PPD...... please read it's long but serious.. i feel lost ****EDIT FOR THE DR OFFICE VISIT THIS MORNING**** (long edit)
So it's been 2 months since i gave birth to my wonderful little boy, within these 2 months i've been spiraling down hill. I constantly worry about the smallest of things, i have mood swings about every hour, i cry at the tip of a hat, and i've been absolutely exhausted for no reason. i love my little boy and i don't want anyone to think that it's him that's getting to me. it's not! but i feel like he and df are the ones that are suffering the worst. our house as very few windows.... so it's stays dark inside all day long, well i've gotten to where i don't like leaving the bedroom except for work, i lay around all day in the dark taking care of my son. i have always had an ok self esteem, i never really cared what anyone else thought of me.. now i don't even like to look at myself in the mirror, i hate getting undressed even just to take a shower, i was unfortunate and got stretch marks during my pregnancy, now i weigh about 145 and my body is just ugly to me, i don't even see why my df is still with me, and i've been questioning his love for me, and if i am still what he wants and desires. he says he's more in love with me now than ever since our new little edition. i've tried to explain that it would be nice to hear im pretty once in a while. well he does and then i get mad at him because i don't see it and i feel like he's lying. i stay up all night just thinking about everything and worrying.. i feel like im living inside of my head. i only talk to my mom, df, and my aunt everyday.. (with the exception of people at work) when i am at work i am in a huge office all by myself which leaves me time to do my uneccesary thinking. i don't want to think that i am becoming depressed but i've told my mom and soon to be mom in law what's been going on and they gave me the advice to talk to my dr. i've always feared of becoming depressed and now i think it's actually happening and it's taking a huge toll on my family. im only 20 years old and feel like this just shouldnt be happening. i come to cafemom to get my mind off things but it never fails that i open a post and it gets me worked up and sends me off into my mood swings, i feel awful about this and scared well i guess more embarrased to talk to my doctor about.... i feel ashamed that i may actually be depressed or somethings wrong with me.
i guess the reason im posting this is to get it off my chest and take the weight of feeling awful off my shoulders before tomorrw (my check-up)
has anyone here experienced post partum depression? was it easy to talk to your doctor? did he ask questions, if so like what?
im just nervous about what my family will think of me..
****EDIT****
ok so this morning i get up at 530 to get ready for my 830 appt- i get to the dr office and sign in, the lady tells me that im not on the schedule for today, i told her i called on October 19th to reschedule my 6 week check up due to me starting my period and she rescheduled me for this morning. the lady says ok, well since i don't have you down i'll check with the dr to see if he can see you some how by working you in. so im cool with that and go sit down. then another lady steps in and calls me back, i walk back to the little room where they usually take my blood pressure and weight and ask a few questions- she said my name is **** and im with billing and the financial dept, i was like ummm ok? she said that my medicaid will not cover my post partum check up today..... i said what? she continued to tell me that i have so many days to get my check up done before my medicaid runs out..... well i explained that i received a letter in the mail today stating that my medicaid will end 12/1/09, she said well i can't help with that it's just the way it is? i asked her why didn't anyone tell me that when i called to reschedule? i told her my original appt was october 19th and when i called she got me in today, how was i supposed to make her put me in any sooner than that? she never said well your medicaid may not cover it that far out... so i tried to explain to her that i'm going through a depression and believe it's post partum depression and i really need to speak with my dr. she went and got another nurse who sat down and asked me some questions about my depression. after i got done explaining i told her that it's serious enough that my mom and future mil is telling me to see someone. she calls the access center and makes an appointment for me to speak with some counselors to be evaluated. she said i may need to be put in a counseling group, see a pyschiatrist, or be put on some medicine.... well i was like how will i afford that if i can't even get my post partum check up? so before i left i was fully in tears almost hyperventilating because i know that it's serious and i really need to talk to my dr. she proceeded to tell me if it gets any worse over the weekend then i need to go admit myself to the hospital's 8th floor... (which is the pyschiatric ward) sooooo how did that make me damn feel??? i left and called my mom to fill her in, she got upset that they let me leave their office as upset as i was when i just finished telling them i think i have ppd.... she told them that if something happens to me or my son they would be held responsible because i reached out for help. they looked through my file and said they didn't even have an original 6 week check up appt in their system, which i have the appointment card at my house that i was givin by them, so the nurse said she would talk to the dr and see what needs/ can be done.... in the meantime i have cried so much my eyes are swollen, and pretty much feel like shit... especially since she said if i need to, go admit myself to the 8th floor... if she thought it was going to get that bad then she should have done something asap..... so now the depression and everything has went down hill for me.. what a great damn day...
