Please no bashing... But I feel like horriable mother and person. I'll start by saying that my son is in my parents care and has been since he was 2 months... he is 3 now, and the most handsom man I've ever known. :) I had him taken away b/c of his father and the things he put me through (abuse) and I was dumb enough to follow him. (I did leave him after the incident that got Ashton taken away) I had the oppertunity to get him back and yet again I went the wrong way, with good intention, but I didn't realize that at the time. I moved out of my parents house and in with friends, I couldn't find a good job to get a place of my own, so I started dancing (eventhough I loved it, cps lookes down on those jobs) I went back to seeing his father from time to time and my parents finding out (Very bad, on my part... but I "loved" him, and was compleatly blind by his lies). Still with good intention, I failed and at the time, couldn't figure out why. My mother and I got into it real bad and she prevented me from seeing my son, that lasted for almost 8 months (the stuff I missed out on...).
Anyway. Now I have the best boyfriend in the world the loves me and loves Ashton as his own (Im so lucky to have him) He is so good to me in everyway (and honestly I don't deserve him) and since being with him I've calmed my life down considerably and started to realize where I've been going wrong. I now have my son a few days out of the week and atleast every other weekend. Which is great! But this is where I feel most horriable... I havent bonded with my son (don't get me wrong, I love him more than life itself and would do anything to see him smile). I feel so irritated with him most of the time. He loves to give hugs and kisses and I love that, but he is glued to me and I feel disgusted to say that it gets on my nerves sometimes. (great, I've made myself cry.) I know this is not normal... I really want him around and someday get him back full time... He's been with nana and papaw for so long he has bonded with them and thinks papaw is god (in which Im jealous of, but I know I was my fault)
I'm so selfish with myself (not intentionaly), I feel like I can't give him the love and attention that he needs. I do try to, but I feel like I'm going about it in the wrong way. I yell at him alot, and I don't mean to, but he does stuff just to do it even if you tell him no (I know thats most 3 year olds) But I don't wanna have to spank or yell... I feel like he already dosn't want to be here anyways and I get the feeling he hates me. I almost feel like I neglect him... not in the sense of food, clothes and bath, but emotionally, and I can't pin point exactly where I'm going wrong. The look on his face breaks my heart makes me feel like one of those moms who's son's grow up hating them.
Its taking me alot to come out with this... I feel like I don't deserve him. B/f says I'm doing fine and my parents don't really know the full extent of my feelings, but they try to help with what they know... They have been very supportive. Ashton is an amazing little boy who deserves a better mother than me... and I want to be that better mother... I don't think I know how.
Please don't bash me... I really don't want to feel lower than I already do. I don't know what kind of advice I can get, but any would be helpful. I want a second chance to be the mommy he needs. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for taking the time to read.
*~* Heather *~*
You wont get any bashing from me, hun.
I know how you are feeling. My son is 10yrs old and I feel as if I've never truly bonded with him & for the longest time, felt he would be better off without me.
Story? When I concieved him I was already severely depressed. When he was born I ended up with post-partum depression for almost 2 years & took me 2-3 years after that to "heal".
Go slow. Plan "Mommy & son" time, for just you 2 and no one else. DON'T feel bad about displining him. I did that a lot, I felt like because I hadn't bonded that was a horrible mom to discipline him or even setting rules and routines.
He needs your love and bonding, but he also needs structure in his daily life. Don't feel like you "owe it" to him to be lenient on stuff you feel you normally wouldn't if you hadn't gone through what have.
I love my children very much and let me be one of the first to tell you that -THEY GET ON YOUR NERVES -it's normal. I have a 26, 24, 4, and am raising a 3 yd old granddaughter. Kids are kids yes! but they also know what buttons to push to drive mommy crazy. It is perfectly normal to want them to go play and not hang on you. Things need to get done ( dishes, laundry, etc..) Kids need time by themselves to play and mommies need time to get things done and/ or just relax with being hung on .
What you are feeling is normal and ok. Loving your child is something that only you can tell yourself how to do. And each child will be different. Be patient with yourself and RELAX you're doing fine.
It takes time, don't stress yourself out about it, I think your doing a great job!! 
*** HUGS****
I hope someone can help you be the mommy you want to be to your little one..
Yea, your right, all kids can get on your nerves, I just feel like I'm too hard on him when I do disipline him. And I'm not giving him what he needs in some way... yea, I give him hugs and kisses aswell, but when he comes to me sometimes I'm not thinking and I push him away... what kind of mother does that? I don't feel normal and I feel like I make him feel unloved right then...
Quoting babipeanut:
I love my children very much and let me be one of the first to tell you that -THEY GET ON YOUR NERVES -it's normal. I have a 26, 24, 4, and am raising a 3 yd old granddaughter. Kids are kids yes! but they also know what buttons to push to drive mommy crazy. It is perfectly normal to want them to go play and not hang on you. Things need to get done ( dishes, laundry, etc..) Kids need time by themselves to play and mommies need time to get things done and/ or just relax with being hung on .
What you are feeling is normal and ok. Loving your child is something that only you can tell yourself how to do. And each child will be different. Be patient with yourself and RELAX you're doing fine.
Bumping because I feel it deserves to be noticed.
You have a legimate problem and reaching out for support.
Side note: It amazes me that there can dozens, hundreds of replies to "drama" posts, etc...but when someone has what reads and feels to be a real issue....no one notices or cares.
Does only posts about politics, religion, abortions, "OMG! Look at this stupid parent/relative", etc post the only posts that strike a nerve in people? Are those the only kinds of posts that people can be passionate about?
What happened to compassion for others?
Sorry, but I've seen so many posts today were people had seemingly legimate issues, but no one replies...but these same people can post constantly in posts that incite such heated debates they actually revert back to "high school baby drama" attitude.
I thought this was a place to not only voice your opinions and thoughts, but to support fellow moms in their issues.
I have had those types of feelings. I went on some prozac and that made a MAJOR difference for me. I'd try asking your Dr for help. My kids are all teenagers. ( I have more than are on my profile page......they're just not all up yet...I am SLOW !)
I have felt not close to them at times and not wanting to be a Mom other times. I send hugs . Surround yourself with people who'll build you up in your personal life. Start filling your " emotional bucket " , then you'll have lots of extra love to share with your wee one ! ( and BTW................3 yr olds are tough !! )
I dont know what to say there mama but I would have to agree with the other posts and plan some mommy son time and go do something just the two of you. Spend all the time you can with the little guy and do what ever you can to get him back but make sure that its in his best interest and not just because you want it make sure its something that he wants too.
Ashley's Husband Made it Home From a Deployment in Iraq - And Then Tragedy Struck
- Chaotic_Rayne
on Nov. 8, 2009 at 12:39 AM