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Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids

how should this be handled? UPDATE AT BOTTOM in red!!

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So has joint custody of DSD that he shares with the Maternal grandfather and stepgrandmother. They have residential and he has visitation that is every other weekend with 5 day period inclusive with a weekend. We have been trying to go for a 50/50 deal but the grandparents (mainly SGM) has not been going for it. She has tried to do everything possible to cut time back and cause as much drama as possible. He has been involved since she was born. We have been together since she was about 1 a little younger. we have been doing this visitation schedule since right before DSD started Pre-k, she is now in 3rd grade. I have DD who is the same age and then we have our youngest DD together age 3. We believe SGM has seperation problems with DSD and her 2 sibling that live with her in their home.

She goes to the school and eats lunch with DSD 3 times a week during the time that we have her. She takes pictures of herself and DSD, or gives her notes, or treats. She has brought home notes (on a monday) that say I love you and miss you and can't wait for you to come back home. Then it had several lipstick kisses on the bottom of it. The pictures have notes on the backs that read similar to the notes. SO has talked to the principle about the contact at school and she basically told him the only way she could stop the visits is if he brings in papers from the court stating she is not to have contact during his time...but she does understand his concerns and agrees with him that it is not the best thing for DSD. She also takes out report cards and weekly thursday reports, things that need to be signed and returned. He finally sent a note before christmas break when he found out she IS FAILING (not going too but IS) 3rd grade. he met with the teacher and discussed things with her. SGM has been presigning reading logs ans progress reports. Teacher said she was going to not give DSD credit for the assignnments and that she would be talking to SGM and explaining that the sheets are to be signed nightly to ensure that the assignments are actually getting done. She also writed out her name and had him sign it.

Something that we have caught on too. Every month she is given a reading log. She has 1 story a week she is suppose to read every night and she is suppose to time herself. She is to write down the total number of pages read and then the minutes it took her to read it. For the 3 weeks she is with the grandparents She always takes her 1 hour to read anywhere from 10-18 pages (depending on the length of the story, # of pages change but the time taken to read doesn't)

When she is with us it monday it takes about 30-35 minutes and by thursday it is only about 20 miuntes (again depending ont he number of pages). Again the section where the parent is to sign off on it is already presigned by SGM (on his time)


On to this weeks problem....

Of course SGM showed up monday to give DSD her treats, then today he got DSD weekly progress folder. The space for him to sign and the space for next thursday is already signed. There are also papers you are suppose to review and sign letting the teacher know you reviewed them....

SO notices the spelling word sheet that was filled out for last week was not in DSD hand writing. The work sheet consists of blank boxes for the kids to fill in  the spelling word 3x each in alphabetically order. SO asked DSD if it was her handwriting and at first she said yes and SO took this weeks sheet and last weeks sheet and layed then on the table side by side. He asked her again if it was her handwriting on the first page and she hung her head and said no it was SGM's and that she told her not to fill it out but she did anyways. SO just said ok and let her go back to doing her homework. SO wrote a note on the bottom of the first sheet stating " This is NOT DD's hand writing" He then wrote another note on this weeks sheets saying "This IS DD hand writing" and places both of them into her homework folder for the teacher to see tomorrow.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? DH needs some advice and asked me to make this post/ If there are any teacher our there, What can he do? What would be your course of action for the student involved in this situation? Thanks in advance for your responses.


***********UPDATE*************

SO had a meeting with GP when he took SD home yesterday and they had a chat about some of the things going on. GP was unaware about the homework issue (no surprise there). SO said that he told him " I understand that sometimes things get hectic and rushed, but I believe it is SD best interest to do her own homework" GP said he agreed with him. When the "meeting" started GP told SGM to stay in the house they talked outside while all of our kids played (SO took our 2 girls with him to take her home, GP loves our youngest daughter and often times wants us to bring her in so he can play with her at drop off and pick ups) GP also said that he will consider him having SD for the half time he wants, just give him some time to think about it. when they filled out the out the visitation calendar, SGM kept trying to change dates around and GP had to correct her several times and SO said that he looked very irritated by what she was doing. SO made it a point to tell GP in front of SGM that he felt it would be best if all contact was handled directly and only between himself and GP. GP said told him that he completely agree while staring directly at SGM with a very disapproving look. 

