why is this weekend the worst?

[Shy_Dia]

my sister is in town so everyone is all hyped about that.

we are doing christmas, thanksgiving and my mom's bday this weekend. why? we arent christians, we arent even a real family and no one really acknowledged my birthday, so why are we doing hers?

i just hate it when she comes to town because thats when i realize how unwanted/un-needed i am. no one cares about me. everyone is all hyped about her. my mom doesnt even realize i exist when she's around. she's basically bends over backwards for our kid brother, 12. i mean, right now- during this xmas/thanks/bday weekend, they are at the movie theaters. i would've LOVED to come along. or why not take my son to the kid movie so i can go check out New Moon?

i'm fighting with my kid's dad. he took my son's PS2, doesnt pay any type of CS.. and with school/state aid childcare, its frustrating... this is whats wrong with that-- my classes are from 6-11 on tuesday (no childcare is open), then thursday 2-11pm... childcare is open, but he doesnt go that day... he CAN if the state approves it, but they wont since he'll only be getting 4 hours at the center and they dont fund anything thats 10 hours and less (a letter was sent out earlier this year about it)... so now- its either quit school, find a sitter or take him to class with me.. my one class is a lecture and can you imagine a 4 year old child sitting there for practically 9 hours (literally- my class is from 2-5:45, then 6-11)? so i am looking for childcare.. the cheapest that i can find is $35/week for those hours. but right now, i cant afford that. i get $100 a month for "bills"- basically an allowance from my dad. right now, i spend $20/week for gas to go to the schools, but the sitter is further away, so it'd be more gas.. i dont want to quit school, but i feel like thats my only option.... but yea-- i asked what he did with my son's PS2 and if he ever plans on helping out, or if he'll remain the kid that he has been for over a year and continue to NOT pay CS? that went badly- yea i know.. but i'm working on 4 hours of sleep last night (1-5) and i'm beyond frustrated. and he has the audacity to tell me to "rec up grow up and shut up"... wth does rec up even mean?! I'M the one that does everything for our kid- so why wouldnt i be fucking grown up?!

and i have no idea whats going on with my BF. on his facebook, his status is "Lost a lot of things tonight and don't know when i can get them back :-("... he's supposed to work every night BUT Sundays... he wasnt at work last night.. so now i'm thinking he lost his job. it was just temp but it made him feel better, i guess- like he was getting some/most of his minor debts paid off (he paid me back, he finished paying for the car, paid his old cellphone company, paid back his friends from before, now just has to focus on payments to his student loans, parents, grandma)... i asked what was wrong, but he never replied.. someone else wrote/asked if someone stole his stuff, so now i'm freaking out that he and his grandma was robbed (he lives there so he can focus on getting outta debt, rather than spending $700/month on rent) and whether they are okay... i know that they are okay since he tailgated for the OSU/UofM football game, but i'd like at least a call or a message. he doesnt have a cell and i have no idea who he's around.

and then my son's siblings-- different moms, same dad... they are two-faced hoes. i feel bad for saying it, but its true. the one- who is practically married with her other kids' dad.. is all like i love you, i miss you, you should've been mine, etc.. i called her today, hoping to get our kids together cuz its her son's bday. no call back. then the other child's mom, is the same way-- i love you, i miss you, come back to me, etc... but when i talk to either of them, they are like god- i hate him, i wish he'd grow the F up, blah, blah, blah... i dont care if they still have feelings for him or not (i faultered a while ago, but basically i dont and i never will) but why be so 2-faced? i can do with talking to them about other things- not just about him... like getting the kids together, or practically being a support system for each other. i mean, we deal with the same guy-- our kids are all siblings. why wouldnt you want that type of support system?

i just feel like running away, or at least staying the night someplace else.. but i have no where to go. i dont have any friends. for real. i have one friend that i met in middle school, we live like 10 miles away from each other and we havent seen each other in 5 years. and then my BF-- who isnt home-- cant stay with him cuz i'd feel so wrong bringing my son to his grandma's house for the entire night... plus there's no way i can contact him.

well-- gotta go wrap some gifts for events that i really dont care about, or want to be apart of.

i hope i feel better soon.. i know that with all of this-- a depression bout is coming and honestly, i dont even have the energy/willpower to fight it. they keep getting worse and its like one after another. i know that i'm strong, but i question whether i'll be strong enough to not do any harm (to myself, not to my kid). and it sucks to admit it, but at least i can-- on here, and to my one friend that i never see. (she's going through her own problems though-- way worse than mine).. even my BF doesnt know about how often i feel so depressed. i rarely see him (one night a week!) and i found out that one night he actually called off work to hang out with his friends.. and if he's still employed- that means he called off last night as well.

i just want one day where i dont have to care about anything... or stress about anything.

OOHHHHHHHHH!!!!! and i think my BF is gonna try and get me a ring for christmas. i dotn want a ring, i dont want a marriage.. i want to f'ing graduate college before i get married and maybe even get a job (preferrably a career, but a job would be awesome). but he's talking about how i'm "gonna love my present- as long as he can afford it." but how the hell do i bring up a "i dont want a ring" conversation when i dont even know for sure, if he's getting one.

[Gabismom241]

Wow! You have a lot to deal with and work out! I wish I could help you. I do wish you the best though and hope things get easier for you.