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Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids

I love my 7 year old son. He's a happy boy but he's also clingy.

I don't like that. I want to teach my son to be independent and not so clingy. Only because I don't want him growing up to be like me, I'm very clingy and that use to cause problems for the guys who I was with. I like that he wants to hug and kiss me alot. I don't see anything wrong with that, but it just seems like he has to be up my butt alot of the times.

I just want to try to find a happy medium. I want to teach him that it's ok to be affectionate without smothering a person.

I don't want him to have difficulty in a relationship when he grows up because he is clingy.

Is this wrong of me to feel this way?

How can I teach him to not be so clingy?

I also want to teach him that it's ok to be alone. I know adults who don't like being alone and I don't think that it's healthy.

Am I wrong?

Like he doesn't like to watch tv alone (not something that he does all of the time either) I try to even it so that he has some alone time but I also make sure that he gets quality time with me.

Which is sometimes hard because of his baby brother who I have to take care of alot. And my son's schedule, he goes to school, then cub scouts on tuesdays and gymnastics on wednesdays and then bowling on saturdays.

I use to take him until I had my younger son, now I don't because I am taking care of my younger son.

I just want to teach him that it's ok to be alone because I don't want him having problems in his adult life.

I look at it as tough love. Isn't that my job to teach him that?

Just want to know if this is wrong of me to feel this way or it's ok to feel this way.

And to get advice to teach him how to be affectionate without smothering a person.

Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers

by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 2:37 PM
Replies (11-20):
jazzgirl205
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 4:25 PM
1 mom liked this

Treasure these moments.

Quoting vinalex0581:

and that's the problem that i have.

i am really apprehensive that he's going to feel like i'm pushing him away and i don't want him to feel that way.

his father isn't the type that shows affection compared to me, my mom and my grandmother.

my son likes to watch the disney channel so instead of setting a timer i could probably just time it by the shows that he watches because they are 30 minutes per show.

i do try to show him love. i tell him i love him as much as i can.

but the cute thing is alex will have a friend over and they will get ready to go outside and right before alex walks out the door, he'll tell me that he loves me and no matter how busy i am, i always make sure that i stop what i'm doing and tell him i love him.

Quoting jazzgirl205:

I can tell by your other posts that you are a good parent - you give a damn.  He just wants to know you love him.  Getting him involved in things with others boys is a good start.  Try getting a kitchen timer and setting it for 30 min.  Tell him it is his alone time to do anything he wants - color, draw, read, sleep, play games, make up stories, etc...  Afterwards, get together with him, give him luvin' and discuss what he did by himself.  After a few times, peek to see if he's really into something, and move the timer to give him more time.

Your instincts are right.  Children do need to learn what to do with themselves.  Boredom is the harbinger of creativity.  You just have to do it in such a way that he doesn't think you're pushing him away. 



vinalex0581
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 4:27 PM

and i don't want to take that away from him because i don't want it to cause him any issues for him in the future.

Quoting saltlifemama:

I think you need to let him grow emotionally at his own rate. I highly doubt he will be still holding your hand when he hits jr high. Or anyone else either. It sounds like he is a little insecure. He needs your attention and approval. If you take that away from him as he is still so young it will only cause issues in the future. Some children are more needy then others. 


Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers

vinalex0581
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 4:29 PM

how do you know it will pass?

maybe it's not a phase?

isn't this a time where you have to teach him to be independent and not be so clingy?

i think, as a mom, it's our job to prepare them for the real world and how are we going to do that if we allow them to be clingy?

Quoting aetrom:

My 7 year old has been extra clingy lately. I try to remind myself that it will pass and probably quicker than I want!


Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers

Karen_S
by Bronze Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 8:48 PM
2 moms liked this

He'll probably need to learn to drive in the real world too...are you going to start driving lessons tomorrow?  There is a time and a place for all learning.  7 is still little.  

My DD (almost 6) loves physical affection.  I don't try to make her stop being affectionate, or toughen her up, but I do set limits so that I can get on with my daily life. So, for example, when I'm cooking dinner I need to be able to move around to get the job done. So I'll stop for a quick hug, but then I'll explain that I need space for my body so that I can cook (i.e. she can't hang on me).

Then I make sure there is time each day for some big cuddles - like reading books together before bedtime and before school in the morning. I agree with one of the PP that said that it's like filling up a cup...if a child needs affection, the more you push them away the more they will cling harder. But if they know they can reliably get lots of love from you, the will be less likely to demand it constantly as they get older.  And IMHO people that didn't get much love as kids are the ones that grow up hungry and needy for it. 

