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Rude, Mean, or Bullying?

Posted by on Aug. 26, 2014 at 5:35 PM
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4 moms liked this

 I'm pretty sure this has been posted before, but with a new school year upon us, I thought this deserved a repeat.

Here's an except that defines rude, mean, and bullying:

Rude = Inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts someone else.

A particular relative of mine (whose name it would be rude of me to mention) often looks my curly red hair up and down before inquiring in a sweet tone, "Have you ever thought about coloring your hair?" or "I think you look so much more sophisticated when you straighten your hair, Signe." This doting family member thinks she is helping me. he rest of the people in the room cringe at her boldness and I am left to wonder if being a brunette would suit me. Her comments can sting, but remembering that they come from a place of love -- in her mind -- helps me to remember what to do with the advice...

From kids, rudeness might look more like burping in someone's face, jumping ahead in line, bragging about achieving the highest grade or even throwing a crushed up pile of leaves in someone's face. On their own, any of these behaviors could appear as elements of bullying, but when looked at in context, incidents of rudeness are usually spontaneous, unplanned inconsideration, based on thoughtlessness, poor manners or narcissism, but not meant to actually hurt someone.

Mean = Purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (or maybe twice).

The main distinction between "rude" and "mean" behavior has to do with intention; while rudeness is often unintentional, mean behavior very much aims to hurt or depreciate someone. Kids are mean to each other when they criticize clothing, appearance, intelligence, coolness or just about anything else they can find to denigrate. Meanness also sounds like words spoken in anger -- impulsive cruelty that is often regretted in short order. Very often, mean behavior in kids is motivated by angry feelings and/or the misguided goal of propping themselves up in comparison to the person they are putting down. Commonly, meanness in kids sounds an awful lot like:

• "Are you seriously wearing that sweater again? Didn't you just wear it, like, last week? Get a life."
• "You are so fat/ugly/stupid/gay."
• "I hate you!"

Make no mistake; mean behaviors can wound deeply and adults can make a huge difference in the lives of young people when they hold kids accountable for being mean. Yet, meanness is different from bullying in important ways that should be understood and differentiated when it comes to intervention.

Bullying = Intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involves an imbalance of power.

Experts agree that bullying entails three key elements: an intent to harm, a power imbalance and repeated acts or threats of aggressive behavior. Kids who bully say or do something intentionally hurtful to others and they keep doing it, with no sense of regret or remorse -- even when targets of bullying show or express their hurt or tell the aggressors to stop.

Bullying may be physical, verbal, relational or carried out via technology:

Physical aggression was once the gold standard of bullying-- the "sticks and stones" that made adults in charge stand up and take notice. This kind of bullying includes hitting, punching, kicking, spitting, tripping, hair pulling, slamming a child into a locker and a range of other behaviors that involve physical aggression.

Verbal aggression is what our parents used to advise us to "just ignore." We now know that despite the old adage, words and threats can, indeed, hurt and can even cause profound, lasting harm.

Relational aggression is a form of bullying in which kids use their friendship--or the threat of taking their friendship away--to hurt someone. Social exclusion, shunning, hazing, and rumor spreading are all forms of this pervasive type of bullying that can be especially beguiling and crushing to kids.

Cyberbullying is a specific form of bullying that involves technology. According to Hinduja and Patchin of the Cyberbullying Research Center, it is the "willful and repeated harm inflicted through the use of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices." Notably, the likelihood of repeated harm is especially high with cyberbullying because electronic messages can be accessed by multiple parties, resulting in repeated exposure and repeated harm.





by on Aug. 26, 2014 at 5:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Queen25Princes on Aug. 26, 2014 at 5:39 PM
Thanks for sharing.
by Max on Aug. 26, 2014 at 5:54 PM
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That's awesome! It's so important for kids to learn the difference between rude and mean. 

And you've seen my thoughts on the over use of the word bulling many times!

by on Aug. 26, 2014 at 6:08 PM
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I shared this on FB. So many of my mom friends toss around bullying and it drives me crazy. Honestly, even the school has kids believing that if you don't want to play with someone you're a bully. I hate it.
by Emerald Member on Aug. 26, 2014 at 7:23 PM

Thanks, Waky!  I am often amazed how some get all worked up over rude behavior.  Just because I say something that you don't like, doesn't mean that I'm a bully, although it may mean that I was rude. (This statement is in general and not directed at myself or anyone else in particular.)

by Gold Member on Aug. 26, 2014 at 10:16 PM
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This is great.

In our faculty meeting today, my boss and I reminded everyone that we have to be EXTREMELY cautious about labeling behavior as "bullying" due to the legal implications of that label. I think I'm going to share this with my co-workers.

by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2014 at 12:32 PM

Very helpful.  Thanks for sharing!

by Silver Member on Aug. 27, 2014 at 12:59 PM

Good reminder.  I often see things described that other parents are calling bullying but I actually think it's just teasing (which would fall under "mean" in the above descriptions).

It's not to say that teasing or meanness is ok, but just because a kid is being mean doesn't mean they are bullying.  There is a difference and we all need to keep perspective on that.

by Queen25Princes on Aug. 27, 2014 at 2:54 PM
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Last year one of my sons had to deal with a few bullies. I had two meetings with the principal along with my ex husband, my parents and my in laws. It wasn't until the end of the school year that the billies were finally kicked out if the school. My sons and I know the difference between rude, mean and bullying.
by Emerald Member on Sep. 2, 2014 at 3:28 PM

And here we go again . . .


by on Sep. 2, 2014 at 11:00 PM
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Yes, being mean is different than bullying, but even though being a jerk is different than being a bully, to be clear, neither are desirable. 

More so, I don't think that bullying can be identified by intentions since those can be so nebulous.  Instead, I think it needs to be defined by whether a pattern of the hurtful behavior has occurred. The pattern could either be one child continuing to be hurtful (either with words or force) to a number of other children, or the pattern could be a number of different children continuing to be hurtful (either with words or force) to one child in particular. 

Also, severity would be a factor that overrides the pattern criteria.  For example, significant injury from one child to another, even just one time, is bullying because it can have such a lasting impact. 

Most importantly, if a child feels bullied, take it seriously.

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