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Elementary School Kids Elementary School Kids

"MEAN GIRLS!"

Posted by on Sep. 23, 2009 at 9:43 AM
  • 14 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Have you dealt with "mean girls" in 3rd grade or earlier?

Options:

YES, and it is so upsetting!

No, thankfully.

Not yet, but I'm sure it will happen soon

I can see it's starting to happen at this age


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 40

View Results

My daughter is in 3rd grade and last year, in 2nd grade, her class had a problem with "mean girl" syndrome. I can't believe how early it starts. There are a couple of girls in particular that I have seen in action while at the school. Their parents have been notified by the teacher a few times. Our school does have zero tolerence and they have taken action by having the whole school listen to a professional speaker on the subject and have addressed it in classes with a counselor. My daughter is friends with a large group of girls, and there a couple in the group who try to "rule" and can be very mean. It is so sad when you see this, and of course we are very protective of our little girls! When I hear of some the things that a "friend" (or more like frenemy) of my dd's has done or said, I feel like giving her Mom a call. Her Mom has an attitude herself. I'm not sure what good it would do. How would you approach it? I told my dd to tell her that she's not being a good friend if/when it happens, which hasn't been too often. I tell her that they have no right to make others feel bad and they are not friends if they do that. And that all she can do is stand up for herself and also try to be a real friend to others. But I can just see these particular girls, fast-forward into high school. I hope that the parents nip it in the bud before then.

Have you seen this in 3rd grade (or even before) and how have you dealt with it? Do you think the parents will stop this behavior or do they even admit it??

Edit:

I'm including the links to this post that I had added in a reply below, just in case anyone misses that. I really think the site and books are very helpful.

http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisinggirls/friends/elem2.html

And very good books:

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Troubles/dp/1584857110

http://www.amazon.com/Feelings-Book-Keeping-Emotions-American/dp/1584855282/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/178-8681040-1147333

by on Sep. 23, 2009 at 9:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
marybeth697
by on Sep. 24, 2009 at 10:25 AM

My daughter is in the third grade and I have seen this problem since first grade. Just last week there was an incident where her bff since first grade was inviting three friends to go to a funplex to celebrate her birthday. She told my dd she couldn't go. Now I normally just blow things off because I don't want to say the wrong thing; but insidse I was boiling! This child is at my house often and I have taken her all over and paid for everything she has done with us. I couldn't believe how mean that was! My dd was soo upset! I agreed with her that that was really upseting but how hard it is when you have to decide which friends to take. It wasn't so much the incident itself=it was how the little girl told my dd and another little girl who she practically lives at her house.

LiveLoveLaugh
by on Sep. 24, 2009 at 11:11 AM

I feel your pain! I was upset when my daughter, (last year in 2nd grade), was initially invited and then left out of a slumber party that a close friend only invited 3 girls to. She was just mean about it and rubbed it in. To be invited, by her Mom and the friend about a month before and then she invited someone else in her place. It hurts to see your child hurt but I guess they have to learn about these things sooner or later and we just have to try to soften the blow for them. And let them know that they can just continue being the best person they can be so they can be proud of themselves. I started to see this girl's true colors after that, she is new in school and they were stuck together like glue for the first 6 months of school. But now I see how she is very two-faced and I've tried to help my daughter realize who is and isn't a good friend or a true friend. Too bad this one is seemingly a "frenemy" right now...

There are good books out about friendships, we need them when we're dealing with girls' friendships at this age and beyond! Here is a great link on PBS, you will love it and it's very helpful:

http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisinggirls/friends/elem2.html

And very good books:

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Troubles/dp/1584857110

http://www.amazon.com/Feelings-Book-Keeping-Emotions-American/dp/1584855282/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/178-8681040-1147333

Quoting marybeth697:

My daughter is in the third grade and I have seen this problem since first grade. Just last week there was an incident where her bff since first grade was inviting three friends to go to a funplex to celebrate her birthday. She told my dd she couldn't go. Now I normally just blow things off because I don't want to say the wrong thing; but insidse I was boiling! This child is at my house often and I have taken her all over and paid for everything she has done with us. I couldn't believe how mean that was! My dd was soo upset! I agreed with her that that was really upseting but how hard it is when you have to decide which friends to take. It wasn't so much the incident itself=it was how the little girl told my dd and another little girl who she practically lives at her house.

