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Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids

Grandparents and their boundaries

Posted by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 11:40 AM
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My son's grandparents (mom + stepdad) have been very involved in his life since he was a baby, especially when he was in his younger stages and I was still going out alot and hanging out with my friends and not being as responsible as I should have been, however I also feel that by them being so involved they almost enabled this behavior as they wanted a child of their own and couldn't have one.

Anyway, it has been over 3 years since I made a change in my life and have given up that lifestyle. My son's father and have been together since then and I feel like his grandparents are constantly overstepping their boundaries. It is a battle all the time. They help pay for his private school tuition (their idea) and they watch him every week for us while we work (they insist, although other arrangments can be made). They come along to cetain events of his and then his grandmother makes judgements (such as Boy Scouts, says certain dads look like weirdos, etc.she has a good feeling about people etc, however, my ex-stepdad whom she married for 12 years was inapproriate towards me so when she says stuff like that it really bugs me). She gets all her information from reading the news on the internet and all her negative projections. Their apprach towards parenting is alot different then mine and when I feel like he is acting up and needs to know that is unacceptable they always say something is bugging him and basically baby him. I buy him shoes, she goes out and buys him different ones convincing him the ones I bought are not as good for him. She tells me his hair is in his face and constantly bugs me when I am going to cut it, she tells me what sports he can and can't play, everyday she tells me I am over doing it with his activities etc, etc, etc...I feel like he goes to her house and she instigates and interrigates him...and this is the least of it, it is just constant meddling and her opinions, etc. about things i have to hear...I just found out she told him Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny aren't real knowing how hard I go out of my way every year to make those traditions seem real...I asked her about it and she said he is going to grow up and wonder why we all lied to him, I don't know anyone who grew up thinking that when they found out the truth..I grew up being told they were not real, and wish I had the chance to beleive in them

yesterday my mom picked him up from school and I went to get him from her house to take him to baseball practice, he had a huge meltdown, refused to go to practice and refused to come home, it took them an hour and a half of talking to him for him to get in the car and come home which he was fine when he got home, I asked him why he did that and he thought it was funny....he was extremely tired from his day at school as is only 6 and will sometimes have melt downs, this was one of them...if it was just solely up to me I would have just put him the car and drove off and let him scream and cry...he would have been find by the time we got home, but with them there I can't do what I feel is best for teaching him how to behave accordingly.

At this point I don't know what to do, I have had talks with her multiple times, time after time and time again...and it is always a battle, yes they help us out alot which I appreciate, but I feel it does not give them the right to cross their boundaries like they do and if needed I would find other means of help...

by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 11:40 AM
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mommyof11050307
by Bronze Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 11:45 AM
1 mom liked this
Cut your mom out of everything. No more watching him or paying for his school. My kids m rules and if he threw a melt down he would have been put in the car then taken home to go straight to bed. With my parents they are my kids and they must follow my rules or there's the door. My dad is amazing and helps us ou so much with my kids. He knows the rules and doesn't allow them to do as they please. He has them once a week while I'm at school and will have them more next semester. He normally takes my older two twice a month for sleep overs when he's up to it.
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mickstinator
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 11:49 AM
4 moms liked this

I deal with this regularly, as we live very close to all of the grandparents and they are super involved. 

I am of the opinion that if they do not seem capable of staying within their appropriate boundaries, then perhaps you should find alternative modes for help at least until she gets the idea. My kids see their grandparents weekly and I ask them for help all the time, so I totally understand how hard that is and what it entails. It's kind of like a grounding, though. Makes life harder on everyone, KWIM? 

Rlmama00
by Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 11:58 AM
3 moms liked this
I dealt with this with my mother. We moved out of state. Problem solved.

