Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

A little advice...? DH and porn (kinda long, but plz help!)

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:31 PM
  • 36 Replies

 Just like most men, My DH likes watching porn. We used to watch it together when we 1st got married. Then he started watching it more and more by himself... he'd even take the comp into the bathroom to "soak". Well, it started to bother me to the point that I just didn't wanna watch it AT ALL and resented the fact that he watched it by himself. I didn't say anything for a while until one day he came to get my comp (yes, it's mine-laptop) and I snapped at him NO! Then I proceeded to tell him how it makes me feel when he watches it while I'm just right there in the other room. Why does he need that, when I'm there? He said he had no idea it made me feel that way and said he wouldn't watch it anymore.
Well, that was less than a year ago, and since then, I've busted him 3 times- 2x on my comp and once using his dad's laptop.
It's been a HUGE issue. Makes me feel ugly, like I'm not enough for him... esp after looking at the kind of things he googles for. I've been told that I'm giving the porn too much power. That I'm making it too personal. But I don't know how to deal with this. As far as I know, he's never cheated on me. But I don't go looking up big ole Cocks online b/c his is the only one I want!

Anybody have any suggestions as to how to deal with this? My friends all tell me what I wanna hear. But that's not fixing anything. I don't wanna fight about this anymore. I don't need to hear what a Sh*t bag he is. I need to know how to not let it hurt me like it does.

Anybody?

by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:31 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
mandalouwhotn
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:34 PM

You changed the rules.  You married him liking porn and because your views have changed you can't get mad at him for it, just because his views didn't.  If hes a shitbag now, which I don't think he is, he was a shitbag when you married him, you were just ok with it.  You cannot just up and make new rules for grown adults.  He is not a child, he is your husband.  If you tell him how you feel and he still looks at porn then you ahve to decide either to dealwith it or cause a fight and try and stop it or leave.

sheilabug
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:35 PM

idk what to tell you but sorry :(      its really unnacceptable that he continues looking at it even after you told him how it makes you feel. 

SahMa
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:39 PM


Quoting mandalouwhotn:

You changed the rules.  You married him liking porn and because your views have changed you can't get mad at him for it, just because his views didn't.  If hes a shitbag now, which I don't think he is, he was a shitbag when you married him, you were just ok with it.  You cannot just up and make new rules for grown adults.  He is not a child, he is your husband.  If you tell him how you feel and he still looks at porn then you ahve to decide either to dealwith it or cause a fight and try and stop it or leave.

Yeah, thanks. I get that. I'm not asking how to make him stop watching it. I'm asking if anyone has anyadvice on how to deal with it. And, no. He's not a shitbag. I was saying that's what my friends say...trying to side with me instead of helping me deal!

mandalouwhotn
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:40 PM

Ok, what part are you trying to deal with?

Quoting SahMa:


Quoting mandalouwhotn:

You changed the rules.  You married him liking porn and because your views have changed you can't get mad at him for it, just because his views didn't.  If hes a shitbag now, which I don't think he is, he was a shitbag when you married him, you were just ok with it.  You cannot just up and make new rules for grown adults.  He is not a child, he is your husband.  If you tell him how you feel and he still looks at porn then you ahve to decide either to dealwith it or cause a fight and try and stop it or leave.

Yeah, thanks. I get that. I'm not asking how to make him stop watching it. I'm asking if anyone has anyadvice on how to deal with it. And, no. He's not a shitbag. I was saying that's what my friends say...trying to side with me instead of helping me deal!


TheresaMomof9
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:41 PM

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. A few thoughts-

First, most men do not look at porn. Perhaps in the circle of people you know, or with the women who post here maybe, but I doubt in real life. Many men don't so don't feel like you have to put up with it.


Second, I don't blame you at all for the way you feel. Sex is meant to be a loving, fun, exciting PRIVATE thing between a husband and his wife, not add a third party, even if she's just digital. You cannot 'get used' to porn, unless you deaden your senses. It will likely get worse if you put up with it. That being said, it's not your fault your hubby looks at it. You're a beautiful woman and it's HIS issue.


Third, looking at porn is often a sign of weakness, one that a man struggles with. It doesn't mean he isn't a good person. We all have weaknesses and bad habits. None of us is perfect. Porn can be destructive to a marriage, but it can be overcome. Here are some resources that might help:

EVERYMAN'S BATTLE: WINNING THE WAR ON SEXUAL TEMPTATION


AN AFFAIR OF THE MIND  (this last one is written by a woman who was hurt deeply by porn. It includes information on how to deal with it, resources, etc.)

Good luck! {{hugs}}


Theresa



Did you know about the abortion/breast cancer link? Click here.


pink ribbon

prego7386
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:42 PM

what is it about yourself that you don't like? can these things be fixed? take the steps to do so...it is obviously not a moral issue since you had no problem before and you said yourself "why is he looking at it when im right there it makes me feel ugly" maybe you are making yourself feel ugly more than his actions are .... i hope this came out right...im not bashing you but that is what i got form this situation

LuvmySFSGT
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:43 PM

This is a post on here almost every day...

Based off the history I would say you have 2 options.

Accept that he watches it and does not respect you enough to be honest about it...or respect your feelings on it.

Or....

Leave him.

SahMa
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:44 PM


Quoting mandalouwhotn:

Ok, what part are you trying to deal with?

Quoting SahMa:


Quoting mandalouwhotn:

You changed the rules.  You married him liking porn and because your views have changed you can't get mad at him for it, just because his views didn't.  If hes a shitbag now, which I don't think he is, he was a shitbag when you married him, you were just ok with it.  You cannot just up and make new rules for grown adults.  He is not a child, he is your husband.  If you tell him how you feel and he still looks at porn then you ahve to decide either to dealwith it or cause a fight and try and stop it or leave.

Yeah, thanks. I get that. I'm not asking how to make him stop watching it. I'm asking if anyone has anyadvice on how to deal with it. And, no. He's not a shitbag. I was saying that's what my friends say...trying to side with me instead of helping me deal!

 

The fact that he wants to look at other naked women (w/o me). And the fact that he's doing it anyway knowing it makes me feel ugly and insufficient. I think I just need a different way of looking at the situation to where it doesn't hurt so much.

Lindasmama
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:45 PM

I caught dh watchingporn late one night,it was right after we had just had sex and I went to bed said he was coming and 3 hrs ;later I wake up and hes not there,I come in here to the comp room and scared teh shit out of him!! He denied it!Clicked everythign off and still denies it.I know he was.It makes me feel ugly and worthless since we had justr had sex:(

LuvmySFSGT
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:45 PM


Quoting SahMa:


Quoting mandalouwhotn:

Ok, what part are you trying to deal with?

Quoting SahMa:


Quoting mandalouwhotn:

You changed the rules.  You married him liking porn and because your views have changed you can't get mad at him for it, just because his views didn't.  If hes a shitbag now, which I don't think he is, he was a shitbag when you married him, you were just ok with it.  You cannot just up and make new rules for grown adults.  He is not a child, he is your husband.  If you tell him how you feel and he still looks at porn then you ahve to decide either to dealwith it or cause a fight and try and stop it or leave.

Yeah, thanks. I get that. I'm not asking how to make him stop watching it. I'm asking if anyone has anyadvice on how to deal with it. And, no. He's not a shitbag. I was saying that's what my friends say...trying to side with me instead of helping me deal!


The fact that he wants to look at other naked women (w/o me). And the fact that he's doing it anyway knowing it makes me feel ugly and insufficient. I think I just need a different way of looking at the situation to where it doesn't hurt so much.

Does he do it without you because you no longer want to watch it?

Or is he choosing the porn over you?

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)