Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids

Frustrated, don't know what to do anymore(potty training)

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:10 AM
  • 26 Replies
My stepson is 4 3/4, he will be five at the beginning of June, and he's in an early child development preschool program for developmentally delayed kids, but he's very very smart. He's mostly behind in communication. We started potty training him when we got him from his mother when he just turned three.. He couldn't talk much at all but he started using the potty, he knows how and can go by himself. He had some weeks where he was fine and stayed dry but others where he'd pee 5 times a day in his underwear. He has just been getting worse and worse to the point I couldn't keep up with the laundry and i was picking him up wet from school and the teachers didnt even know he was peeing; so a month ago I put him back in pull-ups and started over with a sticker chart and rewards ( a gummy bear) for every time he went potty. He stayed dry like 2 days out of the whole month we've been doing this. I told him he can't wear his sky landers underwear until he goes 2 weeks with no accidents. Today he pooped his pants 3 times. Which he hasn't done in a long time. I just don't know what to do anymore. We've tried everything, punishments and reward systems and completely backing off and letting him take charge of it. He has no shame or embarrassment and doesn't understand it either. I don't think his teachers even know he's in pull-ups. He's supposed to be potty trained to go to school. We've even gotten him a potty watch and set it for every hour and he still would have accidents. It got to the point where his potty watch would go off and he would cover it up so it muffled the sound and hid it behind his back so he didn't have to go. He will sit and grab himself and do the potty dance but won't go unless I make him. We took him to a doctor and they said it was probably laziness and do a reward system but that hasn't worked; and they said its not anything to worry about, he said if its still happening in a few years then come back after he's Seven or eight. We ask him why he's doing it and he says I just don't know and I just didn't know and I just tried to go, but all he does is repeats those phrases which make no sense. His daddy picked him up from school and he smelled like poop and he asked him if he pooped his pants and he said no, but then he asked again when they got home and he said no and then I just didn't know. I just don't know what to do with this kid anymore, it's like he only uses the potty when he feels like it.
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:10 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:23 AM

Depending on what happened while in mothers care.  There could be trauma emotionally within him and having accidents right now is one thing he can control in his life.  Have you thought about a child therapist to see if they can gain insight on why he regressed?   An hour is too long to wait when you are potty training again.  You need to take him every 20-30 minutes especially after he had anything to drink or eat.  Dont make it a big deal.  If he goes great, if he doesnt go , oh well we will try again in 20 minutes.   You can also have him help clean up, not as a punishment but as a natural consequence of having the accident.   He can wipe the floor with paper towels if there is urine and help put his clothing in the washer.

JasonsMom2007
by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:30 AM
Does he have sensory processing disorder? My 5 year old cannot understand what his body is telling him due to his spd. We have a lot of urinary incontinence issues and he was really tough to potty train.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Tryshx
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:34 AM
DSS would do this everytime he would visit his mother, after being accident free for weeks maybe even months. I told him I'd throw his underwear away if he messed in them and then put his favorite pair on him, he had one accident, I threw them away, he knew I was serious. But honestly, get him into a therapist, it sounds like he's had some trauma, and use natural consequences instead of punishments
SageAdvice
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:44 AM
1 mom liked this

HI, I have found that children will potty train when they are ready, and not a moment before. I have six children, one whose autistic.. With the first tw,o I was a classic mom who sweated the small stuff and gave a damn what everyone else thought. Then I learned to let my children led the way, I bought pull up and encouraged them to use the potty, when they were home with me. I found that when I stopped making a big deal of it, they relaxed and started going on their own. ( as they get older, they hate more and more being wet, dirty and figure it out. ) My special needs son was 6 before he was ready and able to deal with bathrooms by himself. I found that the schools just don't care and I had less to clean if I used the pull ups. 

 ALSO - It may not be laziness, he might just have a fear of the bathroom. One of my sons told me when he was about 9, that when he was young he was terrified the toilet would suck him down like it did the poop. He said for years he would sneak and pee on trees because of his fear of the toilet, He still wont say how he handled the poop issue,  I know we found some questionable poo in or potted trees a few times, I was impressed with the cat. Never thought to question the kids. Anyway he wasn't a special needs child and his fear was real to him.

 Maybe try other options..  Or just use the pull ups, and when he does make a mess in them, strip him down when you can andput him in the tub. (  I do realize this isn't always possible to do quickly )  Maybe tell him it's OK, and to let you know when he's ready. If he sees you not making a big deal about it, maybe he will relax and figure it out.

