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Does this sound like a healthy or normal life for an 8 year old?

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 12:50 PM
  • 5 Replies

As a disclaimer, I do know that there are all types of families and there is no one normal when it comes to family life.

For 2-3 years DH has been fighting for increased visitation/custody of SS. The maternal grandma has primary physical and joint legal, and the BM has no legal rights at all. It's a long story how custody was lost in the first place, but that isn't the point of my post(though some of you know the story). BM's custody  was never an issue really because BM lived with the maternal grandma and so got to see SS whenever she wanted. She never went to court to ask for rights of her own. DH had SS 2 days a week, then the rest of the week he was at his grandma's house. Despite DH going back numerous times to increase his visitation, it was determined by a psychologist and agreed by the judge and GAD that more than 2 days a week might be disruptive to SS's sense of stability.

2 weeks ago BM moved out of grandma's and in with her new boyfriend. She demanded from grandma, and was given, 3 days a week with SS. So now he spends mon & tues sleeping at his grandmas, wed and thurs with us, and friday thru sunday at his mom and her boyfriends. And grandma has no objections, despite her total resistance to allowing DH more visitation because of "stability". Does this NEW schedule sound stable or healthy to you?

This week SS asked if he could stay the weekend with us because he doesn't like sleeping at his mom's new place(no room of his own), and they aren't planning on trick or treating with him. He also asked why he has to leave our house after 2 days. He gets very upset and frustrated when we try to explain it to him without being negative, because it always comes off sounding like we are okay with the situation. We don't want to demonize anyone. But we also hate not being able to tell him we wish he was with us more.

It's so frustrating!

CafeMom Tickers
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 12:50 PM
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Replies (1-5):
gettinserious
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 12:54 PM

I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but a couple of things jump out at me.

  1. you dh now has "ammunition" (for lack of a better word) to go back to the courts - BM has NO custody rights yet has the child more than dh who has joint custody?!  That can NOT be allowed.
  2. it's perfectly OK to let the child know that you wish you could be together more and that you're continuing to work with the courts to make that happen.  You're not demonizing anyone by being honest about YOUR feelings for the child...



SunnyJoJo
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 12:57 PM

This is what I was thinking to. Good luck

Quoting gettinserious:

I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but a couple of things jump out at me.

  1. you dh now has "ammunition" (for lack of a better word) to go back to the courts - BM has NO custody rights yet has the child more than dh who has joint custody?!  That can NOT be allowed.
  2. it's perfectly OK to let the child know that you wish you could be together more and that you're continuing to work with the courts to make that happen.  You're not demonizing anyone by being honest about YOUR feelings for the child...



                                                     HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

devasmom
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:00 PM

Double Ditto!!! Poor little guy. If it's possible, I would see if you and DH can get full physical custody and let the grandma have the visitations. Since obviously she is not following a court order.

Quoting SunnyJoJo:

This is what I was thinking to. Good luck

Quoting gettinserious:

I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but a couple of things jump out at me.

  1. you dh now has "ammunition" (for lack of a better word) to go back to the courts - BM has NO custody rights yet has the child more than dh who has joint custody?!  That can NOT be allowed.
  2. it's perfectly OK to let the child know that you wish you could be together more and that you're continuing to work with the courts to make that happen.  You're not demonizing anyone by being honest about YOUR feelings for the child...




of 6of 3 beautiful girls

abstractmommy
by Ruby Member on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:01 PM

The psychologist told us it was better for SS if we acted as though we were in agreement with the custody situation. She said that telling him otherwise would force him to pick sides.

Quoting SunnyJoJo:

This is what I was thinking to. Good luck

Quoting gettinserious:

I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but a couple of things jump out at me.

  1. you dh now has "ammunition" (for lack of a better word) to go back to the courts - BM has NO custody rights yet has the child more than dh who has joint custody?!  That can NOT be allowed.
  2. it's perfectly OK to let the child know that you wish you could be together more and that you're continuing to work with the courts to make that happen.  You're not demonizing anyone by being honest about YOUR feelings for the child...




gettinserious
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:06 PM

It's not the psychologist's child...and obviously it's NOT better for SS since he's upset that you don't seem to "care" that he's not with you longer...I would still let him know that you and dh love him very much and wish he could be with you more.  You're not telling him to hate his mom or grandma - just that YOU love and want him.  No harm there-not asking for HIM to choose anyone.

Quoting abstractmommy:

The psychologist told us it was better for SS if we acted as though we were in agreement with the custody situation. She said that telling him otherwise would force him to pick sides.

Quoting SunnyJoJo:

This is what I was thinking to. Good luck

Quoting gettinserious:

I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but a couple of things jump out at me.

  1. you dh now has "ammunition" (for lack of a better word) to go back to the courts - BM has NO custody rights yet has the child more than dh who has joint custody?!  That can NOT be allowed.
  2. it's perfectly OK to let the child know that you wish you could be together more and that you're continuing to work with the courts to make that happen.  You're not demonizing anyone by being honest about YOUR feelings for the child...






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