We live in Florida.
I'm not totally against spanking. Each situation and child is different. However if spanking occurs I'm a FIRM believer ONLY the parents should be doling it out. I have 2 step children (almost 4 1/2 and almost 2 1/2). There were times where I thought the oldests behavior warranted a smack on the butt a time or two but she's NOT my child. Yes I love her and treat as if she were mine but she's not mine to spank. Hubby doesn't and never has spanked her.
Their mother moved her boyfriend in..he turned into a fiancee and we believe they are now married (oldest told me beginning of Oct that "mommy, 'nando and Jay got married when I was at school). Stories of "spanking" have been mentioned on and off for God knows how long. It's always HIM that's doing it. This past weekend was our weekend and we still have them because their mother gave birth to their new baby brother yesterday (we will drop them off after thanksgiving dinner) They KEEP bringing it up. We let them sleep over their maternal grandparents house, they told us the girls kept bringing it up. Today on the way to the hospital (i brought them to see their brother/mother) the oldest was yelling at her sister to stop. I asked what's going on? She said Jay keeps saying Fernando spanked me" I asked well are you mad because it's not true? She said "I didn't make the mess!" I try to not say anything but this time I didn't try. I told her it doesn't matter if she made the mess or not, Fernando is not supposed to be spanking her.
We are getting frustrated with these more frequent spanking stories (there's been at least 7 different scenarios so we know they're not being made up or talking about 1 or 2 times over and over again) Tonight my husband called the Abuse Hotline. And was told in the state of Florida spanking by a caregiver is perfectly fine. To say he is livid is a severe understatement.According to their website a caregiver INCLUDES teachers, teenagers working at daycares etc etc. Well if this is the case then why when a spanking occurs are those folks fired AND arrested??!?!?!!?! He told the lady listen my kids cry and don't want to go home when we have them...my ex and her husband lock themselves in their room and ignore the kids (the kids have told us this, her brother who lived with her for 6 months told us, her sister who was always over there told us this). The response? Well the parents are still there in the house so it's ok. WTF>!?!?!?!
My husband wants to say something to him. I don't blame him but I don't think he'll be able to hold it back much longer and I think doing it when she is just home from the hospital is a bad time. I just really really don't understand. I don't think it's right or fair that these kids are coming to us and we can't help them, we can't change what's going on :(
That's a nasty situation. I don't have a solution but here's a bump for you.
That's a lousy situation especially for your step children. I hope their Dad (Your DH) can at least speak to the ex about it all. I think the laws are pretty outdated. If there isn't a way to straighten it all out by just discussing it . Then the only things I could think of would be trying to get custody , more visits or having the children speak to a therapist if you really believe the kids are being negatively impacted (abused/neglected) ..The kids could always report it to a school counselor , teacher etc.. IDK what to advise but I wish you the best.
The group I call home is 2gether 4change !! The group I "Play" in is TAA ..I hope to see you there !!!
I am sorry that these kids are going through this and that it seems like there isn't much you are able to do. I would call the hotline again to see if I got a different person on the phone- sometimes it makes all the difference!!!
I think you're completely right. It's one thing if the step parent is taking on the parental role in the absence of another, but this guy isn't and shouldn't put his hands on the kids no matter what. Personally, I'd tell DH to say something to their mom. Just be tactful & don't let the emotions get the best of him. My sister's now husband used to be a real piece of work. He made it clear that my niece was NOT his child so he would NOT take care of her. However, he spanked her when she did something. I found out about it & I let him know that if he didn't want to be her "dad" through EVERYTHING, then he sure as hell wasn't going to be her "dad" when she acted up. I basically raised my niece from birth to 5 years old, so my sister couldn't really say anything. He's since changed and realized the error of his ways, but it took a stern talking to for him to change his view.
REST IN PEACE, MY JACK JACK. 6-5-08 to 8-10-08
I understand that you don't think anyone but the parents should spank and I agree, we also do the same thing but other than talking to the mother and hoping she will agree I really don't think there is any thin else you can do as long as you are talking about spanking. If there are no brusing it is not abuse. Your husband and his ex are still the parents so they get to make the rules
As far as the spanking goes, I think you're overreacting.
There's spanking, and then there's abuse. If the mom's fiance/husband/whatever, has clearance from the mom to spank, there's not really anything you can do. I know that sucks, I'd be pissed off too, but two sets of parents often = two sets of rules.
What's the severity of your daughter's complaints? What is her behavior like? It's possible that the spankings are warranted, and she's just mad and wants to tattle. Are there bruses? Scratches? etc
As for the locking out and ignoring, unless you've seen it happen, don't be so quick to jump to conclusions. If my daughter is snuggled up watching a movie or something, I go into my room and do something for myself sometimes.
I know you and your husband don't like it, especially your husband, but you have to consider the facts; and don't be so quick to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
Best wishes.
Quoting BaisMom:As far as the spanking goes, I think you're overreacting.
There's spanking, and then there's abuse. If the mom's fiance/husband/whatever, has clearance from the mom to spank, there's not really anything you can do. I know that sucks, I'd be pissed off too, but two sets of parents often = two sets of rules.
What's the severity of your daughter's complaints? What is her behavior like? It's possible that the spankings are warranted, and she's just mad and wants to tattle. Are there bruses? Scratches? etc
As for the locking out and ignoring, unless you've seen it happen, don't be so quick to jump to conclusions. If my daughter is snuggled up watching a movie or something, I go into my room and do something for myself sometimes.
I know you and your husband don't like it, especially your husband, but you have to consider the facts; and don't be so quick to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
Best wishes.
I agree there is a difference between spanking and abuse. Do I think they're being a abused and beaten? No..but it hurts and makes us frustrated when the spanking stories are more and more frequent and brought up more than usual. It was brought up (by the kids) over the weekend. They spend the night at the grandparents house and it was brought up at night and the next day. Then again with me today. As dramatic as it may sound, it seems like a cry for help and we can't help. They are good kids. I mean good, well behaved sweet kids. If it were just THEM telling us about no talking at the dinner table, no talking when the news is on, not allowed in the kitchen, not allowed in the living room..then yes I would be jumping to conclusions. But we're hearing from her brother who lived with her and saw DAILY how once the bf/financee came home she was up his butt and they'd go in their room and lock the door. How she didn't interact with the kids once he was in the picture. How she would feed the kids separately from him. It goes on and on. Their playroom? It's outside in a shed. Yeah that I have seen with my own eyes because he doesn't want anything in the house. And one of the worst things about this whole situation...I truly believe once he gets a green card he will be long gone. So they go through all this for nothing. Could it be their behavior is really that much worse there than it is here? Possible...but maybe if she took her head out of his ass it would be a different story. It really isn't fair that they are being punished/spanked because their mother is a douche.
My husband is going to continue to call anytime they tell us about the spankings. His step father works with DCF and said he's seen cases where it took up to 7 calls to get anything done. I let him read the responses and he is going to tell the oldest one if it happens again to tell her teacher at daycare. Thank you all.
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on Nov. 24, 2009 at 11:03 PM