up, go get in the car and put your seat belt on."  

Once they have complied with whatever task set off the tantrum in the first place say I say something like "I'm sorry you made the choice to throw a tantrum and loose all your tv time for the week, is there a better way you could handle that next time?" 

As embarrassing as it is, once they hit that point of no return, there is nothing you can say or do or threaten or beat them with that will cause their brains to start working again.  Let them scream it out, and face their own consequences.   You will look stronger and more in control if you do not loose your temper, and issue a firm and controlled follow up when the tantrum is over than if you try to battle it out with them and loose your head too. 


yogima
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 1:10 PM
Thank you everyone. Its great to hear different ideas of how to handle this. I decided to quit my job and stay home. I think it will help me get things done at home and have more time with her. The tantrums are becoming more frequent.
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