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Cafe Mom attitude IRL?

Posted by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 10:06 AM
  • 44 Replies

When I first joined CM I was totally shocked by all the mommy wars posts. 

I had no idea that some women felt mothers who make different choices are inferior. No one in my real life (with one exception) seems to feel that way at all. If they do, they keep it to themselves. 

I have one neighbor who puts in little digs all the time about me working. She watched both of my boys when they babies a few days a week. She has never worked in life (including before she had kids) and home schools her kids. She feels strongly children need to be with their mother. I respect that. But I am not finally able to stay home even if I wanted to. Plus, I don't want to. 

When I got pregnant with my second she got more direct with her comments. She mentioned again that it would be better for the boys if I could stay home with them. I don't really want to get into a debate with her about it, so I just said we can't afford that even though it's more than that. She told me I'd be amazed what I could do with the household budget by clipping coupons. That if I was really careful I could save a ton. 

How clueless can you be? Groceries are only a tiny fraction of our household expenses. I've never seen coupons for electricity or mortgages. When I told her I make more than my husband and my income pays out mortgage she was totally shocked. I guess she thinks it's 1950 and men are always the main breadwinner. That seemed to get her to drop the topic for a while. 

Over the years we've distanced ourselves from them for a couple of reasons. I ran into her yesterday and she mentioned again how great it would if I could figure out a way to stay home. This time she suggested my husband could get a part time job to cover my income and repeated the stuff about coupons. She even mentioned that she heard Lowe's is hiring. 

It's insulting. I've worked for years to build a career. I don't make a lot of money. But I certainly make more than my husband could working a few hours a week at Lowe's.  It's also insulting to think that having my husband at work for 60 hours a week would be better for my family. He is just as much a parent as I am. Why should he be away from the kids all the time so I can be with them all the time?

I laugh at these posts on CM all the time thinking how people don't act this way IRL. Then I run into her and it makes me wonder how many other people are this judgmental of other choices but just keep quiet about it. UGH

by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 10:06 AM
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by Platinum Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 10:50 AM
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I've never understood the desire to stay home all day.  LOL  I also didn't go to school and get multiple degrees to give up my career that I've worked two decades to build.  I come into contact with some SAHMs in the summer that have that same attitude and frankly it's insulting.  My mom was a SAHM and she's the very reason that I swore that I never would be.  It's not always the case, but she completely lost it after all of us left home.  She tied her whole life to her kids and it's just not a pattern that I wanted to repeat.  KWIM

by Platinum Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 11:21 AM

I would flat out tell her to STFU!! LOL

I never ever dreamed I wold be a SAHM. NEVER in my game plan. DS2's learning disabilities and the crap district we are in ledto me homeschooling and frankly...I LOVE IT! Teaching and learning with the kids is a blast! I find i a challenge to keep things fresh and interesting so thay aren't bored.

I did enjoy working, for us, once I had #3 it cost more for me to work and pay childcare than it it did with me staying home.  Literally - I did a spreadsheet, tracked my lunchand gas for 2 months vs pay and childcare, etc and it was $100 LOSS a month for me to work....factor in the time away from my kids and it was NOT worth it!

In the end - it is to each their own. Just because it works for you, doesn'tmean it works foreveryone.

It is the whiners that get to me ...I hear on here a lot and it bugs the fuk out of me  "OH HELL NO! I COULD NEVER STAY HOME ALL DAY WITH MY KIDS... then seriously..why did you have kids?  If you are working on keeping the house clean, playing with them, going places, etc. It really isn't bad. You make friend, you lan things, you can kid swap. etc.

Then like Max's friend "Staying home is the only answer" WTF?? Not everyone is satisfied staying home. Some feel a need to have an income and be more independent and that is fine too.

by Emerald Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 11:51 AM

 I've never understood that attitude either.  Many assumed that I was a SAHM because I worked from home.  Which, let me tell you is no picnic either.  lol  Yes, it worked for me for many years, but I am beyond happy to not be home all day any longer.  I was beyond ready to leave the confines of my house and venture out into the big bad world.  lol  Luckily I can still wear track suits to the office, that may have been a deal breaker if I had to actually get dressed.  lol

by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 12:00 PM
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I'm currently a SAHM, but have mostly been a working mom. I hate when people find out I stay home and immediately assume I'm an idiot with no education. I always thought that was just a cafemom thing, but sadly it isn't. My husband owns a small business, and has a crazy schedule. Since my income was smaller it made more sense for me to be home since my previous place of employment refused to take me off 10 hr shifts. I don't understand why people think they have the right to assume what works for their family will work for everyone else. Luckily I have only encountered a few rude people, but sadly as women we are damned if we work and damned if we don't.
by Silver Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 12:46 PM
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Fortunately, the number of people who have actually said anything to me or had the attitude that I'm inferior because of the choices dh and I have made are pretty few and far between.  I'm friends with a bunch of moms IRL and we all do things differently.  But we each respect that it's what works for each of us and may not work for the others.

In our case, the worst offenders are family.  I've gotten to the point where I tell them that when they start paying my bills or watching my kids or are living my life then they can have input.  That's pretty much shut them up - at least when I'm around.  ;)

by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 12:57 PM

 Have you ever given her any indication, even the slightest just to brush her off that you'd like to be a SAHM? I'm just thinking that maybe she's misunderstood and is holding onto that thought. Maybe in her own mind, she's trying to be helpful and doesn't realize how she's coming across?

by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 12:58 PM

i get that attitude from my inlaws, its either i shouldnt work at all or dont work enough and it always changes ugh...

by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 1:04 PM

I was a sahm when my son was little. Now I work and I've been between jobs for a couple of weeks. I don't want to go back to being a SAHM. I'm going nuts. I deep cleaned my house the first week and have been bored out of my skull since. I can't do it. I thought I wanted to go back to being a SAHM but this experience has taught me that I definitely don't want to.

Each family is different. What works for some doesn't work for others.

by Max on Dec. 30, 2013 at 1:05 PM

Quoting Pukalani79:

 Have you ever given her any indication, even the slightest just to brush her off that you'd like to be a SAHM? I'm just thinking that maybe she's misunderstood and is holding onto that thought. Maybe in her own mind, she's trying to be helpful and doesn't realize how she's coming across?

I don't see how I could have since I don't feel that way. 

I suppose she could have interpreted my polite brush offs for agreeing with her. 

She's a very sheltered person. She doesn't seem to have many friends and I know the family has dropped out of some church and homeschooling groups they were part of. She is also estranged from her family. I get the impression she just never considered other people are happy leading a different kind of life than the one she's chosen. 

by Gwen on Dec. 30, 2013 at 2:27 PM

I don't get the whole mommy wars bit either.

I have a college degree and worked for many years on my career before getting pregnant and choosing to stay home (something my dh and I discussed before getting married). I don't understand the attitude that I see (mostly on FB and cm and other places on the internet) that I'm "giving up" something important or lessening somehow what I've done in the past. My dh and I simply feel strongly that this is what we want our family to look like and we are able to make it happen.

I only pity those who aren't happy w their situation and the kids who are neglected (which can happen w sahms and wohms).

IRL, I only encounter support for being a sahm. I suppose some look down on me for making this choice, but I honestly don't care what they think.

I would guess this lady is insecure in her choices. From my experience, the more insecure you are in the choices you've made, the more you try to convince others that they are wrong.

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