Would you be ashamed of a broken arm? Strep throat? Ear infection? This is a treatable medical condition and nothing to be ashamed of. Take care of it before it gets worse...good luck.
im scared that either side of our families might think that because of what's happening with me that i am not taking care of my son, i love every second i spend with him. but i have noticed it's hard for me to actually have *bonding* time with him, i'll sing to him and just break down in tears to where i have to put him down for a while to get myself back together. but there are other times that i just don't want him out of my arms. i laugh all the time at him, i've been pee'd on, spit up on and everything between and i love it, i know it's just a part of having a child. but it's the times that he's sleeping that bothers me... i just wanna stay in a dark room in bed all by myself to cry, or to be mad at something or someone.
Hey, PPD is really common. A lot of women get it, and it's different for every mother. For me, my son's dad left the second I told him I was pregnant, so things were really hard for me. I did great during the entire pregnancy and was REALLY happy and looking forward to being a mommy. After my son was born, he was in NICU for 7 days, and I never left his side. Once we got home, everything changed. I began to worry about EVERYTHING! locks, windows, cat hair from the previous renter, day care, work, EVERYTHING! Honestly, if my sister had not moved in with me when my son was 2 weeks old, I don't know what I would have done. In all honesty, I don't think I really loved my son until he was about 2 months old. It's sad to admit, but he is my entire life now. It does get better, I promise! One easy way to talk about it is when you take your son to his next check up, your Dr. should be asking you questions about PPD. Just be honest with them.
You should never be ashamed to talk about anything with your DR. they are there to help and support you in any way. PPD is a serious condition and it can be treatable. I don't know first hand but my sibling just went through it and she went through some awful moments and didn't want to admit that is what it is that made her feel like she didn't matter. Thank God her husband was there to make her realize that something wasn't right and she got the medication and support she needed.
Getting out of the house is great too. Join some play groups and socialize with other moms, maybe there you will be able to find some good friends that are close in area.
ok first off im soo sorry you feel this way....but plz plz plz go see a dr about it and plz take whatever they perscribe you, it is important it is not something to be embarrased about it is a real disorder and just as leathal as any viral disease!!!! I have had ppd myself, im not sure if it was because she was still born or genuwine ppd but i know its important to try and function. you need to get outside, try taking a stroll w/the lil one even for a short period of time. I know you dont want to get out but you need to thats half the prob, being cooped up and content w/it! i am a hermit naturally and every once in a while i have to get outside and away from the house just so i know home is home not a prison! Plz plz talk to the doctor about it at ur next appt!!! its super serious! good luck and hope you feel better soon!
Quoting rainylittlebug:
i just know that when i see my dr tomorrow and start telling him this im going to lose it and start bawling my eyes out, i already about to just typing about it.
He's seen it all before and worse, believe me
is talking to my ob/gyn dr the one i need to talk to? i go for my 6 wk check up tomorrow (it's actually been 8 weeks but had to reschedule due to aunt flow coming in) if ppd is what's happening to me i just don't want the dr to tell me im fine or 'lets wait and see' and then i get worse, my relationship with my df and my son can't take much more, im not the only one suffering from this i know, i have said many hurtful things to df within the last few days due to my terrible mood swings and i hope he understands it's really not 'me' talking like that.
Quoting rainylittlebug:
is talking to my ob/gyn dr the one i need to talk to? i go for my 6 wk check up tomorrow (it's actually been 8 weeks but had to reschedule due to aunt flow coming in) if ppd is what's happening to me i just don't want the dr to tell me im fine or 'lets wait and see' and then i get worse, my relationship with my df and my son can't take much more, im not the only one suffering from this i know, i have said many hurtful things to df within the last few days due to my terrible mood swings and i hope he understands it's really not 'me' talking like that.
My ob/gyn prescribed an anti-depressant for me after the birth of my daughter, so yes, speak to him tomorrow, don't get embarrased and walk out without saying anything either. I contemplated doing that when I went and yes, I cried while talking to him, but who cares? I took the pills and was feeling more like myself in a week or two.
thanks to all of you for your help and support, i've been trying to keep all of these feelings and thoughts to myself and now it's tearing me apart, df gets mad at me when i try to talk to him and says i need to just stop! or im going crazy because i live in my head all day, it hurts my feelings so bad because i feel like it's true. i hate that i have done this and wish that i would just start feeling like my normal self again and enjoy my son, but it's just not that easy for me.
Ashley's Husband Made it Home From a Deployment in Iraq - And Then Tragedy Struck
- rainylittlebug
on Nov. 5, 2009 at 4:08 PM