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Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids

Lieing kid, grandma is mad that we discipline rather than spoil.

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:55 AM
  • 32 Replies

This is kind of long, but I am pretty lit up today.  Please offer advice. 

Today I had a meeting with my son's teacher, and some administration to talk about bullying that I get stories of quite often. Come to find out during the meeting my son is making a lot of it up, and he is the one making kids cry or acting up. Lieing is NOT okay in any situation so we grounded him firmly and asked if he thought he needed to go to military school to straighten up. This was a threat, I don't think I could really do it unless I was desperate.

My mom is in town and is quick to spoil my kids, so it's hard to discipline when she turns around and gets them whatever they want. He was in trouble for lieing yesterday and she took him to the store because she was going to "get some medicine" and came home with cookies, donuts, toys, valentines stuff, etc. My husband spoke up and said that he couldn't have it because he was in trouble and she just put it away until this morning. This is only counteracting the disciplining that we are trying to do, and naturally he runs to grandma every time he gets in trouble becaus he knows she will give him whatever he wants - yet he learns nothing.

The problem is that my mom is trying to override what I say as a parent, and has even been screaming at me when ran to her throwing a fit because I told him to do his homework, not knowing that she had heated him up some food. She screamed at me with the meanest face "WHY CAN'T HE EAT??" Excuse me, I asked why he was crying and he didn't tell me, so I was chasing him down the stairs (I had been in bed all day with the flu, so this was big) My mom was also in the meeting today so she knew about everything being lies, but she still wanted to baby him. This is still not okay with me as she lied to me my whole childhood (when she was even around) and my brother is 33 years old, still living in her house for free, and has not had a job in I don't know how long. I do not want my kids to end up like that. It's almost like she didn't have a part in her own kids' lives so she is trying to make up for it with my kids.

The next issue is that when we asked if he thought he should go to military school she twisted our words into us giving our kid away, and started throwing a huge fit and started yelling at my husband who fired back at her saying that she spoils him, which only softens him. I agree with my husband 100% but didn't say anything other than "stop" because I know that my mom can't handle the truth and is known to throw the worst fits. For example, we went to Disneyland for Christmas and got split up momentarily in a crowd and because nobody had service on their phones it was somehow all of our faults that she didn't follow us and she was told where we were going.  She didn't talk to us for the rest of the trip and flew home early, even though I had my dad call her to find out where she was when we stopped. (DRAMA QUEEN!)

Again tonight she packed up her stuff and went to a hotel, she's not supposed to leave for 3 more days and at this point I don't even care that she left because her screaming, and trying to control everybody else's lives has been something I've dealt with my whole life. When she was leaving she whispered to my kids that she was leaving because of us and my husband had to do damage control when I left to take her to her hotel. This is ALSO not okay! When I dropped her off she said something along the lines of "don't do this" like it was my fault. I didn't do anything but call my son out for lieing and ground him.  She started the fit, she booked a hotel and packed her stuff, not me - I didn't say anything other than "you need to stop or i'll call a taxi" when she came into my room yelling at me and asked for a ride.   I get hurt every time she acts like this and i'm sure the brainwashing of my kids hurts them too. My dd used to have issues with lieing as well and she got grounded enough times that she got sick of it and stopped, so apparently we know how to handle the situation just fine without somebody else jumping in

This is only skimming the surface of everything she has put all of us through.  Should I cut her out of our lives? It seems to do more damage that good most times to have her in our lives. I did make sure she knew that they were MY kids, and I didn't want them to end up like my brother, homeless, jobless, on drugs, stealing, etc. but she doesn't care what I say. 

by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:55 AM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Gold Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 2:22 AM
2 moms liked this

I would limit the visits much more right now.   What are the ages of your children?  I would not use any threats to control their behavior because they know you will never follow through with military school threat.   Firm consequences each time they break a house rule and lying is a big one as well as going after other students in a negative way.  I am lucky that my parents support our rules and consequences when they are around us.

GotSomeKids
by Bronze Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 2:33 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree.  It sounds as if you guys need a time out.  Just out of curiosity.  Why was your mother sitting in on the meeting.  If you don't like they way she acts, don't you think that was inviting trouble?

