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possibly abusive, for a friend who won't do it herself. I'll give as many details as I can to be impartial pretty long because of it. ETA

Posted by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:28 AM
  • 23 Replies

Ok so a friend,  let's call her Hope is married with two small children, 4 months and 2 years.  Saturday the husband went hunting for the day and to a bachelor party that night so he couldn't have thanksgiving dinner at her parents.  She didn't really care because she went out with the baby and a friend in the morning leaving the two year old with her parent's (they were in toddler withdrawl lol).  She had spent thursday night and friday night at her parent's because he wasn't home (work training thursday night and out with friends friday both nights till late but not all night) she had both children alone tuesday and wednesday night for training and I can't remember why wednesday. 

Sunday was to be his family walk and thanksgiving dinner.  She knew it was sometime in the middle of the day so she had to try to get the baby to sleep and the toddler for an early nap so both were in a good mood for his family.  Most of them hadn't seen the baby yet.  She texted her husband,  didn't call since it was around 7 am,  telling him to let her know when they were leaving so she could come get him (she had the only vehicle in the household).  He hadn't told her anything about when to go or to wake him up at a certain time or anything. Everything she knew besides what day was from the year before.

Now sunday she got the kids sleeping and got herself ready by 10 so when he texted or called she could just go get him and not spend forever getting ready.  His mom calls her at 12 30 asking if they were coming.  She told her not at the moment,  he went to a bachelor party the night before and is still in bed and hasn't contacted her but that as soon as he got up they'd be over.  She texted him again asking what's going on. O and a side note is that he always plugs his phone in next to the bed when he goes to sleep because the  battery sucks.  He didn't answer so she texted him again and said she was going for a walk with her family.  

She got back and he called at 2 30.  Over the phone he was quite loud asking why the f*ck she hadn't gotten him up and that she should think for herself for once and called her a stupid bitch.  She quietly asked him to stop being nasty to her and he hung up.  He texted her and asked if she was coming to get him and she replied that she was.  She left the kids at her parents since they'd have to drive right by there and her mom could get the kids ready therefor saving time.  She pulls in the driveway and he checks for the kids.  She explained why they weren't there and he went on about how stupid she was.  On the drive she told him she didn't appreciate being blamed for him sleeping in as he didn't ask her to wake him and he decided to stay out so late and drink so much and not set his alarm.  He yelled at her that it died and wasn't plugged in to which she asked how she was supposed to know that?  He yelled for a good 2 minutes how she should have known and how much of a stupid bitch she was.  When she protested he told her to shut up.  She asked how it's fair that he could tell her to shut up but she couldn't tell him.  He said that's just how it is and to shut the f*ck up.  She started to say something and he demanded to be let out.  She wasn't going to let him out in some random spot so she took him home and went back to her parents. He told her to not even bother coming home.

He text her and told her that everyone wants to see her and the boys and asks if she was coming.  She said she was still hurt from before and he just said "ok".  About 15 mins he called and apologized but since he was already at the family dinner she suspects he was pushed into it. 

Now today he goes off to work, doesn't kiss her goodbye or even say goodbye because apparently he couldn't find a pair of socks.  She's backed up on folding laundry.  She told him she didn't know if there were matching socks in the hamper.  He called her a stupid bitch again.  He kissed the kids and left.

Now what do I tell her?  She wants to work things out but he refuses counselling.

Sorry for being so long but I wanted to give as impartial a view as I could.  Thanks

To answer some questions he isn't always like this,  I've seen him be really nice.  Sometimes he takes the oldest boy and gives her money to go out with (just to like starbucks but they don't have alot either).  The excessive name calling is new for about a month now.  Although it was happening every once in a while before.  He has threatened (quite some time ago) to hit her but never has and hasn't threatened since

by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:28 AM
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Replies (1-10):
rowansmum
by Gold Member on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:38 AM

I know it's long but please?  Or bump?

1-teen-mommy
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:42 AM

i would tell her to not worry about working it out! if he is being so mean now it could escalate in the future to something worse

1-teen-mommy
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:42 AM

bump

abbyleigh
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:43 AM

No one deserves to be talked to like that.  If he won't see the error of his ways on his own and refuses counseling, it may be a good idea to consider separation.

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Rebeccaroe
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:44 AM

oh man i absolutely hate that name.........stupid bitch, i swear only the women who don't deserve to be called this are the ones that do.  It is so far beyond disrespectful.  It will only get worse for your friend.  This kind of man is unreasonable and only makes a half ass effort when it benifits him.  I say run tell her to run as fast as she can and not look back, but seriously i don't think anything you tell her will make a differance.  I'm sorry but women in these situations usually stay for a long time until its beyond bad.

got3innov
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:45 AM

is he like that all the time or just this past week?  i feel men do a pms thing too lol.  mine gets crazy crabby sometimes i jsut ignore and he is usually better in a day or two.  if he doesn't get better i would tell her maybe it isn't worth it.. i also have a friend whose bf wouldnt' do counseling or anything so they just started writing thoughts in a notebook then they would each read it. seemed to help them... just a thought.

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coffeedreams
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:49 AM

From what I can read here he is verbally abusive and neglects his family and self indulgant. If he is refusing any counceling, how will he change? And if he doesn't change, this will continue to be her life. 

Also this type of personality that I am reading here, without help, almost always escalates. She needs to remember that this impacts the kids shoort term and long term.


KatelynsMommy
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:49 AM

He is being verbally abusive and letting out his mess ups and frustrations on her much more than should be tolerated. Putting someone down regularryly like that is abuse and can be incredibly damaging. Did this just start or has he always been like this? I'm afraid there isn't anything that you can do but try to be there for your friend and let her know that she deserves to be treated better and isn't to blame for these things. I say that because after you hear something enough, sometimes, as much as you once knew it was just crazy talk, it can become true to you. I hope things work out for your friend.

AmelieH
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:54 AM

 Look, if he absolutely refuses to do any marriage counseling or even anger management, and continues to treat her like dirt beneath his feet, she needs to get out of there.  He has to be willing to change in order for their to be improvement.  She should think about her kids, and whether she wants them to grow up thinking that kind of treatment is ok.  I wish her the best of luck, and sometimes leaving is the wake up call the other person needs to get help.

scootermom
by on Oct. 12, 2009 at 9:56 AM


Quoting abbyleigh:

No one deserves to be talked to like that.  If he won't see the error of his ways on his own and refuses counseling, it may be a good idea to consider separation.

Agreed.  I was in a situation like that for 9 years.  Luckily mine never hit me, but as far as calling me names i went on a daily basis with being called a biatch, cunt, stupid, etc.  The list of names he called me is never ending.  If she can't or won't get out of this situation won't do it for her own sake, tell her that she should do it for her two small children.  That environment will affect her two small children negatively in a way that i can't voice.  But if she is a really good friend of yours i would tell her that it's her choice, and come what may you will be there for her to help pick up the pieces when it crumbles.  There will come a day where guaranteed it will crumble if he dosen't get any help.   And even if she has to go to counseling alone she should go regardless.  Being in a situation like that does something to your self-worth, self-esteem so she may feel that for some reason or another she can't do any better, and that she deserves to be with him and hurt.  Which is totally untrue!!!!

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