Ugh. So. I've posted before about my DD1's father being in Egypt.. He has another wife and family and until recently (Like, end of October recently) would ignore my emails. Only because I harassed his friends and family.. His daughter wanted to speak to him.
So I had found on an older email account that he had emailed me a month BEFORE I had received the October email (I've been trying to reach him for over 6 mths for and and periodically emailed him pics of her for his parents, he never responds even if I said his daughter wanted him). He told his friends she wasnt his child, etc, even though she looks EXACTLY like him.
Anyway. The Sept email said that he wished I would just leave him alone for the rest of his life, that he wanted nothing to do with me, he didnt want me contacting his friends anymore, etc..
I responded to that on the 7th. I told him fine, all he had to do was sign the divorce papers and send a notarized letter stating that my DF could adopt DD1 when we got married.. My DD was asking about her father (it came up in an age discussion) and I had told her that he didnt want to be her Father anymore but DF wanted to be her daddy.. She was happy because DF is her daddy according to her.
So, he emailed me back LATER THE DAY I TOLD HER THAT! He said he wants to talk to her etc but he has no money to give me for her, he wants ANOTHER MAN to raise her financially but he wants to be there. He doesnt want DF to adopt her.. Ugh!! He wants to talk to her etc.. I'm still LEGALLY married to this man. It's expensive to get an overseas divorce and I still have NO idea what he exact address in Egypt is. He has ANOTHER WIFE AND CHILD in Egypt. I know I have DF and DD2, but it's different, I'm in love, and I needed help... He's LEGALLY married. As a Muslim man he's not supposed to have another family if he can't/doesn't take care of his first. He's not supposed to let another man support his child.. that's HIS job.
I'm not trying to be a hypocrite about cheating etc.. I dont care. The main point of this post was to give a backstory to the next couple of questions.
Would you LET this man suddenly in your childs life? He was around in 06 before I met DF, and then disappeared. He only RECENTLY just decided to talk to me again, and only wanted something to do with DD because I said DF wanted to adopt her. He refuses to give me money (not that I need it) or anything like that.
I do NOT want DD to know about his other wife and child.. I do NOT want her to think she isnt GOOD enough (she has asked before, why doesnt he love me? why doesnt he want to be with me).. I dont know how to explain it. He's in Egypt, it's not like he's gonna leave his wife and other child to come here to be with her. DF loves her, he's been her acting father since we met. This little girl is his life.. Before DD2 he would say he was a father.. He never denied her being his, never tells anyone "oh she's my step daughter to be".. It's always "I have two daughters".. If something ever happened between me and him he'd still see her..
I just dont want it to be another passing thing. Even when he WAS in her life he was there as a "friend" for a month. Besides the first 4 mths of her life. He still never paid for anything for her, it's always been me and my mom and DF..
What is everyone's opinion on this?
I'm a breast & formula feeding, disposable diapering, CIO as a last optioning, babywearing & stroller pushing, selective vaxing, prolife, anti circing, doula loving, working out of home, crazy sock loving, dog & cat having, hair-covering, Allah fearing, hand-sewing, exotic name loving, spanking, time-outing, speak-before-you-think, cyst having, history-loving, online-schooling, you have your own opinions so let me have mine, reverted Muslim mommy of 2 gorgeous biracial girls with different fathers.
after you are married take him to court to sign over his rights. if he doesnt show up, well good for you, that will make it a lot easier. you can place an ad in a legal newspaper calling him out to be her father, if he does not respond after so long then your DF can adopt her.
I would cut him out of your life totally since he fled the country and he hasnt helped contribute to her life in any positive ways.I am thinking you could get a divorce w/o him even signing the papers on the basis of abandonment or something. DD needs someone stable in her life and it looks like DF is a good guy to step up.
Quoting exceptalilfish:
after you are married take him to court to sign over his rights. if he doesnt show up, well good for you, that will make it a lot easier. you can place an ad in a legal newspaper calling him out to be her father, if he does not respond after so long then your DF can adopt her.
