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Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids

Trying to deal with daughters retention!

Posted by on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:06 PM
  • 27 Replies

So, not sure if I'm just venting here or looking for advice from other moms who have gone through this.  I've posted before on here many times about my daughter being retained in 1st this school year and many after hearing my story recommended for her to repeat.  She was basically in the wrong grade (due to starting school too early and I wanted to retain her to basically make the grade correction) and she was struggling in some areas, was at the bottom of the class, etc.  All along my heart and my gut tells me this is the right thing for her. I actually let her choose and explained that she had passed to 2nd, but that we could leave her in 1st another year so she could be with kids her age.  And this is what she picked- to stay in 1st!  She's as happy as could be, to be honest!  Has the same teacher, which she loves!  First day of school was super smooth, because she knew what to expect.  And just yesterday said "I'm so glad school started already, I can't wait to go back to school"!

So clearly, I don't think this has impacted her negatively at all!  I don't see any stigma from the retention, nor does she seem to be embarrassed at all, as she is excited to go to school! So then why am I having such a hard time with this?  I was crying about it yesterday, and am finding it very hard to forgive myself for starting her early and not just placing her in the right grade since last school year.  Which would have avoided this whole retention thing!  

What made it really hard, was having to run into parents on the first day asking me what class she's in? And then having to explain why she's in the same class again.  She then ran into many of her friends from last year, that obviously were also shocked to learn she was in 1st again.  What killed me the most, was that one boy said to her "that's because she didn't pass the test".  I don't think they were cruel or anything (atleast it didn't sound that way when she described it to me).  Of course I was almost in tears by that point and in a crazy moment, said to her " You know you did pass, so we can switch you to 2nd if that's what you want". Her response was actually " NO, I want to be in 1st.  I don't care what they say, I know I passed the test, I was just in the wrong grade".

I have to say, I think my daughter is way stronger than I give her credit for and the way she is dealing with it is just AMAZING! So, I just don't know why I 'm having such a hard time with this and is she really OK or pretending to be?  Can someone who has gone through this please just tell me if this will all just be forgotten in a couple of months? Was it just really hard in the beginning to see your child retained?  I just have a lot of guilt and do not want this to affect her socially with those other kids she was with last year.  It kills me to think that she will always be thought of year after year as that kid in 1st grade that had to repeat.  I really hope I still did the right thing for!


by on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JanetteA
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:16 PM
1 mom liked this

(((HUGS)))

Unfortuantely on parenting boards and in real life too, people tend to make out like you are a terrible parent if your kid isn't reading at 4 or something.  You know that's not true, and I know that's not true, but we all want our kids to be top of class, happy and well-adjusted.  And when they aren't, it DOES feel like a failure.

I know-- I've been there.

diaperstodating
by Queen24Princes on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:25 PM
~ Hugs ~
My son repeated kindergarten. It didn't help, and ten years later I am still bitter. My husband and our parents had a meeting with the principal, but it was to late the decision was made without our input/approval.
psychmommy627
by Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:33 PM

I just wonder if after all that, I did the right thing for her?  After all, she did pass, she was promoted to 2nd grade.  But I wanted better for her and not be at the bottom of the class.  I wanted her to thrive, not just get by.  She was frustrated with alot of things and wasn't confident in her abilities at all!  Things felt too fast and too pushed.  And the bottom line was that I couldn't ignore the fact that she was in the wrong grade for her age! I just hope I will feel like all this was worth it in the end! She's missing her one best friend and talking about it at home!  I know she will make new friends and that it's only the 2nd day of school, but again I just hope it really was worth it putting her through a retention.

JanetteA
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:39 PM
4 moms liked this

It's no crime to want your child in the middle reading group instead of the bottom reading group.  It's no crime to want to see your child happy in school instead of struggling.  And it's no crime to want your kid's first years in school to be pleasant instead of stressful.  

 

GwenMB
by Gwen on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:46 PM

It really sounds like you and your DD made the best choice for her. Passing isn't the only thing that matters - being comfortable with where you're at and not struggling to keep up is important.

Mommy guilt is awful! Give yourself a break - you're doing the best job you can do and are the best mommy for your DD - better than the parents who are questioning you (they are likely good parents for their kids, they just aren't nearly as qualified to parent your child as you are).  I say, go indulge yourself in your favorite way to relax!

GwenMB
by Gwen on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:49 PM

I could not agree more with JanetteA!

aj23
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 4:52 PM

Give it a couple of weeks. My son repeated kindergarten and it didn't bother him and I got the same types of questions the first couple of days of school last year and I just explained to whoever asked that it was best that he repeat. The third day of school was the last time it ever came up outside of meetings with the teacher.
Don't feel guilty, you are doing what's best for her now and that's what matters. The only time you should feel guilty is when you know you should have done something else and didn't.

Jinx-Troublex3
by Platinum Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 5:15 PM
Get the contact info for any friends she misses and have playdates and out of school get togethers.
ldmrmom
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 6:09 PM

I can't comment on retention from personal experience - but I can tell you this. . . both my kid have friends that repeated a grade, either in their grade level now or now the grade behind them. After the initial "where is  so and so" or "This one already did this grade", my kids, the student in question or any of the other classmates think twice about it. One girl my DD spent a lot of time with in 1st, 3rd and 4th grade (they were in the same class) had an 'early' birthday (school cut-off is Oct 1. Her day is Oct 15.) and she repeated 1st grade. Most of her now peers thought it was cool she could give them a 'what to expect' in the classroom in 1st grade. Most of her the kids she did 1st with the first time, didn't think twice about it going forward and frankly, I don't think she does any more either. DD and her friend will be starting 5th grade in two weeks.


Barabell
by Barbara on Aug. 20, 2014 at 12:26 AM
I agree with this. I remember your other posts too. I really believe you made the right choice.

Quoting GwenMB:

It really sounds like you and your DD made the best choice for her. Passing isn't the only thing that matters - being comfortable with where you're at and not struggling to keep up is important.

Mommy guilt is awful! Give yourself a break - you're doing the best job you can do and are the best mommy for your DD - better than the parents who are questioning you (they are likely good parents for their kids, they just aren't nearly as qualified to parent your child as you are).  I say, go indulge yourself in your favorite way to relax!

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