In October of 2006 I was the happiest woman on Earth. My husband was home from his second deployment. I was doing so well at work. My grandma was doing good and we were enjoying life to the fullest.
In 2007 my husband received a traumatic brain injury, my grandma died, we got orders to move to a new Army post, I had to quit my job, and my DH got orders for Afghanistan in 2008.
In 2008 his injury got worse when he was injured again. I couldn't find a job. He was deployed. I was alone, very sick, and far from home and my mom was diagnosed with heart failure while my dad was diagnosed with cancer.
Now, in 2009 I've finally found a minimum wage paying job that sucks the life out of me. I'm still crying for my grandma, my mom is doing ok and my dad I'm not sure about.
But here's the thing... I miss my husband. I miss the man he was before he was injured. I miss that guy that cleaned up after himself. The one that didn't have PTSD. I miss the man that put me first and cared so much about the things that bothered me. I miss the guy that was so great with the kids.
So now I'm stuck in a job I hate with a husband who's so distant and different I struggle everyday to understand him. I'm lonely, and the depression isn't going away this time. I'm so damn lonely all the time. The only people or friends I have is on CM. My grandma is dead and my mom just isn't emotionally available. I've been completely unsuccessful at making friends in our new home.
I want to go back to 2006. I want one more conversation with my husband before he was injured and brain damaged. I want one more conversation with my grandma. I want to laugh again.
I am so sorry girl, I am here if you ever need to talk.....
Sorry,,, If you cant go back go forward..I feel the same way sometimes when you look back things always look bright,easier,and happier ...
I'm really sorry you are going through the hurt and stress in your life. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I read your post...and it gave me a sad feeling inside. My heart goes out to you... If you ever need anyone to talk to...I'm here.:(
I've been going forward. But its more like I'm moving through quick sand. I don't even want to get up in the morning. I just want him back. If they could just fix him I could live with everything else. If they could just make it where he is himself again...
I'm really bad tonight. I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and he just went to bed without even saying good night. I want to go home. I want to complain until it makes sense to me again.
Does any of what I said even make sense?
Quoting allycally:
Sorry,,, If you cant go back go forward..I feel the same way sometimes when you look back things always look bright,easier,and happier ...
Have you tried counseling or medication? Journaling, yoga, exercise, bubble baths, etc... I hope you start to feel better soon. Although it may not be possible for your situation to change, it is possible for your mood to improve. Hugs!!!
If I tried yoga the ER would be talking about it for years. Yes, I'm in therapy and I've been on medication since 1990. But I think I'm therapied out. They tell me all these things to do (which I've already done a 100 times) and it doesn't fix anything.
Like I said. I come to CM and this is where I find people to talk to. There aren't many people left in my life that I can talk to and who will actually care. So for as long as the post lasts... I at least pretend that I have cyberspace friends who care. Sometimes people really do care, I don't want to take away from everyone who does. But tomorrow, when this post is dead... I'm on my own again until it gets too much and I come here to look again.
Quoting katielovemyboys:
I 100% completely understand! My husband also has a TBI and PTSD. He is so very different from the man I married. Like yours he was a great dad,and a wonderful husband. Now he is distant and forgetful It is so hard to wait for them to come home from deployment , only to find they are not the same man you sent away. Lord knows I love him with all my heart, but it can wear on you. On top of this I suffered a bad case of post partum depression after our last child. He was deployed and I was a mess and alone. I am still not back to "normal" and often have anxiety and depression still. I am sorry to be so long winded...... I guess what I am getting at is you are not alone. There are so many like us out there. If you need anything, even if it is to just talk , you can PM me. Sometimes it helps to just know others are going through the same thing. Know what I mean?
Check out these Tasty Treats from The Stir's partners:
Ashley's Husband Made it Home From a Deployment in Iraq - And Then Tragedy Struck
- sherry132
on Nov. 8, 2009 at 1:26 AM