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Wish I knew what I was doing...

Posted by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 9:44 AM
  • 4 Replies

Ok...this is really hard for me to talk about...

We have 3 daughters who are EXTREMELY active with school sports and other outside activities.  I work part time as a substitute teacher.  I was also the one who ALWAYS took the kids where they needed to be.  Most weeks, I was gone four nights a week.  Most of the time, on days I worked, I got up at 5:30, got breakfast made for the kids, got the girls up and helped with hair, got myself ready, worked til 3:45, came home, made dinner, chatted with kids about their day and was out the door by 5:30 for the evening activity.  There were times when I didn't work that I took for, playing on computer, etc. 

My house wasn't perfect, but it was clean.  Every night, when I would return at 9pm, guess where hubby was...ON HIS @$$ in front of the TV...I then got to clean the kitchen from dinner.

September of 2008, the day before my 19th anniversary, my husband left his cell phone home accidentally.  I saw it, and went to add a message and set an alarm to ring that said Happy Anniversary.  Thought it would be sweet.  When I went into the phone, his calendar popped up showing an appointment.  I didn't think he had anything going that night, so I looked.  It wasn't an appointment, but a nasty comment about me.  I continued to look.  He had been using his phone calendar as a diary.  EVERY single day, for a full year was a negative comment about me.  "She didn't want sex", "She didn't vacuum", "She didn't cook" etc. 

After I found that, I cried.  My tears grew to complete and total anger, which has lead to disgust and complete lack of trust.  A year and 2 months later, I told him I wanted to seperate.  I have no feelings left for him.  I cannot forgive him and the hurt still runs VERY deep.

I have not held a full time, regular job for 16 years (since my oldest was born) and I am terrified about how the heck I am going to support myself (he WILL take care of his girls).

I guess I am basically asking if I am over reacting or if anyone has any suggestions.  I am thinking seriously about moving to the Tucson area.  I have met someone who lives there (we met online, and have already met in person).  Help...please

by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 9:44 AM
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by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 9:46 AM

 I'm not sure what kind of advice you are looking for here?? All I can say is you have to do whats best for you and your children. GL.

by Ruby Member on Dec. 14, 2009 at 9:47 AM

Overreacting? No..those comments would have hurt me beyond belief. You seem intelligent and strong. I know it seems scary now, but I'm sure you'll be fine doing this on your own.

I would think long and hard before moving anywhere with someone new just yet, especially since you have young girls. 

by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 9:49 AM

Well I can tell you that if it were my marriage I wouldn't up and leave but hubby and I do not believe in divorce except after certain circumstances.

Anyway, if it were me I would have immediately suggested/demanded both marriage counselling as well as individual counselling.

I would want to know why he focuses only on the negative and feels the need to document it. 

I would only leave if I had done everything to fix our marriage and either it didn't help or he had absolutely no interest in helping fix it/changing things for the better.

by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:07 AM

Thank you.  I'm thinking I am the problem here.  I don't want to stay with a man who could do something like that.  Maybe if he asked why I didn't vacuum, he would have realized I had been on my feet for about 16 hours already that day...or that I was too darned tired from 3 16 hour days in a row to have sex that night. 

The move is only a consideration.  I have no family nearby.  My current town is population 1500 or less and there are no job opportunities here.  I would NOT move in with him.  I would maintain my own home and hopefully get to know him better.  He has offered assistance in moving and job hunting.

Never in a million years did I think that I would be considering a divorce, but I cannot stand the thought that these thoughts and feelings are running through his head.  I have not touched his phone since.  The trust is GONE and IDK if it will ever come back

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