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i need advice..please

Posted by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 8:59 AM
  • 16 Replies

My husband's grandpa died sunday night. My husband didn't want any bad news while he was deployed and made me promise that i woudln't tell him any, he even told his mom no bad news but his parents sent him the message last night anyway. My husband knew his grandpa was sick.  I don't know if he got it yet. Grandpa had no life insurance and i guess when his wife died years ago he cashed it in to pay for her treatments and stuff. Well my husband is gone  he left last month so we haven't started receiving the extra pays yet. Well we got the first one today actually. His parents and his uncles and aunts are wanting me to pay for the funeral. They keep saying with the kids we will get a tax refund and with him gone we'll make a bunch of money to help pay off our credit card and they claim they will pay it back by dividing into 5ths. There are 5 of them.  I told them no. But then they said that if i don't he'll just lay in the funeral home until someone pays it and his obituary today was small and didn't include any details because noone has the money to pay it. The funeral home said they are assisitng the familiy but according to them they aren't. They just told them to come up with the down payment.  I am stuck between a rock and a hardplace again. I dont know what to do. I don't want his grandpa just to lay there but i dont' think i should put it on our credit card either. We had other plans with tax money and we were going to save our extra deployment money. It was all going to go toward a down payment for a house. He is reseves and we are still living in our hometown near his family. His family thinks since he is deployed he is going to make bank. They think since we have 2 kids we'll make bank at tax time. Yeah we may but it shoudln't be my job to pay for the funeral.  But i don't want him laying in the funeral home either. My husbands grandpa retired from the navy his family is claiming he has no benefits to use for his death but i think he does. Does anyone know? Sorry this is all jacked up i am so stressed and haven't slept good because of his family making me feel like shit about the decisions i make in regards to my husband.

by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 8:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
carygrantfan
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:06 AM

if your gpa-in-law RETIRED from the navy, he should get a free military funeral.  don't let his family blackmail you.  this may sound cavalier, i am sorry for the loss in your family, but you could look into donating the body to a medical school which would cut out a lot of expenses. 

Call the closest VA or military base to find out if he is entitled to a military buriel.  if he was part of a church, you could have a memorial service in lieu of a funeral.  you can do that without a church, even.  dont' let the funeral homes pressure you into the bells and whistles.  maybe cremate the body?

 

good luck.

bunnies-r-usmom
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:07 AM

I know you are in a really hard spot here and his family is probably making you feel very guilty BUT...It is not your sole responsibility to handle this funeral. Can't someone or all of them get a loan from a bank to help with their portion? I think if you want to help then the most you should do is pay the down payment for the funeral. It seems like the family is trying to take advantage while your husband is deployed. Also, I think it was very disrespectful for his family to tell him that news if he has ask them not to tell him such things while he is deployed. If he requested that then I'm sure he has a very good reason for it. Hang in there and do what YOU feel is right.

alexhuntercody
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:08 AM

and i don't want to do it because that is going to be a big amount charged to the card without talking to my husband who shouldn't even know about the death in the first place. For some reason they want me to pay the whole thing which is about 15,000.  I figured it out and the down payment for them would only be like 15-1700 so dividing by 5 that would only be like 300 per person because the funeral home paperwork says 10% down.

little.miss.mom
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:10 AM

If he retired from the navy he will get a military funeral. Not sure how you should go about finding out how to get it but good luck.

alexhuntercody
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:10 AM

my husband didn't want to know anything because he is front line right now and ever since he found out about being activated he had this fear that he may not make it back. He was really upset about it and didn't want anything ot take his focus off the job. He didn't want any bad news at all.

alexhuntercody
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:13 AM

I am pretty positive he retired from the navy. He always got a  check from the navy.

Trisha-Faye
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:14 AM

Quit relying on what the family is telling you.  Contact the funeral home and find out the details from them.  If he is retired military there should be burial benefits that the funeral home will use as the down payment.  Once the downpayment is met the funeral home will give you a payment plan.  (I have buried 4 parents and a sister since Oct 2001). 

http://www1.va.gov/opa/Is1/7.asp 

Burial Allowance: VA will pay a $300 burial and funeral allowance for veterans who, at time of death, were entitled to receive pension or compensation or would have been entitled if they weren’t receiving military retirement pay. Eligibility also may be established when death occurs in a VA facility, a VA-contracted nursing home or a state veterans nursing home. In non service-connected death cases, claims must be filed within two years after burial or cremation.

Plot Allowance: VA will pay a $300 plot allowance when a veteran is buried in a cemetery not under U.S. government jurisdiction if: the veteran was discharged from active duty because of disability incurred or aggravated in the line of duty; the veteran was receiving compensation or pension or would have been if the veteran was not receiving military retired pay; or the veteran died in a VA facility.

The $300 plot allowance may be paid to the state for the cost of a plot or interment in a state-owned cemetery reserved solely for veteran burials if the veteran is buried without charge. Burial expenses paid by the deceased’s employer or a state agency will not be reimbursed.

Military Funeral Honors: Upon request, DOD will provide military funeral honors consisting of folding and presentation of the United States flag and the playing of "Taps." A funeral honors detail consists of two or more uniformed members of the armed forces, with at least one member from the deceased’s branch of service.

Family members should inform their funeral directors if they want military funeral honors. DOD maintains a toll-free number (1-877-MIL-HONR) for use by funeral directors only to request honors. VA can help arrange honors for burials at VA national cemeteries. Veterans’ service organizations or volunteer groups may help provide honors. For more information, visit http://www.militaryfuneralhonors.osd.mil/.

bunnies-r-usmom
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:16 AM


Quoting alexhuntercody:

my husband didn't want to know anything because he is front line right now and ever since he found out about being activated he had this fear that he may not make it back. He was really upset about it and didn't want anything ot take his focus off the job. He didn't want any bad news at all.


Exactly why his family should have honored his wishes. Nothing should take the focus off his job and keeping himself safe. Good Bless him.

mamaslilpunkin
by Silver Member on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:17 AM


Quoting little.miss.mom:

If he retired from the navy he will get a military funeral. Not sure how you should go about finding out how to get it but good luck.


Lilypie
JakeandEmmasMom
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 9:18 AM

If your husband were home what would he want you to do?  Would he want to pay the down payment or not?  I wonder if there is some sort of military family services that you could call to find out if grandpa is entitled to any sort of help from the military for the funeral? 

I think at the end of the day what I would do is agree to pay the down payment but get it in writing that each person is going to pay you back by a specific time period so that it's all legal (contracts keep everyone friends if you know what I mean) but I wouldn't agree to pay the whole thing.  They are acting like they are entitled to the money that your husband will be making and your tax refund, but they aren't.  And it isn't your family's responsibility to shoulder this burden.  If you decide to help with the down payment, definitely get it in writing that they will pay you back.

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