Are Refusers Also a Form of Abusers?

[Angebor]

What do you think?

I would think that being refused sex by your spouse would cause emotional and mental discomfort at least.  It may even cause someone to feel rejected, unwanted, undesireable, unworthy, unloved and lonely.  At worst, constant rejection of sex can cause anguish and pain to a sexually healthy adult who has every reason to expect they would be able to experience sexual intimacy on a regular basis.  Aren't these some of the experiences of victims of verbal and physical abusers?

If a husband or wife routinely refuses to be sexually intimate with their spouse, is this a form of abuse?  Of course, if the person is medically unable to engage in any sexual activity then it is understood more easily.  But what if the reasons are frequent tiredness, not in the mood, too busy, always upset or similar reasons?  Is it abuse to routinely (weekly) refuse sex for these reasons?

What is a spouse's responsibility to the other when it comes to being available to them?

What do you think?

[hedtrippe]

I refuse to have sex with my dh all the time why because I hate that i get asked every 10 minutes if i want too! dont ask me make a move make me fell sexy damn it

[isra1986]

I am sure there are some who do use it as a form of abuse and control over their SO.
But be prepared for people to pick and choose what you write and take it the wrong way.
I know what you are saying though. Not with hold sex when you are just tired or not in the mood, but the ones who will go months without it because they are throwing a tantrum over something!

[NorCalMom2]

It depends on why.  You shouldn't have sex if you really don't want.  But if you're playing mind games, that's a different story!

[LyndaLoo78]

I think a lack of physical intimacy speaker to deeper issues in the relationship/marraige that require the intervention of a therapist.  The problems are not sexual in nature but emotional - when there is a breakdown of emotional intimacy, the physical quickly follows.

That or if you know your spouse is cheating why bother?  Someone else is doing it for you..... 

[m0m23b0ys458]

I voted no,because I do not withhold sex from my husband to hurt him.On the contrary,it hurts me because I know that this is very hard for him to deal with & it scares the hell out of me that he may one day get tired of waiting for me & go elsewhere.I would hope that he understands it is my Depression that makes me the way I am today-not that I'm withholding just to hurt him.

[Beth5289]

I voted "depends".  My ex hubby would certainly voted "yes" because he believed he never got it enough.  But the man seriously wanted it AT LEAST twice per day.  And he thought I should be able to keep up with that when my daughter was less than a year old, I was working 40 hrs a week, and he was barely contributing at home (because I didn't do anything for him (aka didn't have sex with him enough and for various other reasons).

I think that if an SO refused all the time, and the couple went months without having sex if could be considered abusive... but I refused for my own sanity... because I was tired... because I didn't feel loved.  And we still had sex pretty often.  At least once per day he was home (he worked/lived out of town at the end of our marriage and came home about every other weekend).  A lot of times twice per day... but it was never enough.

I think it would be a difficult line... I mean... each partner has a right to refuse sometimes, but each partner sort of has an obligation to fulfill the needs of the other. 

So... it depends...

[sillyone]

Well, since my 5 yr. old has been born. I am always telling my hubby "NO". I didn't know why, I just didn't feel sexual. I would force myself at least once a month, but it was hell for me. Then I felt horrible afterwards. It wasn't that I didn't love my hubby or wasn't attracted to him. I just didn't want sex. I know it hurt hubby and he thought all of those things you said. But he is a good man and tried to understand me. Now son is in school for 6.5 hrs a day, I want to have sex again. My hubby decided it must have been being so tired dealing with my son so much, He is a special need child so it takes a lot when dealing with him. So i guess I was just totally tuckered out. lol

[Angebor]

Is it possible that their are partners who aren't playing mind games, using sex to control their spouse or being sexually unfaithful but withhold sex simply because they have no desire?

Even if it is not their intention, can't this still be abusive?  If you ask someone who uses words in a way that is routinely harmful to their spouse whether they are being abusive, they may likely say no.  And yet, we know that there is a such a thing as verbal abuse when words are used not constructively.

Can't abuse be unintentional?

 

[jenniepepsi]

absolutely not. it is NEVER someone elses choice if they want to have sex or not. it is NO ONES RIGHT to say that you need to have sex.

 

however, i do agree with some previous comments about, if the person refusing is only refusing for control, that is wrong.

 

but for example, me, i hate sex, cant stand it. makes me sick (physically) and makes me hurt for days. i refuse it often. BUT i also suck it up, grit my teeth and make love to my husband because i knwo its not my right to tell him he can never have sex again just because i dont want to. (this is pretense. we are in the middle of a divorce and this no longer applys lol)

[Luna091306]

I would think it depends on the situation. I often refuse sex and so does my SO. While it hurts my feelings when he does it at that time I also understand why he does. We were both sexually abused as children. So we don't withhold sex to "punish" each other.

If someone uses sex as a way to control or withholds it to punish their spouse I can almost see that as a form of emotional abuse. Otherwise, no refusing sex is not a form of abuse. 

I don't think sex should ever be a responsibility married or not. It is an act of love, not a chore. If either partner does not want to engage in the act at a particular point in time they shouldn't feel forced.