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What is the secret to a long marriage?

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:25 PM
  • 68 Replies

I never saw "normal marriage" in my life.
My mom and dad conceived me the first time they met, married because it was the 'right" thing to do. Obviously didn't last.
My grandmother was married to the man who molested her daughter and beat her sons to the point one killed himself because he couldn't take it anymore. Because she didn't want to be "alone" 
My other grandmother's husband left her long before I was born because she got Multiple Sclerosis.
I have not had very good role models! DH has! His parents were completly in love until the day his dad passed away! They had 10 children and DH only says good thing about them! He even named his son after his dad and DD is named after MIL.
The other post got me thinking! All these parents have been married 25-40 years! How?
What's the secret to making it last that long?
I thnk I am doing pretty well. I have been married almost 5 years now. DH and I have a pretty good marriage besides some issues that we are working out with communication.
Is there any tips? Anything you saw from your parents marriage or your own that you can give?

by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mommywife06
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:34 PM

Well not my parents per sey they are divorced and my dad and stepmom (been together 20 years) cant get married because she will lose her insurance(she is epileptic) and its too expensive to buy her medicine. But from MY own personal experience I think this is what makes a long marriage(and we have been only married for 4 years going on 5 but we have been through hell and back mulitple times)

Compromise. On things you can. Just like with kids, pick your battles and compromise. Arguing is normal but every day arguments can lead to resentment, more anger and built up hatred that will turn ugly one day

Live. Live in your marriage like today is the last day(I know cliche lol) but its true. Tell your SO how you feel. Even if its angry feelings, sad feelings dont hold back and dont be afraid of what they will say. Dont be afraid to let it out. Show them that you appreciate them and you love them.

Keeping the fire. Every so often(we do it on the day we got together and our wedding anniversary) we will plan a romantic night for one another. Surprise the other one. Just anything romantic. Go all out (even if you have no money you can)

Communication. Like I have previously stated. Its important to talk. Good or bad. Doesnt matter. Just talk about how your feeling, what made you feel that way.

Let it go. Past arguements, past infedilities(if there was any and you chose to stay) let it go. Dont bring it up in present or future arguements. It leads towards resentment, anger, hatred, more arguements, and of course the trust. If you cannot leave it in the past(trust me I know hard to forget) then you havent truly forgiven like you say you have.

So far thats what I have figured out. And we are happier than ever now!

Christy644
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:36 PM

Awkward silence here LOL

BabyinAug08
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:37 PM

To get rid of my DH and find a "dream man" lol. IDK because ours seems to be on a slippery slope. We have a great relationship but my in-laws and I cannot get along and it causes tension for my DH. I do feel bad about it but the only way around it is too stay away from my in-laws and then my DH feels frustrated that I don't go with him when he goes out with his family so IDK/.


Shannonrae742
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:37 PM

My parents are horrible examples of marriage but like you,  my inlaws marriage is to be idolized. I think the key is never forgetting how much you need each other, appreciating each other, communication, compromise and being each other's very best friend.

My husband and I have been married almost 7 years. There isn't one time in our marriage that I've thought "marriage is hard". Being married to my husband is the easiest thing I've ever done and I think it's because he was raised with a fabulous example of how to treat your wife and I just knew to never treat my husband like my mother treated hers. LOL

Mel30248
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:39 PM

Well I'm not married & I've only been with my SO for three years which is the longest relationship that I've ever had. We def have our problems but we're trying to work through them. The one thing that I have heard a million times over from people who have been married a long time is that they had their good years & their bad years. So when I feel like giving up on our battle I just remember this that maybe we're just in a bad year & next year will be a good year & that's life outside of a relationship anyway, you have your bad times & your good times.

I also agree with the PP about compromise. We are constantly compromiseing & especially when it comes to our daughter we do what is in the best interest overall for her so even though its not exactly what you want to do we constantly will compromise to make sure shes safe. We do this with everything, sometimes one of us will be strong headed about something but mostly we'll just meet inthe middle making us both pretty happy in the end.

I really wish I had the magic answer but I dont & I'm figuring all these type of things out on my own as well. Maybe others will answer with good advice!

mama310583
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:40 PM

i would think its love , trust and respect...

Kim24kids
by Silver Member on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:42 PM

 My parents have been married almost 30 years....I saw Love ,communication and deff respect ..just be there for one another I guess..

Hubby and I are Highschool sweethearts and soul mates I couldn't have been more blessed!

Going on 15 years now!!

 

kamsmw
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:43 PM

Tough question! Like you, I don't think there is a "normal" marriage. I don't even know what normal is.

But when I think of a successful marriage, I think about my Grandparents. My Gram & Grampa were married 57+ years, until the day my Gram died (2 weeks ago today). They LOVED each other...it was in the way they looked at each other, the respectful way they treated each other, and the way they didn't sweat the small stuff. For them, at the end of the day, they made sure the other knew how much they were loved. Now I can see it in my Grandpa's face everyday...the sorrow of missing my Gram.

If my husband and I can have even a half of that, I'll take it.:) and a long marriage.

trkrwyf
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:46 PM

i am not sure i can tell you what my 2nd marriage has that my 1st didnt that seems to be making it better

we talk and we talk and if we cant talk we text....and if we cant agree ...we agree to disagree (except when it comes to the kids...that has to become a firm decision agreed on by both so kids dont play sides)

we hold hands....every happy old married couple i have ever seen does that so it must work...LoL

my husband wasnt always a trucker he used to be a manager for a pizza company and he was home nightly....now i am lucky to have him home 3 days a month i have learned its about quality time .......every few months or so we do a date night...sometime its dinner and a movie...sometimes we go to dinner get a hotel room drag our dvd player and rent movies and cuddle. but i think taking time to spend together alone is very important...and to make that time like it was when you were dating...NO KIDS!!!! and a must to the date night...you dont discuss kids or problems of the day...

 

 

 








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beadingmom17
by Rachel on Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:46 PM

From what I've learned from my parents:  COMMUNICATION, trust, respect, and love.  They've been married 26 years as of this past August...and I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen them fight!

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