I'm not going to lie to you all and tell you that I was always punctual, but becoming a parent has put a whole new spin on my excuses for being late to meetings, lunches, parties, and appointments.
Back in the day, I was late because of normal stuff, you know, my hair didn't look just right, my alarm clock didn't go off, there was traffic on 95. When my kids were babies, it was explosive diarrhea, Exorcist-style spit-ups, and tantrums that all seemed to happen within moments of us leaving.
Now, between me barely keeping my head on straight and my kids being out of their minds, it's excuses like this:
Sorry I'm late but ...
1. My daughter's socks hurt, or as she put it, her socks "hate her."
2. All of a sudden, none of their shoes seemed to have a mate. NONE.
3. I couldn't find my keys, they were in my pocket.
4. My kids were fighting over who got which seat.
5. My daughter's fingernail hurt.
6. My son decided to wrestle with the dog rather than simply say goodbye, so we had to roll off the fur, but I couldn't find the lint roller, so I had to fashion one from masking tape and MacGyver it off.
7. Both my children had to make a last-minute poop.
8. It seemed like a good time for them to ask where babies come from.
9. There was a wardrobe malfunction that led to wet underwear and a much-needed last-minute bath.
10. My son skinned his knee walking to the car.
11. My kids got suddenly parched, which led to drinks, which led to snacks. So we're here to meet you for lunch, but frankly no one is hungry.
12. No one heard me say "it's time to go," even though I said it 20 times ... at various volumes.
13. My daughter decided this would be a good time to have a meltdown over something that happened hours ago. Did I say hours? I meant days.
14. My kids were fighting over who the dog loves more.
15. My son remembered that he forgot to do some homework.
16. It seemed like a good time to ask about puberty.
17. I couldn't find my phone, it was in my hand.
18. My son got a fever on the way to the car.
19. My daughter got a horrible headache. When I told her there would be video games where we were going, her headache went away.
20. My dog, who just went out, decided to pee on the floor.
21. My son found the pee ... with his foot.
22. My kids were fighting over what radio station to listen to.
23. I couldn't find one of my kids, he was waiting in the car.
24. It seemed like a good time to ask about homosexuality.
25. My daughter changed 13 times until she felt she was wearing something that said, "I'm fashionable, but not so chic that I can't meet someone for fro yo."
26. My son was in the middle of a video game.
27. My kids bumped heads getting into the car.
28. My daughter was in the middle of an episode of "insert Disney/Nick show here _____."
29. My son's gums hurt.
30. My kids were fighting over whose tongue is longer.
31. My daughter decided that an old cut needed to be re-cleaned and bandaged. We couldn't find the cut as it had basically healed, so we cleaned and bandaged where we thought it used to be.
32. I couldn't find my glasses, they were on my head.
33. My daughter wanted to draw this picture for you. You better love it!
34. A stuffed animal that we haven't slept with or seen in months was noticed to be missing as we exited the house. Lost signs needed to be made, the milk carton people were alerted, and we ransacked our home to find it.
35. My son fell out of the car while getting into the car.
So what's your excuse?