I am hoping that this meeting may have made GP aware of some situations and that he also feels that they need to change as well.....guess we will see, gonna update the main post as well with this information. I appreciate all of the responses I have gotten and the advice on a good course of action!

by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:26 PM
Replies (21-30):
maxswolfsuit
by Max on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:43 AM

Sorry, I thought I read that he has visitation. 

If he has joint custody he has a full say in all school related matters. In that case I think you should request a meeting with the teacher and an administrators to discuss the situation and ask how they are handling the issue with grandma. It sounds like the teacher is on track telling grandma she won't accept the signed papers. 

Honestly, the school's hands are tied with some of this too. Until your DH gets full custody the grandparents will always be able to do some of this BS. 

Quoting tilly030409:

he actually has joint custody which entitles him to the information, if there was evidence of SGM or GP directly telling the school administration that they can be held in contempt of the custody agreement. The vibe we have always gotten from the school administration is that they are tired of dealing with her and they know how she is. They just can't do anything about it themselves, except try to talk to her about the problems 

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I don't think there is much he do with the current custody situation. I hope you can figure out a way to get a lawyer and get more control for your DH. 

I would ask the teacher to make sure copies of all report cards, reports, conference notifications, ect are sent to dad.   I've had divorced parents ask for that and was happy to accommodate them. 

Honestly, I don't know in this situation if the teacher can really even do that. As a teacher I would do it. But if the grandparents told me not to I would have to go administration to see how to handle it. Some teachers might not be comfortable doing it since he doesn't have custody. 



tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:48 AM

I know and the only person who is really getting hurt in the situation is DSD and it is not fair that her care is being entrusted to someone who has their own agenda about things. Luckily our situation is getting better with each passing day (financially and other ways) and we are finally getting some of the papers that we need to prove of the way things are being handled. Unfortunately it is still going to be next tax time before we can actually do something....unless we hit the lottery, which we don't even play because we have more important things to spend out money on.

When he went to court before he tried to talk to the school and get them to help him out but the principle said they didn't want anything to do with the court situation. GP's supeoned the principle anyways. Can we do the same? How about her teacher? I understand this puts them in a difficult situation but the SD situation is more important than there comfortability (at least to us it is)

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

Sorry, I thought I read that he has visitation. 

If he has joint custody he has a full say in all school related matters. In that case I think you should request a meeting with the teacher and an administrators to discuss the situation and ask how they are handling the issue with grandma. It sounds like the teacher is on track telling grandma she won't accept the signed papers. 

Honestly, the school's hands are tied with some of this too. Until your DH gets full custody the grandparents will always be able to do some of this BS. 

Quoting tilly030409:

he actually has joint custody which entitles him to the information, if there was evidence of SGM or GP directly telling the school administration that they can be held in contempt of the custody agreement. The vibe we have always gotten from the school administration is that they are tired of dealing with her and they know how she is. They just can't do anything about it themselves, except try to talk to her about the problems 

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I don't think there is much he do with the current custody situation. I hope you can figure out a way to get a lawyer and get more control for your DH. 

I would ask the teacher to make sure copies of all report cards, reports, conference notifications, ect are sent to dad.   I've had divorced parents ask for that and was happy to accommodate them. 

Honestly, I don't know in this situation if the teacher can really even do that. As a teacher I would do it. But if the grandparents told me not to I would have to go administration to see how to handle it. Some teachers might not be comfortable doing it since he doesn't have custody. 




maxswolfsuit
by Max on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:53 AM

I know at my school we are strictly forbidden to get involved in custody issues. Honestly, judges aren't really interested in what we'd have to say anyway. 

The best we can do at my school is provide discipline and attendance records. Sometimes there is an obvious pattern when the child is with one parent. 

There have been a couple of cases when teachers I work with are called to testify, but that's only been when the teacher is aware of abuse. I've had lots of parents want me to testify, but the lawyers always tell them it's not going to help anyway. 

Quoting tilly030409:

I know and the only person who is really getting hurt in the situation is DSD and it is not fair that her care is being entrusted to someone who has their own agenda about things. Luckily our situation is getting better with each passing day (financially and other ways) and we are finally getting some of the papers that we need to prove of the way things are being handled. Unfortunately it is still going to be next tax time before we can actually do something....unless we hit the lottery, which we don't even play because we have more important things to spend out money on.

When he went to court before he tried to talk to the school and get them to help him out but the principle said they didn't want anything to do with the court situation. GP's supeoned the principle anyways. Can we do the same? How about her teacher? I understand this puts them in a difficult situation but the SD situation is more important than there comfortability (at least to us it is)

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

Sorry, I thought I read that he has visitation. 