Anyhow, I would sit down with hubby and the kids (hubby first and then as a family).  Discuss family rules and then set limits.  Let the kids know they have to abide by them and anyone in the house has too (including grandma).  Then, I would have a seperate talk with mom and let her know what is and isn't acceptable in your home.  If she tries to blame you, let her.  Accept it for what it is, but know your doing what is best for your kids.  You know what your doing is right.  Take everything else with a grain of salt.

Morrigan333
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 3:20 AM

I'd simply state to her: These are MY kids..I'll raise them without any "help" from you please.. If you cannotabide by my wishes and the way I run my household..you are NOT welcome to comehere, you may video chat with the kidds or use regular mail for contact with them. If you abuse THAT, then you will have NO contact at ALL>

MsLogansMommy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 3:41 AM

It honestly sounds like you are part of the problem a little bit (I don't mean this to sound judgemental or snarky) and by that I mean that you have given mixed signals to your mom and offered her too much access to your familys (meaning your husband and kids) information, for one by allowing her to sit in on the meeting and secondly for allowing your son to go to the store with him after you had already given him a consequence for his behavior. I am guilty of this myself my situation is a little different from yours Im a single mom so I originally encouraged my mom and dad to be involved in the raising of my daughter until I realized they were doing more harm than good and that I actually was capable of doing it on my own at that point I spoke to them at a time when we werent in the middle of a fight over discipline and I explained to them how grateful I was for all their help but basically I can take it from here. I think if you talk to your mom in private at a time when you are both able to openly communicate your needs let her know that you know she loves your kids and you know her intentions are coming from the right place but you and your husband have rules you have agreed on for the children and that it isnt up for debate tell her you want her to enjoy being a grandma and that she doesnt need to worry about the responsibilites of being a parent anymore its time to enjoy being the grandma. I think you need to firmly set a boundary and establish for her the role you will allow her to play in your kids life and the way to do that is to not allow her to sit in on school meetings and when the children are being disciplined explain to her what they can and cannot have but you dont need to explain to her your reasons its not her business if she tries to argue that she feels a punishment is unfair do not engage simply say well I can appreciate your opinion and thanks for sharing but the punishment is simply not something you need to be involved in and just keep going back to the old "mom enjoy being a grandma you dont need to worry about parenting now that is our job you get to be the grandma"

It is always easier to let go of anger when you look at the intention behind the act rather than the act itself. I think your mother simply doesnt know any other way to interact with your kids or you for that matter. She was probably treated by her parents the way she is treating you and it just means she doesnt know any other way but its obvious she loves your kids so cutting her completely out of your life would be a mistake in my opinion. Your mom sounds a lot like my mom and I have a ton of childhood resentment and things I know they could have done better but its in the past and some things you just gotta let go

MamaCourtney617
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:09 PM

 She lives 1300 miles away, she is in town visiting and before we knew everything was lies we honestly thought that he was being seriously bullied and she was on my side.  When the tables were turned she still wanted to baby him and said he just didn't understand..but he does because he can behave he just choses the wrong actions.  Hubby was at school when we went to the meeting so I didn't have time to sit down with him alone, he got home and I asked DS to tell him what happened and tell him all the truths.  The kids know very well they have rules, but ds thinks when grandma is here he can act however he wants and run to her because he will still get his way.  I kept having to be the bad guy and pulling him away from her because I wasn't having it anymore.


Quoting GotSomeKids:

I agree.  It sounds as if you guys need a time out.  Just out of curiosity.  Why was your mother sitting in on the meeting.  If you don't like they way she acts, don't you think that was inviting trouble?

Anyhow, I would sit down with hubby and the kids (hubby first and then as a family).  Discuss family rules and then set limits.  Let the kids know they have to abide by them and anyone in the house has too (including grandma).  Then, I would have a seperate talk with mom and let her know what is and isn't acceptable in your home.  If she tries to blame you, let her.  Accept it for what it is, but know your doing what is best for your kids.  You know what your doing is right.  Take everything else with a grain of salt.


 

MamaCourtney617
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:26 PM

 How do I allow too much access when she was in town for a week and the initial problem was supposedly him being bullied?  She was staying in our home and had heard the stories we were being fed and talked to him listening to his fabricated lies. We initially went there to help him, but the tables were turned tremendously by us finding out it was all made up for a pitty party, so the punishment was something that had to come without warning.    I didn't allow my son to go to the store.. she was going to get me some flu medicine and just took him.. and this was the day BEFORE we went to the school. 