So if I were you, I'd give up on the toughening up routine, give him as much love and hugs as you can without getting in the way of all the other things you have to get done in a day, and trust that he'll grow up a secure young man in due time.  I bet if you re-read this post when he's 13 and he stomps into his room and slams his door on you every day after school, you'll laugh! 

Quoting vinalex0581:

and isn't my job, as his mom, to prepare him for the real world?

how do i prepare him for the real world if i don't teach him not to be clingy?

Roo1234
by Bronze Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 9:12 PM
2 moms liked this
Clingyness is born from insecurity. The harder you push him away (no matter what your intentions) the more he is going to plaster himself to you. His actions are screaming that he needs something from thou.
Maybe you should try indulging him for awhile. Give him permission to ask for hugs without any response other than "of course"followed by an affectionate, loving hug. Focus on him when he talks to you. Try to not divide your attention when you ase with him.
He isn't going to become more independent unless he feels safe and secure in the knowledge that you will be there for him.

Odds are good that he will demand less of you when he feels like his needs are met.
vinalex0581
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 10:39 PM
1 mom liked this

good point.

Quoting Roo1234:

Clingyness is born from insecurity. The harder you push him away (no matter what your intentions) the more he is going to plaster himself to you. His actions are screaming that he needs something from thou.
Maybe you should try indulging him for awhile. Give him permission to ask for hugs without any response other than "of course"followed by an affectionate, loving hug. Focus on him when he talks to you. Try to not divide your attention when you ase with him.
He isn't going to become more independent unless he feels safe and secure in the knowledge that you will be there for him.

Odds are good that he will demand less of you when he feels like his needs are met.


Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers

vinalex0581
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 10:44 PM

my SO is an excellent example.  His parents remarried.

so between his stepfather, stepmother, father and mother he got no love at all. you'd think between the 4 of them, one of them would give him love.

my SO is the exact reason why I created this post. because i don't want my son to have to be hungry for love, like my SO was. he was in a loveless relationship for 10 years and then he left his wife because he knew that i was the one who could give and show him love. 

Quoting Karen_S:

He'll probably need to learn to drive in the real world too...are you going to start driving lessons tomorrow?  There is a time and a place for all learning.  7 is still little.  

My DD (almost 6) loves physical affection.  I don't try to make her stop being affectionate, or toughen her up, but I do set limits so that I can get on with my daily life. So, for example, when I'm cooking dinner I need to be able to move around to get the job done. So I'll stop for a quick hug, but then I'll explain that I need space for my body so that I can cook (i.e. she can't hang on me).

Then I make sure there is time each day for some big cuddles - like reading books together before bedtime and before school in the morning. I agree with one of the PP that said that it's like filling up a cup...if a child needs affection, the more you push them away the more they will cling harder. But if they know they can reliably get lots of love from you, the will be less likely to demand it constantly as they get older.  And IMHO people that didn't get much love as kids are the ones that grow up hungry and needy for it. 

So if I were you, I'd give up on the toughening up routine, give him as much love and hugs as you can without getting in the way of all the other things you have to get done in a day, and trust that he'll grow up a secure young man in due time.  I bet if you re-read this post when he's 13 and he stomps into his room and slams his door on you every day after school, you'll laugh! 

Quoting vinalex0581:

and isn't my job, as his mom, to prepare him for the real world?

how do i prepare him for the real world if i don't teach him not to be clingy?


Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers

aimhawk
by Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 10:59 PM
1 mom liked this

So nurse baby right before you leave to go to an activity for your older son, then you should have anywhere from an hour to 4 hours. I've been nursing for almost a year, but that would never keep me from going to things DD does. It sounds to me like he is just needing more attention and reassurance since there is a new baby taking most of your time.

aetrom
by Gold Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 12:30 AM
1 mom liked this
I assume it is a phase because he is not usually like this though he is more needy than my other son and because rarely do you see teenagers hanging on their mom hugging and kissing and saying they love me tons. :) we have had conversations regarding space and friends. But if he needs extra love I want him to look for me not for his friends anyway!


Quoting vinalex0581:

how do you know it will pass?

maybe it's not a phase?

isn't this a time where you have to teach him to be independent and not be so clingy?

i think, as a mom, it's our job to prepare them for the real world and how are we going to do that if we allow them to be clingy?

Quoting aetrom:

My 7 year old has been extra clingy lately. I try to remind myself that it will pass and probably quicker than I want!



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la_bella_vita
by Bella on Jan. 16, 2013 at 12:56 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting Jinx-Troublex3:

7 is a little young to worry about him having a lifelong clingyness. He still needs Mommy and using the excuse of a new baby taking your time is only going to make the issue worse, not better.

Is the new baby sick or have another issue that makes it so you can't take him bowling or other places?

 I agree

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