If he has joint custody he has a full say in all school related matters. In that case I think you should request a meeting with the teacher and an administrators to discuss the situation and ask how they are handling the issue with grandma. It sounds like the teacher is on track telling grandma she won't accept the signed papers. 

Honestly, the school's hands are tied with some of this too. Until your DH gets full custody the grandparents will always be able to do some of this BS. 

Quoting tilly030409:

he actually has joint custody which entitles him to the information, if there was evidence of SGM or GP directly telling the school administration that they can be held in contempt of the custody agreement. The vibe we have always gotten from the school administration is that they are tired of dealing with her and they know how she is. They just can't do anything about it themselves, except try to talk to her about the problems 

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I don't think there is much he do with the current custody situation. I hope you can figure out a way to get a lawyer and get more control for your DH. 

I would ask the teacher to make sure copies of all report cards, reports, conference notifications, ect are sent to dad.   I've had divorced parents ask for that and was happy to accommodate them. 

Honestly, I don't know in this situation if the teacher can really even do that. As a teacher I would do it. But if the grandparents told me not to I would have to go administration to see how to handle it. Some teachers might not be comfortable doing it since he doesn't have custody. 





ddhb2007
by Bronze Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:00 AM

I would have a meeting with the school counselor, principal, and the teacher.  It may be that you could get CPS involved, and get custody that way instead of fighting through the typical custody court case.

tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:01 AM

wow. I was unaware of this. Is there any way that he could request a complete copy of her school file and visitation logs (theirs are kept on a computer, you have to sign in and out electronically and your picture is taken when you visit or check out a child) for SD records?

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I know at my school we are strictly forbidden to get involved in custody issues. Honestly, judges aren't really interested in what we'd have to say anyway. 

The best we can do at my school is provide discipline and attendance records. Sometimes there is an obvious pattern when the child is with one parent. 

There have been a couple of cases when teachers I work with are called to testify, but that's only been when the teacher is aware of abuse. I've had lots of parents want me to testify, but the lawyers always tell them it's not going to help anyway. 

Quoting tilly030409:

I know and the only person who is really getting hurt in the situation is DSD and it is not fair that her care is being entrusted to someone who has their own agenda about things. Luckily our situation is getting better with each passing day (financially and other ways) and we are finally getting some of the papers that we need to prove of the way things are being handled. Unfortunately it is still going to be next tax time before we can actually do something....unless we hit the lottery, which we don't even play because we have more important things to spend out money on.

When he went to court before he tried to talk to the school and get them to help him out but the principle said they didn't want anything to do with the court situation. GP's supeoned the principle anyways. Can we do the same? How about her teacher? I understand this puts them in a difficult situation but the SD situation is more important than there comfortability (at least to us it is)

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

Sorry, I thought I read that he has visitation. 

If he has joint custody he has a full say in all school related matters. In that case I think you should request a meeting with the teacher and an administrators to discuss the situation and ask how they are handling the issue with grandma. It sounds like the teacher is on track telling grandma she won't accept the signed papers. 

Honestly, the school's hands are tied with some of this too. Until your DH gets full custody the grandparents will always be able to do some of this BS. 

Quoting tilly030409:

he actually has joint custody which entitles him to the information, if there was evidence of SGM or GP directly telling the school administration that they can be held in contempt of the custody agreement. The vibe we have always gotten from the school administration is that they are tired of dealing with her and they know how she is. They just can't do anything about it themselves, except try to talk to her about the problems 

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I don't think there is much he do with the current custody situation. I hope you can figure out a way to get a lawyer and get more control for your DH. 

I would ask the teacher to make sure copies of all report cards, reports, conference notifications, ect are sent to dad.   I've had divorced parents ask for that and was happy to accommodate them. 

Honestly, I don't know in this situation if the teacher can really even do that. As a teacher I would do it. But if the grandparents told me not to I would have to go administration to see how to handle it. Some teachers might not be comfortable doing it since he doesn't have custody. 






tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:02 AM

Is that really an option? there is now physical abuse going on but the mental and emotional abuse is a factor

Quoting ddhb2007:

I would have a meeting with the school counselor, principal, and the teacher.  It may be that you could get CPS involved, and get custody that way instead of fighting through the typical custody court case.


maxswolfsuit
by Max on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:04 AM

I don't see why not. 