My mom was out of control when she was young and my grandparents were strict so my mom would go stay with other people.  My mom was also never around when I was growing up, she traveled for work and I was raised by my stepdad..it seems to me like she missed out on her chance to raise her own kids and is trying to take over mine.  That's the intention I get.. along with talking down to my kids about their parents I wouldn't give her any kind of credit for good intentions.  She's always been a liar and thrown fits if she didn't get her way.  Like I said this is only one of the many fits she's thrown and blames everybody else for her actions.  She went years without talking to anybody in our very large family because somebody said something about her tantrums and others agreed.  It's been an on-going problem and I keep letting her back in with hopes that she will stop.. but it never changes.


Quoting MsLogansMommy:

It honestly sounds like you are part of the problem a little bit (I don't mean this to sound judgemental or snarky) and by that I mean that you have given mixed signals to your mom and offered her too much access to your familys (meaning your husband and kids) information, for one by allowing her to sit in on the meeting and secondly for allowing your son to go to the store with him after you had already given him a consequence for his behavior. I am guilty of this myself my situation is a little different from yours Im a single mom so I originally encouraged my mom and dad to be involved in the raising of my daughter until I realized they were doing more harm than good and that I actually was capable of doing it on my own at that point I spoke to them at a time when we werent in the middle of a fight over discipline and I explained to them how grateful I was for all their help but basically I can take it from here. I think if you talk to your mom in private at a time when you are both able to openly communicate your needs let her know that you know she loves your kids and you know her intentions are coming from the right place but you and your husband have rules you have agreed on for the children and that it isnt up for debate tell her you want her to enjoy being a grandma and that she doesnt need to worry about the responsibilites of being a parent anymore its time to enjoy being the grandma. I think you need to firmly set a boundary and establish for her the role you will allow her to play in your kids life and the way to do that is to not allow her to sit in on school meetings and when the children are being disciplined explain to her what they can and cannot have but you dont need to explain to her your reasons its not her business if she tries to argue that she feels a punishment is unfair do not engage simply say well I can appreciate your opinion and thanks for sharing but the punishment is simply not something you need to be involved in and just keep going back to the old "mom enjoy being a grandma you dont need to worry about parenting now that is our job you get to be the grandma"

It is always easier to let go of anger when you look at the intention behind the act rather than the act itself. I think your mother simply doesnt know any other way to interact with your kids or you for that matter. She was probably treated by her parents the way she is treating you and it just means she doesnt know any other way but its obvious she loves your kids so cutting her completely out of your life would be a mistake in my opinion. Your mom sounds a lot like my mom and I have a ton of childhood resentment and things I know they could have done better but its in the past and some things you just gotta let go


 

MsLogansMommy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:49 PM

 

it sounds like she has alot of growing up to do sorry that she puts the kids in the middle of it all its so hard for children to understand I hope you are able to find a resolution I can certainly empathize with your situation my mother displays many of the same characteristics like if I tell my dd "no" my mom will say "I would but your mom said no" wth? that is so confusing to kids my mom has gotten better but it has taken a lot of explaining to her why it is wrong she had to get to a place where she was even open to listening. Do what you feel is in the best interest of you children good luck family issues are alway difficult

Quoting MamaCourtney617:

 How do I allow too much access when she was in town for a week and the initial problem was supposedly him being bullied?  She was staying in our home and had heard the stories we were being fed and talked to him listening to his fabricated lies. We initially went there to help him, but the tables were turned tremendously by us finding out it was all made up for a pitty party, so the punishment was something that had to come without warning.    I didn't allow my son to go to the store.. she was going to get me some flu medicine and just took him.. and this was the day BEFORE we went to the school. 

My mom was out of control when she was young and my grandparents were strict so my mom would go stay with other people.  My mom was also never around when I was growing up, she traveled for work and I was raised by my stepdad..it seems to me like she missed out on her chance to raise her own kids and is trying to take over mine.  That's the intention I get.. along with talking down to my kids about their parents I wouldn't give her any kind of credit for good intentions.  She's always been a liar and thrown fits if she didn't get her way.  Like I said this is only one of the many fits she's thrown and blames everybody else for her actions.  She went years without talking to anybody in our very large family because somebody said something about her tantrums and others agreed.  It's been an on-going problem and I keep letting her back in with hopes that she will stop.. but it never changes.

