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girl bullying - advice please EDITED IN RED

Posted by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 10:51 AM
  • 13 Replies

So, today I had a chance to explain everything to the guidance counselor before school....well, she pulled both girls aside and had a talk with them and the outcome is that it was all "just a big misunderstanding" and that nothing was meant and the bully must have been "side talking"......but she kept mentioning DDs name when she was "side talking" so it was explained that she needs to stop muttering other students' names {sigh}.  I told DD to just keep her ears open because if it was just a mistake, then it will stop, but if she was lying, then she'll start saying more things....DD wants to believe that it was a misunderstanding, I'm a bit more jaded.

Hi ladies!  I need some help with adivce for my daughter.  She is almost 10 and in 4th grade, and the bullying started last year with a group of 3 girls.  One girl was previously her friend, and I spoke to her mom one day to find out if DD had done anything to upset her.  Mom didn't know that anything was going on until I mentioned it, so we had a long talk while waiting for our daughters, and they walked up at the same time and saw us talking.  That pretty much ended the nonsense from that one girl.

One of the other girls was in the summer program put on by parks and rec and they came to the library one day when we were there.  DD went to get a book and when she didn't return, I went to look for her and found the 2nd girl talking to her.  I looked directly at both of them and reminded my daughter that when a person has gone out of their way to treat you like crap during the school year and then is friendly over the summer, it means they are two-faced and she shouldn't be wasting her time since this girl has been doing this every year so far.  This is the girl that was also around when I spoke to the teacher last year asking if she was aware that she had a "mean girl clique" in the class and that they were badmouthing several of the other students when she (teacher) wasn't in the room - I had walked to the room to drop off some class supplies that she had requested, and got to hear them.

The third girl - ringleader as far as I can tell - is again in her class and the bullying has already started.  Teacher has been made aware of it and that it started last year, but when the vice principal talked to her, she said she wasn't aware that there was a previous history (um, hello??  she was told it started and ran all through 3rd grade!!  How is that NOT a history??).  I spoke with the vice principal last week to let her know everything that has been going on and she was supposed to speak with DD today.  HOWEVER, DD was so emotional and crying over having to go through this another day that I brought her back home (which turned out ok since DS had an appointment with his counselor and we were able to address issues for both children).  I will be taking her into school tomorrow and speaking with the teacher and vice principal again, if need be, to request a sit-down conference including the school counselor.

What I don't know is how to make them see this is just as serious as the physical bullying that my son had to deal with - up until I refused to leave the principal's office until I got his promise that he would look into it and let me know that afternoon (confirmed, admitted to by the boys involved).  I'm more than willing to do that for my daughter as well.  She is a straight-A student, but this is starting to effect her work and her classroom behavior.  I spoke with her teacher about the possibility that she is acting out due to the frustration of being targeted constantly by this particular girl (and her friends) but I don't know if it sunk in at all.

SO....any other advice for me??  DH and I have both reminded DD that she is a strong girl and a fighter and we are trying to understand why she is giving up so easily on this.  We have discovered that there are 2 boys involved - 1 that likes the bully but who spends time with DD and 1 that the bully likes who also spends time with DD - it is definitely a possibility that this is a factor, but we don't think it's the only thing going on and we are clueless as to how to find out because DD isn't very forthcoming on this.

Thanks bunches

by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 10:51 AM
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by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 11:06 AM
I'll be anxiously waiting replies, as my dd,9, is getting bullied as well. I don't know what to do!
by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 11:37 AM
Could you give more detail about what bullying in this case is. A lot if ppl have very different ideas on that so could you give some examples
by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 11:51 AM
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Without knowing what kind of bullying this is, my advice is that if the school doesn't take it seriously, go to a school board meeting and address the issue of bullying publicly. You might want to tip off the media you're going to do it, because this is the sort of thing they like to report on. 

If this is physical bullying (meaning they are hitting or otherwise trying to physically injure your daughter), and the school does nothing, then I would consider making your local police aware of the situation. It's not overkill, it's setting up a precedent, so that if those girls would seriously injure your daughter, it is on record that they have a history of this kind of behavior. 

Statistics on bullying (national and state levels) support the fact that more girls are bullying than boys. Girls can be mean. Mean isn't even the right word for it, but I'll refrain from using the word that actually comes to mind here. 

My son has high functioning autism, and as such, is picked on regularly. I have taught him how to not only report those incidents of bullying to the proper people, but also how to defend himself if it becomes physical. Sad to say, but in this day and age, our kids are needing to learn how to defend themselves and fight back when necessary. 

by Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 12:06 PM
If the school doesn't do anything then call the media. Explain that you have notified the correct people and nothing has happened. I'd also go to the police and see if you can report it.

What kind of bullying is going on?

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by Gold Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 12:25 PM

Chrissa Movie (American Girl movie) deals with bullying. maybe watch it and use it for discussion. There is a mean girl clique in it, but there is one girl who goes along inside of school, but outside of school does want to be Chrissa's friend. ... maybe like the two faced girl to your daughter.

The movie can be found on you tube. Or your public library might have a copy.

The best way to deal with this is to teach your daughter how to stand up for herself and when to seek help from an adult, herself, right when the bullying happens.

by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 12:34 PM
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Read "Queen Bees and Wannabees" - it is a great book that talks about the dynamics of girl bullying and power struggles, and has ideas about what parents can do that does and does not help.  At 10, you'll need to involve her in the process and help her think about how to handle these situations (I'm not saying you don't also talk to the school and such) and it needs to be a two-way dialog, with her coming up with ideas that she thinks are realistic, not just you telling her what to do (not saying you are doing this, just that it's a common reaction for parents to kinda lecture their kids about what they need to do).

by Silver Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 2:00 PM

You need to have a sit down with the other girl's parents. They most likely have no idea also as to what is going on.

by Maria on Sep. 23, 2013 at 4:02 PM

We haven't gotten there and I hope we don't but this is her first year of real school (Kindergarten) and I am sure it is just around the corner.

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by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 6:16 PM

DD1 went through this in 4th grade.  That was a BIG year for her social development.  I was active in the school so I got to see and work with the whole class, so the mean girls knew I was watching them.  I used to be a middle school teacher so I know who to handle kids.  Anyway, I spoke to the teacher, who I discovered was having a difficult time herself dealing with the mean girls.  The counselor was called in and worked with the mean girls as well.   I explained to DD1 that some girls are just fickle, a fickle friend, and to stay away from them.  A true friend will be good to you regardless of time and place.  DD1's strong and fiesty and had a couple of friends who aren't into that world so she was able to escape into building true friendships.  Three years later, the two girls are still her good friends and the mean girls have left her alone.  Good luck.  It's not easy but tell your daughter to be strong. 

by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 6:43 PM

It is rumors and lies, making up stories about DD, attacking the way she dresses, the fact that she's a straight A student, must be a boy since she knows so much about "boy" stuff (meaning Minecraft, Legos, computer games, etc.). 

My son has Asperger's and got bullied physically in the same school and in 6th grade got punched in the face...he is now in his second year of online school because the system refused to do anything

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