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ETA I need to talk to the mom and need your advice

Posted by on Sep. 21, 2017 at 10:38 AM
  • 10 Replies
Dd is in 4th grade and this year the classes were mixed and her only close friend is in the other class.

There is a girl, let's call her K who has been in the same class as dd since 1st and it has always been a "rocky" relationship.

K has been borderline bullying dd but we had managed in the past but this year it has been rough.

Dd is very emotional and sensitive so that doesn't help.

I told dd to make new friends, had the teachers sit her away from K and things were improving, her new friend actually spent last night here but... K is jealous. At some point dd had told K she was inviting her to her bday party and K said she didn't want to go. Now dd is planing her party and was talking about it with the new friend and K got mad and said she was going to tell the principal dd didn't invite her (dd told her she didn't think the principal would care about it) and K and 2 of her followers said dd and the new friend called K stupid and dumb (K, 2 years ago said dd called her a bitch and dd didn't even know the meaning of that word so she makes up things).

The biggest problem I have is that dd can't focus in school with all the emotional load from K and she was struggling before I talked to her teachers and things changed but yesterday while doing homework I noticed she was back to not getting anything.

So now I feel I need to address the issue with K's mom to see if anything will change and if not, to involve the school on a deeper level.

We are friendly with K's mom but I would like your advise in how to approach it and handle It.

Thank you ladies!

ETA.

I have posted about this before, I have spoken to the teachers, I have told dd how to handle the situation and guided her to make new friends which she did and this has been going on since 1st grade and things are only getting worse no matter what dd does.

This afternoon, dd told me she was afraid K would start harassing her with her peanut and nut allergy (this has happened before with K and another girl as well) so it adds to the problem.

The class has in 2nd and 3rd the same teacher who was great and we became friends so I just talked to her and she is going to talk to the girls in the morning and suggested I talk to the mom and wait for the counselor as last resort because when she gets involved things escalate pretty fast and might not be in dd's best interest (being call a rat or who knows what else).

Now, I need more ideas on how to talk to the mom.

Thank you again.
by on Sep. 21, 2017 at 10:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mommi2be88
by New Member on Sep. 21, 2017 at 3:19 PM

She definitely needs to stand up for herself. But anything she does in retaliation may only make the situation worse. So, you need to prepare her for whatever repercussions come with it. And doing nothing won't help either.

Can you go over and talk with the girls mom/daughter with your daughter? Typically, opening up lines of communication are the best way to go. But, K may go and tell her friends and they may tease her about that, too. 

Whatever you do, help your daughter stand her groud. It'll be important she learn that lesson now.

2-point-doe
by Silver Member on Sep. 21, 2017 at 3:47 PM

Oh man that is rough. Only advice I can give is to make sure you in no way blame K and approach all as your dd's issue. Maybe something along the lines of, I noticed the girls are having some issues getting along and was wondering if there are things that dd is doing that have upset K. It sounds like K may not be very good at making friends. Have you thought about trying a play date away from school, maybe with the other mom invited too?

I agree that your daughter will have to stand her ground.

The only time so far I have spoken with a parent was when her DD was telling mine that she couldn't be friends with certain people. One of them was a girl my mom and DD stopped by to get on the way to school so she could walk with them. I told the other mom that DD is not allowed to be exclusive in her friendships and is required to include everyone. The mom did not speak to me or my mom for an entire year.

ahawkins
by Member on Sep. 21, 2017 at 4:17 PM
I would switch classes for my dd if she were in that situation, and talk to the other girls
Mom.
Domermom2026
by Member on Sep. 21, 2017 at 4:47 PM

Can you email the school counselor and have her/him get involved? Maybe have the SC meet with DD first and give her some techniques to use when K does this. Then have the SC meet with both of them to see if they can get it figured out. 


wakymom
by Ruby Member on Sep. 21, 2017 at 5:04 PM

I would go to the guidance counselor for this one. They can talk with the girls (either together, individually, or both) and/or talk with the class as a whole about getting along with people even if you don't really like them, and other social issues that go along with that.

