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how should this be handled? UPDATE AT BOTTOM in red!!

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So has joint custody of DSD that he shares with the Maternal grandfather and stepgrandmother. They have residential and he has visitation that is every other weekend with 5 day period inclusive with a weekend. We have been trying to go for a 50/50 deal but the grandparents (mainly SGM) has not been going for it. She has tried to do everything possible to cut time back and cause as much drama as possible. He has been involved since she was born. We have been together since she was about 1 a little younger. we have been doing this visitation schedule since right before DSD started Pre-k, she is now in 3rd grade. I have DD who is the same age and then we have our youngest DD together age 3. We believe SGM has seperation problems with DSD and her 2 sibling that live with her in their home.

She goes to the school and eats lunch with DSD 3 times a week during the time that we have her. She takes pictures of herself and DSD, or gives her notes, or treats. She has brought home notes (on a monday) that say I love you and miss you and can't wait for you to come back home. Then it had several lipstick kisses on the bottom of it. The pictures have notes on the backs that read similar to the notes. SO has talked to the principle about the contact at school and she basically told him the only way she could stop the visits is if he brings in papers from the court stating she is not to have contact during his time...but she does understand his concerns and agrees with him that it is not the best thing for DSD. She also takes out report cards and weekly thursday reports, things that need to be signed and returned. He finally sent a note before christmas break when he found out she IS FAILING (not going too but IS) 3rd grade. he met with the teacher and discussed things with her. SGM has been presigning reading logs ans progress reports. Teacher said she was going to not give DSD credit for the assignnments and that she would be talking to SGM and explaining that the sheets are to be signed nightly to ensure that the assignments are actually getting done. She also writed out her name and had him sign it.

Something that we have caught on too. Every month she is given a reading log. She has 1 story a week she is suppose to read every night and she is suppose to time herself. She is to write down the total number of pages read and then the minutes it took her to read it. For the 3 weeks she is with the grandparents She always takes her 1 hour to read anywhere from 10-18 pages (depending on the length of the story, # of pages change but the time taken to read doesn't)

When she is with us it monday it takes about 30-35 minutes and by thursday it is only about 20 miuntes (again depending ont he number of pages). Again the section where the parent is to sign off on it is already presigned by SGM (on his time)


On to this weeks problem....

Of course SGM showed up monday to give DSD her treats, then today he got DSD weekly progress folder. The space for him to sign and the space for next thursday is already signed. There are also papers you are suppose to review and sign letting the teacher know you reviewed them....

SO notices the spelling word sheet that was filled out for last week was not in DSD hand writing. The work sheet consists of blank boxes for the kids to fill in  the spelling word 3x each in alphabetically order. SO asked DSD if it was her handwriting and at first she said yes and SO took this weeks sheet and last weeks sheet and layed then on the table side by side. He asked her again if it was her handwriting on the first page and she hung her head and said no it was SGM's and that she told her not to fill it out but she did anyways. SO just said ok and let her go back to doing her homework. SO wrote a note on the bottom of the first sheet stating " This is NOT DD's hand writing" He then wrote another note on this weeks sheets saying "This IS DD hand writing" and places both of them into her homework folder for the teacher to see tomorrow.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? DH needs some advice and asked me to make this post/ If there are any teacher our there, What can he do? What would be your course of action for the student involved in this situation? Thanks in advance for your responses.


***********UPDATE*************

SO had a meeting with GP when he took SD home yesterday and they had a chat about some of the things going on. GP was unaware about the homework issue (no surprise there). SO said that he told him " I understand that sometimes things get hectic and rushed, but I believe it is SD best interest to do her own homework" GP said he agreed with him. When the "meeting" started GP told SGM to stay in the house they talked outside while all of our kids played (SO took our 2 girls with him to take her home, GP loves our youngest daughter and often times wants us to bring her in so he can play with her at drop off and pick ups) GP also said that he will consider him having SD for the half time he wants, just give him some time to think about it. when they filled out the out the visitation calendar, SGM kept trying to change dates around and GP had to correct her several times and SO said that he looked very irritated by what she was doing. SO made it a point to tell GP in front of SGM that he felt it would be best if all contact was handled directly and only between himself and GP. GP said told him that he completely agree while staring directly at SGM with a very disapproving look. 

I am hoping that this meeting may have made GP aware of some situations and that he also feels that they need to change as well.....guess we will see, gonna update the main post as well with this information. I appreciate all of the responses I have gotten and the advice on a good course of action!

by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:26 PM
Replies (11-20):
aetrom
by Gold Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 5:09 AM
Imo There are 2 different issues - visiting, lunch And treats Does not seem to be a problem imo?

