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Desperate need for help!

Posted by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:26 PM
  • 10 Replies
Ohhh boy, ok, so my ds is in kindergarten. Academically, he's doing wonderfully. But everything else is a problem. He's gotten multiple "bad behavior" notes.... He's pulled chairs out from under people, he's gotten into shoving matches, mooned people, last week, he got a referral for getting into a shoving match, and this week alone, yes its only Wednesday, he's drawn in chalk on the carpet and chairs,and was over heard using curse words... I've disciplined him... taken privileges away, hes missed out on birthday parties, he no longer has a nintendo ds, I've talked to him, grounded him, been kind, been harsh..... I've emailed the teacher multiple times after the instances, explaining the changes ive made and asked if there was anything I can do at home to help with his behavior. Nothing, no suggestions. I dont know what I can do. He doesnt display this behavior at home, and by the time dad and I get home from work, we get a whole hour with him before its time for him to go to bed. I'm at my wits end. Does anyone have any suggestions?

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by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:26 PM
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by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:29 PM

Who is watching him in the mean time?  They may need to step in for help in discipline.

by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:42 PM

He's in before and after school care, where he has had issues as welll. I dont understand, I had a few problems here and there in daycare, but nothing like this

by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:30 AM

I am aware that you have taking away his privilege. May I ask are you being consistent because that is the key. If you son has a behavior chart from schoo(ask the teacher if she can make one for you)once he come home and you  can see if is doing well in school.If he is misbehaviong it start taking away his privilege don't give in until you see some type of change. Set up a conference with the teacher and counselor see if everyone can brainstorm create methods that can help your child behavior in school.

by Platinum Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:37 AM
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You also need to reward good behavior. This is often more helpful in younger kids than punishing.

Could you or DH rearrange your schedule so that he can be with you more? Getting up early and going from place to place all day may be making him more tired and moody.

How does the school handle it when he acts out, beyond sending home a note? If they are taking away recess, that can do more harm than good as young kids NEED to burn energy. Instead of sitting out, I would ask that they have him on trash duty, or walking laps or write (copy) a few lines before being allowed to play.
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by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 1:09 AM

 Did your child attend a PreK course?

When did this behavior begin? Was there any recent changes at school or at home? Changes in routine? Changes in discipline at home?

The reason I ask this is because it could be many reasons and it might be no reason at all (that he knows right now) that is causing his behavior.

It could be his is tired of this schedule. He misses time with you. He's confused by your methods of discipline. Something might have happened with a friend at school...

Point is there could be MANY reasons why he is acting out. I personally think when discipline doesn't work then it's time to think about his day. His exposures. He's doing wonderfully academically but can't seem to curb his anger about something...and it is anger...or frustration that fuels these episodes. You have to be the detective.

Alot of kids can't handle change well. If it's stressful at home he could be acting out in a place he feels safe. Maybe it's all about attention?

I'm just pointing out to you that sometimes we really need to spend time focusing on our children's reactions to things.

I don't know you or your family situation...but any sort of conflict in the house he could feel responsible for....etc etc.

I just re-read your post again and one sentence struck me....

 He doesnt display this behavior at home, and by the time dad and I get home from work, we get a whole hour with him before its time for him to go to bed.

You said that "we get a whole hour with him before it's time for him to go to bed"

THIS could be the very problem. Kids tend to want mommy and daddy time as much as they can get. If they have a bad dream they look for you to help "save" them from it. They look to you for comfort. They look to you to be there whenever they need you. The moment they need you.

An example of myself...

My mother was a CNA and she worked at the nursing home and worked as a local bartender on the side. I remember taking a nap (my older siblings in their teens were watching me that day.) I woke up screaming my dream I had pictured my mom in a whirlpool and I was calling to her but she kept slipping down the drain. Every time I reached out to her she slipped farther and farther away. I remember waking up screaming and calling for her.  At my age I just didn't understand why she wasn't with me and so my mind conjured up this scary nightmare. For months after that dream I wouldn't let my mom out of my sight the moment she was home.

One hour just doesn't seem like enough time together.  Do you do something with him every weekend? Every day you have off I would keep him near you as often as possible. Tell him how much you love him and how much you think he is a good kid. Tell him the things he needs to know to be reassured of your love. Read with him, spend hours playing with him...doing something he enjoys...let him know that no matter what mommy and daddy are there for him always.