Ds1 was bullied in 5th gr by his so-called best friend. We did talk with the parents because we were pretty sure they would respond well (and we were right).

Dd, 6th gr, has been having an issue with a couple of girls (one more than the other). I had dd talk with the counselor when what I suggested didn't work. I have not gone to the mom about it because I know she would not respond well to it.





 

artemisa3001
by Bronze Member on Sep. 21, 2017 at 6:23 PM
Thank you!

I hate girls "fights"

Quoting 2-point-doe:

Oh man that is rough. Only advice I can give is to make sure you in no way blame K and approach all as your dd's issue. Maybe something along the lines of, I noticed the girls are having some issues getting along and was wondering if there are things that dd is doing that have upset K. It sounds like K may not be very good at making friends. Have you thought about trying a play date away from school, maybe with the other mom invited too?

I agree that your daughter will have to stand her ground.

The only time so far I have spoken with a parent was when her DD was telling mine that she couldn't be friends with certain people. One of them was a girl my mom and DD stopped by to get on the way to school so she could walk with them. I told the other mom that DD is not allowed to be exclusive in her friendships and is required to include everyone. The mom did not speak to me or my mom for an entire year.

artemisa3001
by Bronze Member on Sep. 21, 2017 at 6:32 PM
That's why I have been trying all this years but K is non stop.

Quoting mommi2be88:

She definitely needs to stand up for herself. But anything she does in retaliation may only make the situation worse. So, you need to prepare her for whatever repercussions come with it. And doing nothing won't help either.

Can you go over and talk with the girls mom/daughter with your daughter? Typically, opening up lines of communication are the best way to go. But, K may go and tell her friends and they may tease her about that, too. 

Whatever you do, help your daughter stand her groud. It'll be important she learn that lesson now.

artemisa3001
by Bronze Member on Sep. 21, 2017 at 6:34 PM
They don't allow switching classes

Quoting ahawkins: I would switch classes for my dd if she were in that situation, and talk to the other girls
Mom.
Aboundingjoy
by on Sep. 25, 2017 at 10:25 AM

It sounds like you're doing everything that you can from your end.  Unfortunately, we cannot control the outcome of another child's behavior.  Just keep loving your dd and encourage her to stand strong.  She doesn't have to be afraid of K. She can treat K nicely, but dd can always say "no" to her and walk away.  If K tries to hurt her, I would instruct dd to speak to the teacher or counselor.  If the teacher witnesses dd's distress and K harassing her, they will have to move either K or dd's class.

Is K's attitude this way exclusively to dd?  This may sound a bit nuts to you, but I wonder if you and K's mom can set a play date.  They can play together while you two can chat and it will give you some idea as to how they interact with one another (away from other kids).  It will also help K's mom see what goes on between the two kids.  It may provide an opportunity gain insight on what's really going on & to have a dialogue with the mom as well without sounding like you're accusing K.


artemisa3001
by Bronze Member on Sep. 25, 2017 at 8:49 PM
Thanks. The thing is they are too old for play dates with parents around and we are. It close friends with K's mom as I am with other friends.

They had play dates before and she's not any nicer and my kid doesn't want any part of her anymore.

Quoting Aboundingjoy:

It sounds like you're doing everything that you can from your end.  Unfortunately, we cannot control the outcome of another child's behavior.  Just keep loving your dd and encourage her to stand strong.  She doesn't have to be afraid of K. She can treat K nicely, but dd can always say "no" to her and walk away.  If K tries to hurt her, I would instruct dd to speak to the teacher or counselor.  If the teacher witnesses dd's distress and K harassing her, they will have to move either K or dd's class.

Is K's attitude this way exclusively to dd?  This may sound a bit nuts to you, but I wonder if you and K's mom can set a play date.  They can play together while you two can chat and it will give you some idea as to how they interact with one another (away from other kids).  It will also help K's mom see what goes on between the two kids.  It may provide an opportunity gain insight on what's really going on & to have a dialogue with the mom as well without sounding like you're accusing K.

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