What not to say to someone who has lost a child...long...Old, but something I read made me want to repost....

While reading another post about a mom losing her baby, I see so so many heartfelt & well intentioned replies.  Some of them though, honestly are hurtful without meaning to be.  So, I thought some of us who have "been there" can maybe help people understand what we would really rather not have heard, or continue to hear while dealing with such a loss.  I don't expect to speak for everyone who's been through this, but I find that there's a lot of us who think similarly on this one....

So, here are a few that were painful for me to hear...

"It's God's will"
This is & always will be my number 1 thing not to say.  Quite frankly many of us are a little peeved at God immediately following the loss.  We either (1) don't care to talk about God at all, (2) don't believe in God in the same way you do, or (3) don't feel that our God would put us through such pain.  We don't understand.  We feel like we're being punished.  We don't want to hear how God thinks this is best for us.

"At least you still have your other children"
Dosen't make this any less painful.

"At least you can still have another child." or "Are you going to try to have another child?"
It's not like ordering a repacement part for a car, or a new gravy boat as to not ruin a set of china.  This was our child.  A child we desperately wanted & loved.  We don't want another child, we want this one....and we can't have them.  The thought of trying again hasn't even occurred to us, & usually is a terrifying thought based on what we've just experienced.


"I know how you feel"
No.  You don't.  Even if you've been there, you don't.  Every situation is different.  Every person grieves differently.  You have no idea how I feel, and I pray you never will.

"It's probably for the best"
I got this one a lot.  My marriage was a wreck & my ex & I divorced several months after losing my daughter.  People told me how much better off I was that I didn't have to go through all of that with 2 children.  People are crazy.  I would have done anything to have my child with me.  Regardless of the situation it is never, ever, in our minds going to be "for the best."



I hope all of this doesn't come off too harsh.  I know people mean well, but sometimes don't realize how what they're saying will be interpreted.  Btw, I didn't read all of these things in the post I mentioned earlier, just a few, & I added others I've heard in "real life."  Honestly, the best things to say are just "I'm sorry,"   "I'm thinking of you," and maybe, "is there anything I can do for you."  And don't think we don't want to talk about it, don't think that we will ever forget.  Most of us want to know our child is remembered, & thought of, & loved by people other than us.  That their presence on this earth however brief touched people's hearts.  So don't be afraid to say "I'm remembering you & your child today."  For many that's a great comfort.

I hope some other moms will add some other tips that I may not have thought of.  Hugs to all of you....







Edit....
I really hope everyone understands that I KNOW no one really knows what to say.  I KNOW that you say what you think will comfort them.  I KNOW the intentions are good.  I'm not criticizing, I was only trying to offer advice because I, my best friend, & 2 of my sister in law's have all lost children in various stages of pregnancy & childhood.  As a general rule these are the things that we found difficult to hear.  It's not that we were offended, or hated the person saying them, simply that they were not helpful to us, and in some cases did cause us more pain.