I don't think my school could give the visitation log because everyone signs in on the same sheet so it would breach confidentiality to give it to someone. But it sounds like it would be easy for them with that system. 

Quoting tilly030409:

wow. I was unaware of this. Is there any way that he could request a complete copy of her school file and visitation logs (theirs are kept on a computer, you have to sign in and out electronically and your picture is taken when you visit or check out a child) for SD records?

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I know at my school we are strictly forbidden to get involved in custody issues. Honestly, judges aren't really interested in what we'd have to say anyway. 

The best we can do at my school is provide discipline and attendance records. Sometimes there is an obvious pattern when the child is with one parent. 

There have been a couple of cases when teachers I work with are called to testify, but that's only been when the teacher is aware of abuse. I've had lots of parents want me to testify, but the lawyers always tell them it's not going to help anyway. 

Quoting tilly030409:

I know and the only person who is really getting hurt in the situation is DSD and it is not fair that her care is being entrusted to someone who has their own agenda about things. Luckily our situation is getting better with each passing day (financially and other ways) and we are finally getting some of the papers that we need to prove of the way things are being handled. Unfortunately it is still going to be next tax time before we can actually do something....unless we hit the lottery, which we don't even play because we have more important things to spend out money on.

When he went to court before he tried to talk to the school and get them to help him out but the principle said they didn't want anything to do with the court situation. GP's supeoned the principle anyways. Can we do the same? How about her teacher? I understand this puts them in a difficult situation but the SD situation is more important than there comfortability (at least to us it is)

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

Sorry, I thought I read that he has visitation. 

If he has joint custody he has a full say in all school related matters. In that case I think you should request a meeting with the teacher and an administrators to discuss the situation and ask how they are handling the issue with grandma. It sounds like the teacher is on track telling grandma she won't accept the signed papers. 

Honestly, the school's hands are tied with some of this too. Until your DH gets full custody the grandparents will always be able to do some of this BS. 

Quoting tilly030409:

he actually has joint custody which entitles him to the information, if there was evidence of SGM or GP directly telling the school administration that they can be held in contempt of the custody agreement. The vibe we have always gotten from the school administration is that they are tired of dealing with her and they know how she is. They just can't do anything about it themselves, except try to talk to her about the problems 

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I don't think there is much he do with the current custody situation. I hope you can figure out a way to get a lawyer and get more control for your DH. 

I would ask the teacher to make sure copies of all report cards, reports, conference notifications, ect are sent to dad.   I've had divorced parents ask for that and was happy to accommodate them. 

Honestly, I don't know in this situation if the teacher can really even do that. As a teacher I would do it. But if the grandparents told me not to I would have to go administration to see how to handle it. Some teachers might not be comfortable doing it since he doesn't have custody. 







GwenMB
by Gwen on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:05 AM

When you say "next tax time", do you mean 2014?  If so, why not adjust your withholding so you are closer to not getting a refund (or owing) & you can have the money now rather than in 2014?  Each paycheck you can put the difference in withholding in a savings account or something & get a little interest on it.  No need to give the gov't an interest free loan, esp when you have a better use for the money.

Otherwise, keep documenting until you can get a lawyer & go to court again.  It may not be the worst thing to let DSD fail 3rd grade - esp since you can document where the fault lies.  It sounds like it may be better for her to repeat anyway if she doesn't know the material.

tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

Thanks for the information. I think we will definitely be looking into this.

Quoting maxswolfsuit:

I don't see why not. 

I don't think my school could give the visitation log because everyone signs in on the same sheet so it would breach confidentiality to give it to someone. But it sounds like it would be easy for them with that system.

tilly030409
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:07 AM

sadly I agree about her repeating the 3rd grade. I honestly feel that if she is not getting that material then she should be held back to give her a 2nd chance to get it but I also know how ackward it may be for her to do this. we had talked about making the adjustment to his wages and doing it that way....great idea!

Quoting GwenMB:

When you say "next tax time", do you mean 2014?  If so, why not adjust your withholding so you are closer to not getting a refund (or owing) & you can have the money now rather than in 2014?  Each paycheck you can put the difference in withholding in a savings account or something & get a little interest on it.  No need to give the gov't an interest free loan, esp when you have a better use for the money.

Otherwise, keep documenting until you can get a lawyer & go to court again.  It may not be the worst thing to let DSD fail 3rd grade - esp since you can document where the fault lies.  It sounds like it may be better for her to repeat anyway if she doesn't know the material.


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