 

Quoting MsLogansMommy:

It honestly sounds like you are part of the problem a little bit (I don't mean this to sound judgemental or snarky) and by that I mean that you have given mixed signals to your mom and offered her too much access to your familys (meaning your husband and kids) information, for one by allowing her to sit in on the meeting and secondly for allowing your son to go to the store with him after you had already given him a consequence for his behavior. I am guilty of this myself my situation is a little different from yours Im a single mom so I originally encouraged my mom and dad to be involved in the raising of my daughter until I realized they were doing more harm than good and that I actually was capable of doing it on my own at that point I spoke to them at a time when we werent in the middle of a fight over discipline and I explained to them how grateful I was for all their help but basically I can take it from here. I think if you talk to your mom in private at a time when you are both able to openly communicate your needs let her know that you know she loves your kids and you know her intentions are coming from the right place but you and your husband have rules you have agreed on for the children and that it isnt up for debate tell her you want her to enjoy being a grandma and that she doesnt need to worry about the responsibilites of being a parent anymore its time to enjoy being the grandma. I think you need to firmly set a boundary and establish for her the role you will allow her to play in your kids life and the way to do that is to not allow her to sit in on school meetings and when the children are being disciplined explain to her what they can and cannot have but you dont need to explain to her your reasons its not her business if she tries to argue that she feels a punishment is unfair do not engage simply say well I can appreciate your opinion and thanks for sharing but the punishment is simply not something you need to be involved in and just keep going back to the old "mom enjoy being a grandma you dont need to worry about parenting now that is our job you get to be the grandma"

It is always easier to let go of anger when you look at the intention behind the act rather than the act itself. I think your mother simply doesnt know any other way to interact with your kids or you for that matter. She was probably treated by her parents the way she is treating you and it just means she doesnt know any other way but its obvious she loves your kids so cutting her completely out of your life would be a mistake in my opinion. Your mom sounds a lot like my mom and I have a ton of childhood resentment and things I know they could have done better but its in the past and some things you just gotta let go

 

 


 

MamaCourtney617
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 9:18 PM

On the bright side of your story at least she's letting her know that what you say goes and you are boss even though it makes you look like the tough one now, they will appreciate it when they are old enough to understand.   Hang in there!


Quoting MsLogansMommy:

 

it sounds like she has alot of growing up to do sorry that she puts the kids in the middle of it all its so hard for children to understand I hope you are able to find a resolution I can certainly empathize with your situation my mother displays many of the same characteristics like if I tell my dd "no" my mom will say "I would but your mom said no" wth? that is so confusing to kids my mom has gotten better but it has taken a lot of explaining to her why it is wrong she had to get to a place where she was even open to listening. Do what you feel is in the best interest of you children good luck family issues are alway difficult

Quoting MamaCourtney617:

 How do I allow too much access when she was in town for a week and the initial problem was supposedly him being bullied?  She was staying in our home and had heard the stories we were being fed and talked to him listening to his fabricated lies. We initially went there to help him, but the tables were turned tremendously by us finding out it was all made up for a pitty party, so the punishment was something that had to come without warning.    I didn't allow my son to go to the store.. she was going to get me some flu medicine and just took him.. and this was the day BEFORE we went to the school. 

My mom was out of control when she was young and my grandparents were strict so my mom would go stay with other people.  My mom was also never around when I was growing up, she traveled for work and I was raised by my stepdad..it seems to me like she missed out on her chance to raise her own kids and is trying to take over mine.  That's the intention I get.. along with talking down to my kids about their parents I wouldn't give her any kind of credit for good intentions.  She's always been a liar and thrown fits if she didn't get her way.  Like I said this is only one of the many fits she's thrown and blames everybody else for her actions.  She went years without talking to anybody in our very large family because somebody said something about her tantrums and others agreed.  It's been an on-going problem and I keep letting her back in with hopes that she will stop.. but it never changes.