She can't marry him because her Egyptian husband refuses her divorce. OP-Im so sorry, I wish I knew an answer for you. The only thing I can think is get a divorce here based on abandonment and file that paperwork stateside, then send him a copy. You will still be legally married in Egypt, but, Im pretty sure you will be divorced in the States and can then get married and follow the PPs advice. Good Luck mama, you are gonna need it in this.
Your the one that bugged him until he responded and now you don't know if you want him in your child's life? Then you should have left him alone imo
Quoting exceptalilfish:
after you are married take him to court to sign over his rights. if he doesnt show up, well good for you, that will make it a lot easier. you can place an ad in a legal newspaper calling him out to be her father, if he does not respond after so long then your DF can adopt her.
yup thats true i would do that also
Sounds to me like the only reason he wants to talk to her now is because your fiance wants to adopt her:( I really don't get the mentality of some guys. They say they don't want anything to do with you then when someone else does they all of a sudden want back in:( I would just wait and see if he actually wants to keep contact with her only time will tell, unfortunately you cant have DF adopt your daughter until Mr. Egypt signs off:( but if he has no contact long enough your DF will be able to adopt her, hope you can get things figured out and sorry this is goin on:)
My 1st marriage was to a guy in Ireland. We lived over in Wales for 3 years. He was an alchoholic, so I came back home to the states and he was going to settle things there and work on not drinking. After i moved back home I discovered that he had another girlfriend....so I started with divorce paperwork. I went thru a paralegal....it was a pain in the butt because he never returned any of my calls or letters because he didnt want a divorce. I had to prove that I couldnt find him and the marriage was disolved because of that........I sent certified letters to old addresses that he lived, called old phone numbers........my goal was not to have conntact with him so he couldnt fight the divorce.
I hope this helps a little.
I am going to go the oposite of everyone else. From a Muslim stand point, he does have a right and your DD has a right to see eachother. It would be haram ot let your DF adopt her. He can be the one supporting her and basically fostering her, taking the "father" role, but he can't adopt her.
He is wrong to abandon you and your DD, but for her sake, I hope he comes to his senses and takes an active role in her life.
How are you married? In USA? Egypt? Is it just in the courts here or in the Mosque?
I am not judging you, but you are both wrong in a way. He should not have left you and made a new family, but atleast he did it the halal way and got married.
He doesn't want the financial responsibility of the child he created, but he wants to be her father? And this only after you told him someone else wanted the title of Daddy, which he had given up. He told you to leave him alone before. I would shut him out.
I would save and print out both the e-mails and your reply. Things like that can come in useful.
Harming there child in having her DF adopt her.. are you serious? She has a father figure that loves and cares for just as he would his own. That man loves her like his own and there are not very men like this. You would rather have her have a father figure that abandoned her and she asks if her biological father loves her.. Not a man I would want in my life or my childrens life. He is causing harm and will cause harm if he gets back into her life and decides to banish again all of a sudden.
OP I have never been through this situation but I would say do what the other mothers said and I want you to know that adoption never hurts anyone as long as everyone loves each other. You have a good man with you. Good luck with your marriage to DF, the divorce, and the adoption. :)
Quoting isra1986:I am going to go the oposite of everyone else. From a Muslim stand point, he does have a right and your DD has a right to see eachother. It would be haram ot let your DF adopt her. He can be the one supporting her and basically fostering her, taking the "father" role, but he can't adopt her.
He is wrong to abandon you and your DD, but for her sake, I hope he comes to his senses and takes an active role in her life.
How are you married? In USA? Egypt? Is it just in the courts here or in the Mosque?
I am not judging you, but you are both wrong in a way. He should not have left you and made a new family, but atleast he did it the halal way and got married.
Check out these Piping Hot Posts from The Stir:
-
Kate Moss Baby Keeps 'Beautiful People' Race Alive
- Arsenic Found in Organic Baby Formula: Is It Your Brand?
- Jon Stewart's Letterman Faux Pas Is Hilariously Awkward (VIDEO)
- Here's Why Kim Kardashian Is Classier Than Snooki (VIDEO)
- Kevin Costner Is the Best Person to Speak at Whitney Houston's Funeral
CafeMom Featured Groups! Which groups do you recommend?
- ANandLPsMom
on Nov. 22, 2009 at 5:18 PM