Schoolwork is! I am not sure what to do. Have you talked to them about it? Maybe she Does not realize the problems she is causing?
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tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 5:20 AM

We feel that the eating lunch with her like she does is an issue. She often uses this time to question DSD about things going on in our home and she also uses it to try to get DSD upset so she can play the poor grandmother card. This worked when she was younger, not so much anymoer. SD has told us several times that she would prefer to eat lunch with her friends like everyone else. SGM tells SD about things she has waiting on her to come home to. This is a normal technique used to deture the child from feeling connected with the other parent. It is also weird that she can not seperate herself away from DSD for more than just a few days and she is sneaky about having her contact with DSD. this wouldn't seem weird to me IF we just recently got the week visitation but since we have had it for over 4 years now....it just seems like a seperation and control issue for SGM.

The school work we just found out about today because of the papers. We just recently started getting the folder again. SGM took the folder out of DSD bookbag for 5 months straight and kept it til the next day (turning it in one friday) during his week. So he was not getting the information like he was suppose to and that, to some could be consider direct interference with his rights. Another problem created from her going to the school to visit with SD during his time.

Quoting aetrom:

Imo There are 2 different issues - visiting, lunch And treats Does not seem to be a problem imo?

Schoolwork is! I am not sure what to do. Have you talked to them about it? Maybe she Does not realize the problems she is causing?


aetrom
by Gold Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 5:24 AM
I can see how it would bother you i just think you need to separate the two issues. Perhaps have your daughter set a once a week or something instead of so often, etc. She has control issues i just think i would deal with the serious problem first!


Quoting tilly030409:

We feel that the eating lunch with her like she does is an issue. She often uses this time to question DSD about things going on in our home and she also uses it to try to get DSD upset so she can play the poor grandmother card. This worked when she was younger, not so much anymoer. SD has told us several times that she would prefer to eat lunch with her friends like everyone else. SGM tells SD about things she has waiting on her to come home to. This is a normal technique used to deture the child from feeling connected with the other parent. It is also weird that she can not seperate herself away from DSD for more than just a few days and she is sneaky about having her contact with DSD. this wouldn't seem weird to me IF we just recently got the week visitation but since we have had it for over 4 years now....it just seems like a seperation and control issue for SGM.

The school work we just found out about today because of the papers. We just recently started getting the folder again. SGM took the folder out of DSD bookbag for 5 months straight and kept it til the next day (turning it in one friday) during his week. So he was not getting the information like he was suppose to and that, to some could be consider direct interference with his rights. Another problem created from her going to the school to visit with SD during his time.

Quoting aetrom:

Imo There are 2 different issues - visiting, lunch And treats Does not seem to be a problem imo?



Schoolwork is! I am not sure what to do. Have you talked to them about it? Maybe she Does not realize the problems she is causing?



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tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 5:26 AM

I apologize I didn't answer your second question. The teacher has already had a conference with SGM for the signing stuff before the work was done and refused to give SD credit for the assignments that were pre signed. She told her that she has no way to verify whether or not she did the assignment and the pre signing of the documents leads her to believe that it wasn't getting done. This was right before winter break when BD got a letter from the teacher informing him that she was failing 3rd grade and he ended up meeting with the teacher and principle. As far as talking to her about it, he is suppose to be meeting with the GP to discuss visitation schedule (SGM supposedly got confused on the visitation schedule and just randomly showed up at our house week before last and got SD all upset and when SO was going to let her stay SGM decided no she couldn't stay and that made it worse and left with her crying her eyes out about wanting to stay with us). I think he is going to mention it to him and let him know that he sent a note to the teacher pointing it out. and kinda just let it be known type thing....GP is not very involved with the school or anything else. He is a truck driver and his schedule is a little whacky compared to the school schedule. SO has been trying to get this meeting with him since before winter break.

Quoting tilly030409:

We feel that the eating lunch with her like she does is an issue. She often uses this time to question DSD about things going on in our home and she also uses it to try to get DSD upset so she can play the poor grandmother card. This worked when she was younger, not so much anymoer. SD has told us several times that she would prefer to eat lunch with her friends like everyone else. SGM tells SD about things she has waiting on her to come home to. This is a normal technique used to deture the child from feeling connected with the other parent. It is also weird that she can not seperate herself away from DSD for more than just a few days and she is sneaky about having her contact with DSD. this wouldn't seem weird to me IF we just recently got the week visitation but since we have had it for over 4 years now....it just seems like a seperation and control issue for SGM.

The school work we just found out about today because of the papers. We just recently started getting the folder again. SGM took the folder out of DSD bookbag for 5 months straight and kept it til the next day (turning it in one friday) during his week. So he was not getting the information like he was suppose to and that, to some could be consider direct interference with his rights. Another problem created from her going to the school to visit with SD during his time.