 

marybeth697
by on Sep. 25, 2009 at 11:02 AM

Thank you for the links. I just get so upset. Yesterday this little girl told my dd she was going to call her right after school and have her over for a playdate. This child's phone is shut off so they can never answer calls. She never called and my dd sat on the couch for over an hour with tears streaming down her face and holding the phone! It broke my heart!

littletategoi
by on Sep. 25, 2009 at 11:48 AM

Well, ours started in Pre-K. the last week of school i was told my DD was picking on another girl..saying her dress was ugly..ect. i was devestated..phoned the mom. The mom said her dd didn't want to go to school becuase my dd was being mean to her.

I asked the teacher why i was just hearing about this the last week of school...and got a vag answer.

So, i talk to my DD and she fully admits to it (she usually tells the truth) but says the other girl is mean to..ummmm... At the end of the year picinc i set with the other girl and her mother..bossy little thing. The teacher had the kids playing games, but he little girl didn't want to play. She told me my dd was being mean to her...I said..no she's playing with the class..the girl stomped her foot at me and said "NO!" i want her to play with me. Her mother just stood there!

As it turns out it was more the other girl causing the problem and my DD had enough.

So, in the end..we dealt with by dd behavior - what she said still wasn't ok..but i was suprised this started so early.

Now we are in Kindergarten and there is a new little girl who likes to tell my DD how short she is, she doesn't like her..ect...I'm trying to direct her how to deal with this little girl, but here we go again, i'm afraid.

 

 

 

weaveress
by Bronze Member on Sep. 25, 2009 at 12:05 PM

my daughter has had multiple girls the last five years( from pre-k to 3rd) that I would consider mean girls. they are just bratty bossy for lack of a better word little bitches. that i do not want my daughter to hang around with. it amazes me every year she has gotten atleast one of them in her class. One of them has even stolen my daughters pencils, hair barrettes, etc and the teacher blamed my daughter when she tried to get them back. We have spoken to the principal about this. And theres nothing they can do because no proof of whose it is. So everything now has her initals or name on it. Even the underside of her barrettes.

boy on a swingshooting photowearing crownpregnant belly

PSReal
by on Sep. 25, 2009 at 12:09 PM

On a positive note, last year my daughter was in second grade and many of the girls decided they were going to start "secret clubs".  This was merely a way for the girls to exert control over the other girls.  When the girls would ask my daughter if she wanted to be in their club, she said, No, I don't want to be in anyone's club, and she never did.  She said, Mom, I see what happens in these clubs and the only thing that happens is that the person who has the club thinks she can boss you around."

She also had a boy in her class that was perhaps lower in the socio-economic strata if you will and all the other kids picked on him.  He never had a snack for snack time, so the teacher used to make him do chores around the classroom during snack time.  My daughter came home and told me about it and said she thought it was wrong, so we started sending in a snack every day for him.  He loved it and believe it or not, the other kids started changing the way they treated this little boy.  Before long, he had friends (not everyone in the class changed over, but enough of them did that the ones who did would stick up for him when he got picked on by the other kids), and some of the kids even wanted to help out with bringing in a snack for him. 

I absolutely hate some of the things my daughter comes home to tell me, but in some cases, we can make a difference.