 

Quoting MsLogansMommy:

It honestly sounds like you are part of the problem a little bit (I don't mean this to sound judgemental or snarky) and by that I mean that you have given mixed signals to your mom and offered her too much access to your familys (meaning your husband and kids) information, for one by allowing her to sit in on the meeting and secondly for allowing your son to go to the store with him after you had already given him a consequence for his behavior. I am guilty of this myself my situation is a little different from yours Im a single mom so I originally encouraged my mom and dad to be involved in the raising of my daughter until I realized they were doing more harm than good and that I actually was capable of doing it on my own at that point I spoke to them at a time when we werent in the middle of a fight over discipline and I explained to them how grateful I was for all their help but basically I can take it from here. I think if you talk to your mom in private at a time when you are both able to openly communicate your needs let her know that you know she loves your kids and you know her intentions are coming from the right place but you and your husband have rules you have agreed on for the children and that it isnt up for debate tell her you want her to enjoy being a grandma and that she doesnt need to worry about the responsibilites of being a parent anymore its time to enjoy being the grandma. I think you need to firmly set a boundary and establish for her the role you will allow her to play in your kids life and the way to do that is to not allow her to sit in on school meetings and when the children are being disciplined explain to her what they can and cannot have but you dont need to explain to her your reasons its not her business if she tries to argue that she feels a punishment is unfair do not engage simply say well I can appreciate your opinion and thanks for sharing but the punishment is simply not something you need to be involved in and just keep going back to the old "mom enjoy being a grandma you dont need to worry about parenting now that is our job you get to be the grandma"

It is always easier to let go of anger when you look at the intention behind the act rather than the act itself. I think your mother simply doesnt know any other way to interact with your kids or you for that matter. She was probably treated by her parents the way she is treating you and it just means she doesnt know any other way but its obvious she loves your kids so cutting her completely out of your life would be a mistake in my opinion. Your mom sounds a lot like my mom and I have a ton of childhood resentment and things I know they could have done better but its in the past and some things you just gotta let go

 

 

 

 


 

steelcrazy
by Emerald Member on Feb. 15, 2013 at 9:47 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like there is a serous lack of boundaries.  I realize that your mother lives 1300 miles away and was visiting for a week, however, there is no need for grandma to attend a meeting at the school, even if she is on your side.  I would be speaking up and letting her know that you enjoy her visiting, but want her to respect your family's rules and your parenting.  If she can't expect your rules and parenting, then she shouldn't visit.  She got to be the parent with you and if she feels that she did a good job with you, then she should be comfortable to let you parent your own children without interfering.

MamaCourtney617
by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 5:18 PM

The meeting was going to be her and I against the school because I was being led to believe that my son was constantly picked on and nobody was doing anything about it.  My husband was unavailable and I get emotional when somebody is messin with my kids so I NEEDED that support but it all turned and seriously backfired when it was my son that had led everybody wrong and was in fact the one being mean to the other kids.  She didn't raise me, my stepdad did, so in a way I think she is trying to make up for that with my kids.. but I see it as she had her chance and didn't want to, she is still trying to with my older brother and is failing.. this is my turn and i'm doing a damn good job with my husband.  We get compliments on our kids when we go places about how well behaved they are so we know we are doing right, she just thinks that only she can be right at anything.  I did speak up and let her know these are my kids, but she just screams at me.  It's a lose/lose trying to get through to her because only her opinion will ever matter to her.  She can be supportive and will do anything for us, but wants to control our every move.  It has also been that way my whole life.. if she would get us something it was always attached if she didn't have control she would say well I got you this and i will take it back.  She used to shut off my phone when I was younger every time she would get mad.  She cosigned on a car for me when I was 18.. I paid every penny of it and never asked for anything, somehow when I moved out because of her crazy controlling ways and didn't tell her where to, she called the cops and told them I had no insurance and it needed to be picked up.  She had my car towed!  I called the police department and they said It was reposessed and needed to call my leinholder.. when I called them they said no, call the police your payments are perfect.  The whole time it was my mom.  I was left with a child and no carseat because she wanted to find out where I lived and knew I had to call if she took my car. She's nuts and I keep letting her back in.  There are 100's more instances where something like this has happened which is why I question ever letting her back in at all.  Sorry I am rambling, but it's soo much and hard for people to get the full effect unless they know more.    


Quoting steelcrazy:

It sounds like there is a serous lack of boundaries.  I realize that your mother lives 1300 miles away and was visiting for a week, however, there is no need for grandma to attend a meeting at the school, even if she is on your side.  I would be speaking up and letting her know that you enjoy her visiting, but want her to respect your family's rules and your parenting.  If she can't expect your rules and parenting, then she shouldn't visit.  She got to be the parent with you and if she feels that she did a good job with you, then she should be comfortable to let you parent your own children without interfering.


 

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