Seriously though. You are the parent and you need to set the boundaries. If they refuse then cut back on their time together. It's not to be done out of punishment, but merely a solution to a real problem. Let them do some fun grandparent stuff together, but no longer allow babysitting, paying tuition etc. It gives them a feeling of power they aren't really entitled to.
jessalv
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 12:00 PM

Yes, I agree with you completely, we do have since I have a pretty flexible work schedule so his other grandparent can watch him or he can do the after school program, it's just I feel bad cause he loves them so much, but sometimes I feel like that's what I need to do so they get the point, we have had this convo before and then she says she will go to court for grandparent rights, I am gonna ruin his life, etc...rather then have a normal mother/daughter relationship, I typically feel like it is a custody battle...and I am the only child, he is the only grandchild on my side of the family making all the focus on us...thanks for the advice perhaps that is what I need to do..without feeling guilty regardless of her opinions or regrets she has for how she raised me at the end of the day she needs to respect us as parents and let us be...

Connie04
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 12:02 PM
1 mom liked this

I've never been in this kind of situation, but my MIL and SIL seem to feel they can freely give opinions about everything.  I don't ask them what they think; they just tell me.  It is so irritating.  My side of the family doesn't do that.  They only give an opinion if I ask, which is very rare.  I know what I'm doing; I don't need opinions from anyone.  So, I can't imagine how frustrating your situation is.  They are obviously having a lot of trouble "letting go" and they still act like they are the primary caregivers.  It does sound like you'll have to cut the strings with them, which includes no more paying for stuff and no more babysitting.  No wonder your little guy acts out like that - he is being interrogated by your mother and I'm sure it's very confusing to him.  Good luck.

jessalv
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 12:04 PM

Thanks for the advice that's how I feel, I feel he needed to be thrown in the car, get a time out or something taken, and go to bed, but they dragged it out for 1.5 hrs refusing to let me do what I feel was most approriate. My mom almost gave in to letting him stay or driving him the 20 minutes distance to my house in my car, but I put my foot down. Of course with them protecting him he knows what he can do...and their whole thing is if I just take him with him crying I am traumatizing him and they aren't doing their job to protect or listen to him as they promised...they are very dramatic and thing there is always some underlying message, when there isn't he was tired and wanted his way...next time it happens I feel I should call the police...I'm glad to hear other parents on her who have the same feelings as me because when I express to them how I feel they make me feel at fault...

mickstinator
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 12:07 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting jessalv:

Yes, I agree with you completely, we do have since I have a pretty flexible work schedule so his other grandparent can watch him or he can do the after school program, it's just I feel bad cause he loves them so much, but sometimes I feel like that's what I need to do so they get the point, we have had this convo before and then she says she will go to court for grandparent rights, I am gonna ruin his life, etc...rather then have a normal mother/daughter relationship, I typically feel like it is a custody battle...and I am the only child, he is the only grandchild on my side of the family making all the focus on us...thanks for the advice perhaps that is what I need to do..without feeling guilty regardless of her opinions or regrets she has for how she raised me at the end of the day she needs to respect us as parents and let us be...

That is definitely too far. She does not have any legal standing, either. I'm sorry she's being petty and forcing you to put your foot down. I bend over a lot just to keep the relationship amicable because I think it's for the betterment of my kids, but I really wish the grandparents respected us as the parents a little more.

jessalv
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 12:08 PM

The thing with the private school tuition is it was their idea to put him in it, which I am totally for, but if we paid for it, we would be losing out on alot of money. They don't pay it entirely, my step-dad's parents help as well, except as the great-grandparents they don't meddle at all they just help out financially because they want to without adding ast rain to the relationship. My job situation is changing so I may just start paying for it ourselves, or put him back in public school, but of course my mom throws that in my face how my schools aren't good enough and I'm ruining his education...

jessalv
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 12:09 PM

agreed

MrsSexyCurtains
by Bronze Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 12:09 PM
2 moms liked this
Dd is the only grandchild to my mom and I e told her I'll change my number and write you off if you don't change. She changed alright and now things are ten times better. I also live like 2000 miles away from home and that helps a lot too but also sucks.

You need to start putting him in daycare and cut them off until they adhere to your rules. He's acting out because he's torn between his mom and grandma. She's doing everything for him like a son and has him all day while you're at work. Who knows what BS she's feeding him. I'm sorry, but I would've cut her off a long time ago and not let her back in until she truly changed. I would've quit my job if that meant not having to send him over there.
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