Quoting aetrom:

Imo There are 2 different issues - visiting, lunch And treats Does not seem to be a problem imo?

Schoolwork is! I am not sure what to do. Have you talked to them about it? Maybe she Does not realize the problems she is causing?



tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:18 AM

it is the maternal grandfather and stepgrandmother and she petitioned to have her name added to the order around the time SD started pre k. the judge informed her she is only to deal with the schools and the doctor in grandfather absent (he is a truck driver, so this is pretty often) The judge informed her she was not to be apart of the decision making on the visitation or to have any dealing with SO that was to stay between GP and BD.

BM has been absent from SD life since she was 3 months old. She has spuratic contact with her through the grandparents, SGM has told us several time that if BM gets in touch with us for anything WE are NOT to talk to her or allow her to talk to SD. We have never agreed to this and do not plan to handle it in that manner if it ever does happen.....

Quoting frndlyfn:

Definitely go back to court for full custody so that she can be in a more stable environment with parents who have the energy to keep up with the school workload.  Are these grandparents on moms side?  How does a stepgrandmother get any rights?


maxswolfsuit
by Max on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:32 AM

I don't think there is much he do with the current custody situation. I hope you can figure out a way to get a lawyer and get more control for your DH. 

I would ask the teacher to make sure copies of all report cards, reports, conference notifications, ect are sent to dad.   I've had divorced parents ask for that and was happy to accommodate them. 

Honestly, I don't know in this situation if the teacher can really even do that. As a teacher I would do it. But if the grandparents told me not to I would have to go administration to see how to handle it. Some teachers might not be comfortable doing it since he doesn't have custody. 

maxswolfsuit
by Max on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:35 AM


Quoting aetrom:

Imo There are 2 different issues - visiting, lunch And treats Does not seem to be a problem imo?

Schoolwork is! I am not sure what to do. Have you talked to them about it? Maybe she Does not realize the problems she is causing?

I agree. I see why the lunch issue bothers the OP, but there's not much that can be done about that. 

But the signing off on the work is something that needs to be taken care of. Unfortunately I don't see how the OP's husband can do anything about it. It's really up to the teacher to handle it. But it sounds like she's working on it. 

tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:37 AM

he actually has joint custody which entitles him to the information, if there was evidence of SGM or GP directly telling the school administration that they can be held in contempt of the custody agreement. The vibe we have always gotten from the school administration is that they are tired of dealing with her and they know how she is. They just can't do anything about it themselves, except try to talk to her about the problems 

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I don't think there is much he do with the current custody situation. I hope you can figure out a way to get a lawyer and get more control for your DH. 

I would ask the teacher to make sure copies of all report cards, reports, conference notifications, ect are sent to dad.   I've had divorced parents ask for that and was happy to accommodate them. 

Honestly, I don't know in this situation if the teacher can really even do that. As a teacher I would do it. But if the grandparents told me not to I would have to go administration to see how to handle it. Some teachers might not be comfortable doing it since he doesn't have custody. 


tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:40 AM

The only thing we can think to do is to keep pushing for a resolution to the problems that pop up and show documentation of the incidents and results and hope that the judge does what he/she feels is in the best interest of SD. We have gotten the vibe from the school that they are tired of dealing with this women but there hands have been tired on what to do without directly getting involved. I told DH that if he would bring up the problems to the teacher and give them someone less "challenging" to deal with we may be able to get productive results from the school at least...

Quoting maxswolfsuit:


Quoting aetrom:

Imo There are 2 different issues - visiting, lunch And treats Does not seem to be a problem imo?

Schoolwork is! I am not sure what to do. Have you talked to them about it? Maybe she Does not realize the problems she is causing?

I agree. I see why the lunch issue bothers the OP, but there's not much that can be done about that. 

But the signing off on the work is something that needs to be taken care of. Unfortunately I don't see how the OP's husband can do anything about it. It's really up to the teacher to handle it. But it sounds like she's working on it. 


coolmommy2x
by Gold Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:43 AM
Sadly I think this is the only way things will change. Document EVERYTHING and get letters from the teacher and principal.

Quoting tilly030409:

When he went to court before he didn't have a lawyer and they did. Every issues he brought up, their lawyer claimed it to be hear say. He said that the lawyer cut him off every time he tried to talk. The judge ruled in the favor of the grandparents but suggested to SO to obtain a lawyer and come back. We plan to use the tax money this coming year to get a lawyer and go back to court.

Quoting silverdawn99:

Why cant he get full custody?

He is the father


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