And if it is a power play (on his part ) he will soon get tired of dirty, wet pants and other children he's around will reinforce it to him that people don't want to be around a stinky boy.  ( sometimes children's cruelty can be the answer )

ALSO - if he's special needs and has an IEP the school can't refuse to teach him because of this issue. They are required to provide an aid to help him. ( to and from the bathroom and cleaning him up if need be.) You might want to let them know what you're dealing with.

 

neptunekitty
by Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 11:02 AM
Idk but he always says that he likes to wait until his pee is coming. And every time he gets a time out for doing wrong he always pees himself unless I make him go first. I think he has some form of autism but I can't get anyone to listen to me. Today I'm making him go with bottomless all day and see what happens. I know he feels it when he's gotta go tho cuz he will hold himself and dance and I gotta tell him to go.


Quoting JasonsMom2007:

Does he have sensory processing disorder? My 5 year old cannot understand what his body is telling him due to his spd. We have a lot of urinary incontinence issues and he was really tough to potty train.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
neptunekitty
by Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 11:10 AM
Yeah there was a lot that happened when he was out there.. Idk all of it tho.. I know her other kids were playing in the fire from a fire pit and they were bare foot in November outside at night and her 4 yr old at the time knocked a hot coal out of the fire and he, who was two at the time stepped on it and she didn't take him to the doctor for a week and it got infected and he had to have a skin graft from his leg for his foot and wear a burn sock. Plus she does drugs.. Their dad is sending them out this summer to their mom to visit so I'm worried what will happen and how they will be when they come back. I'm looking in to counseling for him, I think it will be good for him.


Quoting frndlyfn:

Depending on what happened while in mothers care.  There could be trauma emotionally within him and having accidents right now is one thing he can control in his life.  Have you thought about a child therapist to see if they can gain insight on why he regressed?   An hour is too long to wait when you are potty training again.  You need to take him every 20-30 minutes especially after he had anything to drink or eat.  Dont make it a big deal.  If he goes great, if he doesnt go , oh well we will try again in 20 minutes.   You can also have him help clean up, not as a punishment but as a natural consequence of having the accident.   He can wipe the floor with paper towels if there is urine and help put his clothing in the washer.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
neptunekitty
by Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 11:16 AM
His school told me he has to be potty trained.. They are under the impression he's fine with potty training and don't think he's having accidents even though we've picked him up late... As for hating being wet or soiled, he doesn't care.. He will sit in it all day and not say a thing.. He just keeps on playing, soaked pants or not... Like he doesn't even know he's doing it.


Quoting SageAdvice:

HI, I have found that children will potty train when they are ready, and not a moment before. I have six children, one whose autistic.. With the first tw,o I was a classic mom who sweated the small stuff and gave a damn what everyone else thought. Then I learned to let my children led the way, I bought pull up and encouraged them to use the potty, when they were home with me. I found that when I stopped making a big deal of it, they relaxed and started going on their own. ( as they get older, they hate more and more being wet, dirty and figure it out. ) My special needs son was 6 before he was ready and able to deal with bathrooms by himself. I found that the schools just don't care and I had less to clean if I used the pull ups. 


 ALSO - It may not be laziness, he might just have a fear of the bathroom. One of my sons told me when he was about 9, that when he was young he was terrified the toilet would suck him down like it did the poop. He said for years he would sneak and pee on trees because of his fear of the toilet, He still wont say how he handled the poop issue,  I know we found some questionable poo in or potted trees a few times, I was impressed with the cat. Never thought to question the kids. Anyway he wasn't a special needs child and his fear was real to him.


 Maybe try other options..  Or just use the pull ups, and when he does make a mess in them, strip him down when you can andput him in the tub. (  I do realize this isn't always possible to do quickly )  Maybe tell him it's OK, and to let you know when he's ready. If he sees you not making a big deal about it, maybe he will relax and figure it out.


And if it is a power play (on his part ) he will soon get tired of dirty, wet pants and other children he's around will reinforce it to him that people don't want to be around a stinky boy.  ( sometimes children's cruelty can be the answer )


ALSO - if he's special needs and has an IEP the school can't refuse to teach him because of this issue. They are required to provide an aid to help him. ( to and from the bathroom and cleaning him up if need be.) You might want to let them know what you're dealing with.


