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I have issues

Posted by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:28 PM
  • 18 Replies

I do NOT like to feel out of control. I've been married for 5 months and we jsut BARELY got a joint bank account. Partly because I had to finish getting my name stuff changed, like my SS card and license plus stuff at work, but part of it was that I was afraid to give up that security of knowing exactly how much I had at all times. Its hard when my husband buys lunch or something and I don't know about it. Its not like its a big deal and we budget for it, but not knowing everything is hard for me. I have access to the account, but it still is hard with 2 people using one account.

Tonight we got a notice saying our car insurance will be cancelled if a past due balance is not paid by the 10th. This same bill I was told 2 weeks ago was getting paid that day. Or the collection call from one of my DH's credit cards for a past due balance. Both bills late because he "forgot" or it slipped his mind. He takes care of the insurance and his credit card bills, I make sure everything else is taken care of. Responsibility of bills is split pretty evenly. All paid from the same account, just easier to have us each take on half than one person remembering to do all. But getting these notices PISS me off. I went off on my husband when I got the letter tonight.

This should NOT be happening.

But I made my husband feel like shit and now I feel bad, but its SO hard for me to be ok with things getting out of control. It scares me. I don't want to be poor or have bad credit reportings for things that are easily taken care of if they aren't forgotten. I have not been late on a bill in nearly 2 years. Even when I was out of work and trying to support myself and my son on a small savings account balance for 4 months.

When I was with my ex, things were ALWAYS late, phones got shut off all the time, I racked up $400 in overdraft fees in ONE month once. We almost got evicted. Things were bad. I think part of my control issue stems from that.

But now my husband is asking me why I always freak out over little things and if its my hormones or what because it really bothers him that I blow up over this stuff.

I do have issues and have no idea how to stop feeling this way.

 

by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lvnmylif
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:32 PM

If it really causes you this much anxiety maybe it's not a good idea to split the bill paying.  Why don't you just take over the bill paying and managing the money and just let your husband know what is available.  It would be great if he could remember to get those things done but sometimes having the piece of mind is better than having everything equal.  IDK I am not a fan of treating spouses like they are incapable of getting things done but I'm not a fan of anxiety either. 

smarshy
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:35 PM

This is why I make DS bring home his reciepts, and I do all of the billing. It is kind of a lot, but just easier in the long run.


Mamie_85
by Ruby Member on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:35 PM


Quoting lvnmylif:

If it really causes you this much anxiety maybe it's not a good idea to split the bill paying.  Why don't you just take over the bill paying and managing the money and just let your husband know what is available.  It would be great if he could remember to get those things done but sometimes having the piece of mind is better than having everything equal.  IDK I am not a fan of treating spouses like they are incapable of getting things done but I'm not a fan of anxiety either. 


ColieO
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:37 PM

Because he wants to feel things are being done equally. And I want him to feel like he is contributing. He's trying, he really is, but I guess its not enough for me to feel secure about it. He has really bad credit from stupid decisions made while having a credit card in hand, I only have 2 cards and both are always paid off before they even get interest tacked on and really, they are just open to give account longevity reports.

He wants to help me out though. He suggested getting a mutual email and switching all our bills to paperless and having them emailed to this account in case the mail gets lost. I do think its a good idea.

Quoting lvnmylif:

If it really causes you this much anxiety maybe it's not a good idea to split the bill paying.  Why don't you just take over the bill paying and managing the money and just let your husband know what is available.  It would be great if he could remember to get those things done but sometimes having the piece of mind is better than having everything equal.  IDK I am not a fan of treating spouses like they are incapable of getting things done but I'm not a fan of anxiety either. 


rchl882
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:37 PM

I don't think this is your issue -- it's his. He is an adult and is married on top of that, he should be more responsible. There is no excuse for him to be 'forgetting' to pay bills. It may sound harsh but bottom line is he needs to grow up and be responsible. I have this same problem with my DH and I can't stand it. Of course you are going to feel anxious... you just married this man and he is showing you that he can't take care of things. It made me so nervous when I first got married when I realized how irresponsible my husband was. It's been 2 years now and I handle ALL of the bills, and it pisses me off. But I have to pick my battles for now.

Ladolcevita9
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:37 PM

Are you sure it's because he simply "forgot" about the bills, or he really didn't have the money to pay them at the time?

ColieO
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:39 PM

We have money to cover bills and then a little extra every month. I can see the account balances. In his defense, its not EVERY month, but more often than it should be.

Quoting Ladolcevita9:

Are you sure it's because he simply "forgot" about the bills, or he really didn't have the money to pay them at the time?


joci2203
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:43 PM

LOL I  got so bad with it that my hubby locked me out of our accounts, now I don't know the passwords:)  He felt like he should take over so that it will be one less stress on me.  At first I was freaking out, but now I feel good, I just don't worry about it anymore.

                                                                                           

lvnmylif
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 11:46 PM


Quoting ColieO:

Because he wants to feel things are being done equally. And I want him to feel like he is contributing. He's trying, he really is, but I guess its not enough for me to feel secure about it. He has really bad credit from stupid decisions made while having a credit card in hand, I only have 2 cards and both are always paid off before they even get interest tacked on and really, they are just open to give account longevity reports.

He wants to help me out though. He suggested getting a mutual email and switching all our bills to paperless and having them emailed to this account in case the mail gets lost. I do think its a good idea.

Quoting lvnmylif:

If it really causes you this much anxiety maybe it's not a good idea to split the bill paying.  Why don't you just take over the bill paying and managing the money and just let your husband know what is available.  It would be great if he could remember to get those things done but sometimes having the piece of mind is better than having everything equal.  IDK I am not a fan of treating spouses like they are incapable of getting things done but I'm not a fan of anxiety either. 

 

You can also check out your banks online banking.  Ours is set up so when we go into the online banking it shows all of our bills when it was last paid when it is due and what was paid on it.  Makes it easy when all I have to do is go down the list and see what is due.  That may be just what you both need.

MsJaunty
by on Dec. 2, 2009 at 12:05 AM

It is normal for all women to want security.  That's natural.  Gold diggers took it too far. LOL.  But I digress.  Have you guys thought about having a joint account strictly for household expenses? Put a certain amount of money into that account every month. And then have automatic drafts taken from that account each month for the bills. That way you don't have to worry about dates. You could go paperless too, but you have to make sure then that it's being read. I do think that you are a little wound up. But you are going off of previous experiences. So it's understandable. But you both are grown and work hard for your money. There should be a certain amount that you both can have and not have to account for every single dime. Your husband is not your ex.  So don't punish him like he is.  That means, fair fighting.  Talk about the issue at hand.  No name calling or bringing up stuff from way back when, ok.  Men want to be respected more than anything else. So build him up not mock him.  Or someone else will. Now, go apologize. And make-up. (teeheehee)

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