LiveLoveLaugh
by on Sep. 25, 2009 at 1:53 PM

That was so sweet of you to do, I would feel the same way! Maybe the teacher had him help around the class just so he had something to do while everyone else ate their snacks instead of just watching the kids eat. I don't know why the teacher couldn't just get a cheap bag of animal crackers or something to give to him-I know I would if I were the teacher. I know it's not her place, but if it's just this one child who is being picked on, why not? I hope she spoke to the class about how to treat others! Did she?? I would hope so. Anyway, you did a great thing and you taught your child compassion-which is deters bullying. If a child knows how to feel compassion for others, they will not want to bully or hurt others. It's those who cannot feel compassion who hurt others, and could end up doing worse things as they are adults without compassion!! That is so scary. It is so important to teach our children compassion for others by example.

Quoting PSReal:

On a positive note, last year my daughter was in second grade and many of the girls decided they were going to start "secret clubs".  This was merely a way for the girls to exert control over the other girls.  When the girls would ask my daughter if she wanted to be in their club, she said, No, I don't want to be in anyone's club, and she never did.  She said, Mom, I see what happens in these clubs and the only thing that happens is that the person who has the club thinks she can boss you around."

She also had a boy in her class that was perhaps lower in the socio-economic strata if you will and all the other kids picked on him.  He never had a snack for snack time, so the teacher used to make him do chores around the classroom during snack time.  My daughter came home and told me about it and said she thought it was wrong, so we started sending in a snack every day for him.  He loved it and believe it or not, the other kids started changing the way they treated this little boy.  Before long, he had friends (not everyone in the class changed over, but enough of them did that the ones who did would stick up for him when he got picked on by the other kids), and some of the kids even wanted to help out with bringing in a snack for him. 

I absolutely hate some of the things my daughter comes home to tell me, but in some cases, we can make a difference.


PSReal
by on Sep. 27, 2009 at 9:58 AM

Thank you, but sadly, no, the teacher, when I spoke to her about it, said her husband was having a fit about her providing snacks for kids who don't have them, so she was really no help.  It didn't make sense to me either why she couldn't just buy a large bag of pretzels or something--I mean, really, they are only a dollar or two and would last quite a while. 

In any event, it was a great experience and the little boy loved being included and would say, hey, look what I got! 

mom2mybabes
by on Sep. 27, 2009 at 1:32 PM

Reading the replies made me so upset... Its hard teaching our young daughters how to deal with mean children and bullies but unfortunately, we must teach them in order for them to know how to protect themselves. I just thought I wouldn't have to teach my daughter at such a young age..

In Kindergarden, I had the problem with mean girls and as soon as I found out about it, I immediately addressed the issue. I didn't want this to progress into something that would devastate my daughter or allow the mean/bully girls to get away with what they were doing.

After speaking with the principal, a counselor was assigned to each girl. Every Wednesday, the girls would meet with the counselor for 30 minutes to talk about concerns the kids had but really to get a feel at where the anger was coming from. I invited each girl to my house one on one to play with my daughter, to see for myself "who" the bully was. Instead of the girls bickering or arguing, they actually played together very well. Never had anymore problems with the mean girls.

Heartlight617
by on Sep. 27, 2009 at 9:33 PM
I can only speak from old experience, as my daughter is 23 now. She had a few 'friends' who always picked her apart when they played. One girl tried to 'verify' or 'confirm' everything my daughter or any of the girls said! She was very controlling and manipulative. Another girl always asked my daughter questions like,"How come your skin tone is uneven?" (it wasn't) "Why don't you dress more like a girl?" I mean, who wears dresses at the beach, or bike riding? Oh, it used to infuriate me!I let my daughter deal with it on her own, but with guidance. I once asked her, after a nice play date with her best friend,if this wasn't the way you should feel when with friends? She answered,"Yes!" I tried to remind her every time she was around the other two girls she felt like tearing her hair out! She came back crying from frustration at times. She finally started to realize SHE had the power-to disengage and play with kids who made her happy. I now have a son, and believe me, so much easier! Even the ones who have attitude seem to be the sons of girls who were queen bees themselves! lol There was a book written a couple of years ago about this very subject!
Carol
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