Today is the eleventh anniversary of my dads death.
I was in the Army at the time and deployed to Kuwait. My huband at the time (he moved out of our home while I was deployed and we divorced shortly there after) was doing training with his national guard unit so our two children were with my mom in WI. (mom and dad divorced when I was 3, the kids were with mom and stepdad, and dad saw them everyday while they were there, dad was in the process of a divorce and was living on his own for the first time in his life)
DD was 2 and DS was 1.
I will never, as long as I live, forget the way I was told.
My First Sergeant and my supervisor, Lynn, found me and made me sit down.
Top (first sergeant) told me that I had received a Red Cross message.
I froze. I didn't know what to do, I thought that something had happened to one of my kids and if so I was going to kill my mom for allowing it to happen.
~Top said, I hate these things, these are the worst.
I wanted to jump up and tear the message from his hands and read it my self.
~ Its a message from your mother.
I stopped breathing. My kids were all I could think about. Top was from MI and he and I joked all the time about which one of us was from the wrong side of the lake. He knew my kids were with my mom.
~ About the sudden death of your father.
I was relieved.
Relieved.
I was able to breathe again and I instantly felt guilty and started to sob.
My babies were alright, but my dad was dead. and I was relieved.
They walked me to the TOC (headquarters) and helped me make the call to my mom.
I didn't know at the time that mom had both of my brothers, my grandmother (dads mom) and one of his sisters in the living room with her.
I asked her what had happened.
~ Angel it was an accident
I asked again, what had happened
~ Angel he died in his truck in his driveway....it was an accident
I was tired of hearing the bs so I yelled, Mom what the hell happened!?
~ Angel he killed himself. He was in his truck in her drive way and he shot himself. She had a restraining order against him and the guy she was seeing was there in the house with her. When she woke up this morning and saw his truck in her driveway she called the cops. They found him and even found the note.
I asked her what the note said.
~ Angel please.... It said, "Merry fucking Christmas, your gift is my life"
I told her that i was coming home.
I flew from Kuwait to London, to Newark, to Savannah. I needed to get my clothes and I was going to need my car so I could bring my kids back to GA with me. My stepdad was waiting at the airport in Savannah for me. He flew down so I wouldn't have to drive to WI by myself.
On the way to WI I got a frantic call from my younger brother (he was 19 at the time) he was at the wake (dads widow absolutely refused to postpone any of the arrangements for my benefit) and was being told by some of dads relatives that I knew what dad was going to do but that I had done nothing to stop him.
It was utter and complete bull shit. But they needed someone to blame and I wasn't there so I made an easy target.
Dad had visited me in August before I deployed. He was on his way down to FL to help Grandma with some things. During his visit he told me that he and his wife were splitting up. He also told me that it had gotten so bad at one point that he had considered taking his own life back in February and that he had written a letter to me explaining himself, and with the letter he had enclosed his rings that he always wore.
I was so upset that I cried. I made him promise me that he wouldnt hurt himself. I told him that everything that had been crappy in my childhood could be made up for simply by him being there for my children. They just need their Grandpa. I also told him that I didn't know if I would be able to ever forgive him if he did hurt himself.
He promised me that he wouldn't.
He broke that promise.
I know suicide is a final symptom of a greater disease. I know that dad was sick and that he wasn't in his right mind, but it still hurts.
DD is 13 and I finally told her this year how my dad died. For years all I told her and DS was that grandpa was very sick and very sad. I wasn't sure at what age it was all right to talk about Grandpas suicide with my children.
My older two have no memory of my dad. My younger two will never even meet him.
I have two photos of dad holding dd when she was just a few weeks old. Those are some of my favorite pictures. I was the only girl and she is my only girl. Dads first grandchild was his daughters daughter. I like to think that that makes it more special.
So today sucks. But I still have things that must get done. Names on Christmas stockings, laundry, baking. Life goes on.
What a sad story :( I'm really sorry for your loss! I don't think any amount of time is enough to get over such a heartache. I'm sure you know, but there was nothing you could've done to prevent it...I hope you don't blame yourself at all! I hate that he'll miss out on seeing your children grow up, but I think you're handling it extremely well (with your kids, especially). He will always live on in your memories!
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on Dec. 15, 2009 at 11:04 AM