What is the old saying..."Any attention is good attention"

Good or bad attention from you he will seek until you are able to give him that time he desperately needs to feel closer to you. Let him know that he is the center of your world.

I know in this economy many people have to live on a two person income, but if you can take time off for time with your child. One hour just isn't long enough to a child and can really affect him later...he's only going to be young for such a short time.

Keep us informed momma cause now we love that little boy too. *S*

by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 5:00 AM
I too was concerned about "a whole hour" an hour is not a lot of time to a -6 year old. I understand sometimes it is impossible to change. But you cannot say he is great with you And compare it to an hour of his life!

I would see if anything is consistent as far as discipline in school And afterschool then see if you can use that too so everything is consistent And i would see if i could make more time with him. Set a solid discipline plan that will apply to school/afterschool And Home. A problem is imo in this type of situation is kids do not get much discipline because the teachers/afterschool are really limited in what they can do....
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by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 12:01 AM

Ok, I have a lot to go over here.... First and formost, thank you for your responces. 

...He had changes at the begining of the school year, he was no longer spending as much time in his grandparents. his father and i worked things out and had moved back in together.

Discipline at home is consistant, always has been. we have daily reports sent home for how his behavior was during the school day, depending he either gets a reward, or looses privledges. 

As far as school goes, he gets either sat down in a refocus chair, or he will sit alone. This is where I want to help them, These disiplinary actions are clearly not making an impact, and I'd like to try new options to help them out. 

If I couldve adjusted my schedule, I wouldve. Ive been at this place for 8 years, and no its not something thats possible for a daily basis. My ds has to go to bed at 7 because when he doesnt, things like this get worse. I spend time with him on the weekends, and again, this behavior isnt displayed at home, unless hes tired, or hungry. 

he attended a learn center/daycare for pre-k. again, didnt display this kind of consistant behavior

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:03 AM
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I may be able to help you here....

DSS was having the EXACT SAME problems with schools number 1 and 2 this year...  He was kicking, punching, shoving, and even CLIMBING on other kids.  If he finished his work first he would start rolling on the floor and running in circles, climbing flat walls, stealing the other kids' pencils, you name it he did it.

To be completely honest with you I'm extremely surprised the school hasn't called you in for a behavior intervention... A behavior intervention will set up a behavior modification plan for your child where you can addd your input as to what works at home.

What's been working for us is DSS has a secret signal with his teacher when he's feeling overwhelmed and needs to get away from the rest of the class. (we've been working on this at home, how to recognize when he needs a break, etc), also, his recess is NEVER taken away, he needs the outlet, one quick fix you may try is let him chew gum in class, it's actually been studied and proven that chewing gum can help kids focus in the classroom, all of DSS's teachers have appreciated the gum.

Get an intervention set up, work with the school, let your child see both you and the school are a united front and that this behavior is unacceptable.

On a final note, every day before the bus picks him up we ask DSS what the rules are and what we expect of him at school and he tells us "no punching, no pushing, no kicking" and since we've started that he's only gotten into one shoving match.

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:40 AM

 I agree that you need to call a meeting with his teacher. I was told early on when my daughter attended preK that the teachers and parents needed to work together. To keep discipline as consistant at home as at school. They used the "1-2-3 Magic" method at school. I used a "choices-consequences"method. With a united front she knew what was expected of her. In her case, if you take video game time away from her she crumbles. She'll do whatever you ask of her. At school she is not allowed to get away with anything and if she did act up I was sent a note home. She was either in green (a great day), yellow (she had an occasional bad day) or red (which was worst because that was the ultimate bad day. She had many red days and I was absolutely consistant. Red meant NO video game time NO exceptions. I would not budge. Yellow meant we sat and discussed what happened at home and how we would have done things differently. A green day meant she got her video game time. At a certain point she would come out to the car after school and scream "I had a green day!" Somedays she would come out to the car kicking at the sidewalk as she walked to the car. She would enter the car and the excitement in her face would be replaced with "I had a yellow day"...or sometimes she would come out crying to the car and those were "red days". The red days became fewer and fewer. She knew if she acted up in school mommy was going to hear about it and there would be NO video game time.

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:53 AM

I don't mean to be mean by saying this. This is just from my point of view but I would say he misses you guys and is trying to get attention. you only see him 1 hour a day? That is so sad :0( Is there anyway you can adjust your or dh's schedule? do you both need to work?

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