 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
JasonsMom2007
by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 11:35 AM

Oh the potty dance combined with "but I don't have to go!" my son does the same thing.  And he likes to wait until the pee is coming because that's when he realizes what the feeling is.  We suspected autism for a while too.  Actually I've been told he will most likely be diagnosed with it eventually but I think a lot of it boils down to his SPD.  His behavior was out of control before we started OT with him.  It took a lot of observation and questioning to realize the sound of water, feel of water, being under artificial lights, rooms with a lot of different noises (especially if music is one of them), etc. would set him off.  He also does not recover from things like disappointment or being teased like other kids.


Quoting neptunekitty:

Idk but he always says that he likes to wait until his pee is coming. And every time he gets a time out for doing wrong he always pees himself unless I make him go first. I think he has some form of autism but I can't get anyone to listen to me. Today I'm making him go with bottomless all day and see what happens. I know he feels it when he's gotta go tho cuz he will hold himself and dance and I gotta tell him to go.


Quoting JasonsMom2007:

Does he have sensory processing disorder? My 5 year old cannot understand what his body is telling him due to his spd. We have a lot of urinary incontinence issues and he was really tough to potty train.




Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.  ~Mildred B. Vermont
JasonsMom2007
by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 11:44 AM

Oh and here in CA it's illegal for a school to turn a child away based on not being potty trained.  It excludes special needs kids who cannot be potty trained from school.

heathercm26
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 3:36 PM
I was in much the sane sitch with my ss. It can be very frustrating. Dont be fooled. It is a power play. I used to think maybe he just didnt care. He axted like he didnt notice. My ss like yours, would wet himself specifically when he was in time out as well. Once we finally forced him to stop wetting himself e would pee all ocer the bathroom walls, doors, everywhere. He is nearly eight. They labeled him emotionally disturbed due to other issues. He uses everything as a power play if you show any interest in it at all......example.....i noticed one day he was putting his socks on upside down with the sole of the sock on the top of the foot. So i just showed him how to do it right so it would be more comfortable. He wore his socks upside down for a month. Came and showed me over and over. He is nearly eight and will not wipe his ass. Nobody else will either though. He has walked around for years now with an itchy but. He would rather do that then listen to us. Its oppositional defiance. Hopefully your kid isnt going down the same path.

Try giving him much more tasks and responsibility. Folding clothes. Wiping up spots on the floor etc. Let him pick out his clothes and basically have more control of his life. It may help him let go of the potty power play.

Let him deal with the natural consequences of things....like if he doesnt want to wear mittens. Fine. Let his hands get cold. If he pees his pants he must wash and change. If he does it when u are out. Next time don't take him. When he asks why he xant come tell him you just dont trust him not to pee his pants.


Quoting neptunekitty:

His school told me he has to be potty trained.. They are under the impression he's fine with potty training and don't think he's having accidents even though we've picked him up late... As for hating being wet or soiled, he doesn't care.. He will sit in it all day and not say a thing.. He just keeps on playing, soaked pants or not... Like he doesn't even know he's doing it.




Quoting SageAdvice:

HI, I have found that children will potty train when they are ready, and not a moment before. I have six children, one whose autistic.. With the first tw,o I was a classic mom who sweated the small stuff and gave a damn what everyone else thought. Then I learned to let my children led the way, I bought pull up and encouraged them to use the potty, when they were home with me. I found that when I stopped making a big deal of it, they relaxed and started going on their own. ( as they get older, they hate more and more being wet, dirty and figure it out. ) My special needs son was 6 before he was ready and able to deal with bathrooms by himself. I found that the schools just don't care and I had less to clean if I used the pull ups. 



 ALSO - It may not be laziness, he might just have a fear of the bathroom. One of my sons told me when he was about 9, that when he was young he was terrified the toilet would suck him down like it did the poop. He said for years he would sneak and pee on trees because of his fear of the toilet, He still wont say how he handled the poop issue,  I know we found some questionable poo in or potted trees a few times, I was impressed with the cat. Never thought to question the kids. Anyway he wasn't a special needs child and his fear was real to him.



 Maybe try other options..  Or just use the pull ups, and when he does make a mess in them, strip him down when you can andput him in the tub. (  I do realize this isn't always possible to do quickly )  Maybe tell him it's OK, and to let you know when he's ready. If he sees you not making a big deal about it, maybe he will relax and figure it out.



And if it is a power play (on his part ) he will soon get tired of dirty, wet pants and other children he's around will reinforce it to him that people don't want to be around a stinky boy.  ( sometimes children's cruelty can be the answer )



ALSO - if he's special needs and has an IEP the school can't refuse to teach him because of this issue. They are required to provide an aid to help him. ( to and from the bathroom and cleaning him up if need be.) You might want to let them know what you're dealing with.



 



Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)