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How can I help this lady?

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:46 PM
  • 14 Replies

A woman was falling apart at our church this morning, and she finally told me that her husband had hit her.  We're not talking some young lady here...she's in her 60s or 70s, and her husband is dying of cancer.  Double whammy there.  She thinks it's her fault, and she feels guilty about thinking of leaving because he's dying.  I told her that it was NOT her fault.  HE controls his actions.  She did NOT hold a gun to his head and say, "Hit me, damn you!"  Pain is NO EXCUSE for that kind of behavior.  If it was, I could've used it when I broke my arms five months ago, but I didn't.  I choose NOT to be abusive.

I told her she needed to get out, but she told me that the local shelter turned her down.  I know someone on the board there, and I'm gonna see what I can find out.  I'm afraid he's gonna kill her.  My father knows this couple, and I alerted him to the situation.  He said she's not without fault, and I told him that nobody is, but that does not give him the right to hit her.

If you have any ideas on how I can help her, please let me know.  We live in a town with a population of less than 6000, and so options are very few here.  I'm a mother of three myself, and I don't have the finances to help her get her own place.

Thanks in advance.

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Forget-me-not
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:50 PM

Not to defend her husband but the truth is when you have cancer and are doing treatments you are usually on a steroid and that basically gives you roid rage. This is something she needs to speak with her husband oncologist about. They can give home something to balance out his system.


  

Jennifer, Crunchy Student Midwife, Wife and mother to Hannah 13, Abby 8 and  Liam born June 15 2009

maidenmouse
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:50 PM

Cancer treatments often involve steroids and they cause severe anger!!!! It is medical and not avoidable. Talk to her again and see if he is on them if he is get involed and talk to his doctor!!!! They can not give you any info but they will listen to you!! Maybe they could change the steroid or something.

Proud mom of a hero battling cancer. Also a proud mom of my older kids that have been so tolerant of this life changing experience. www.caringbridge.org/visit/chunn Yesterday is history, tommorow is a mystery, today is a gift that is why we call it the present. 

maidenmouse
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:51 PM

I guess we think alike LOL

Quoting Forget-me-not:

Not to defend her husband but the truth is when you have cancer and are doing treatments you are usually on a steroid and that basically gives you roid rage. This is something she needs to speak with her husband oncologist about. They can give home something to balance out his system.


Proud mom of a hero battling cancer. Also a proud mom of my older kids that have been so tolerant of this life changing experience. www.caringbridge.org/visit/chunn Yesterday is history, tommorow is a mystery, today is a gift that is why we call it the present. 

alexhuntercody
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:54 PM

well it probably is the cancer meds.  I wouldn't encourage her to leave him just yet she needs someone to talk to and probbaly someone who can tell her to talk to his doctors first thing tomorrow about what happened.

rhope4
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:06 PM

I've heard of roid rage, but not in connection with cancer.  Could this be why she's being turned down at the shelter?  I'm really afraid for this woman, but I have a job myself and find it hard to go with them to their doctor, if I'm even welcome to do so.

mommibee
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:08 PM

Tell her to go with her husband to the doctor's so they can talk about this issue together.

Quoting maidenmouse:

I guess we think alike LOL

Quoting Forget-me-not:

Not to defend her husband but the truth is when you have cancer and are doing treatments you are usually on a steroid and that basically gives you roid rage. This is something she needs to speak with her husband oncologist about. They can give home something to balance out his system.



ladypyro
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:10 PM

well mabey call an info line  that can give you some information  on shelters.... or theres the internet.....also theres a BIG  difference beetween hitting someone and killing them btw. 

kk_bella
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:12 PM

The only thing I can tell you is that dying a slow, painful death has turned many of my loved ones into very mean, nasty people. It is a part of dying from cancer and other illnesses. My step dad is currently dying, he will be dead in two years, he has begun to be very nasty towards people. I'm not saying it is acceptable, but that it is human nature. It is what it is.

rhope4
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:18 PM

Hitting is how it starts though.

Quoting ladypyro:

well mabey call an info line  that can give you some information  on shelters.... or theres the internet.....also theres a BIG  difference beetween hitting someone and killing them btw. 


texasgirl1982
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:33 PM

I don't know what medications her husband is on, but my grandfather recently passed away.  He was on several major pain meds and they caused him to hallucinate, disoriented, and have major mood swings.  Not only that but just the stress of him knowing he was dying and not having any control over it was very hard on him.  The nearer to the end things got there were days he was very angry and hurtful to everyone. 

At one point he thought my Aunt and her husband had killed someone and was running from the law.  He was also convinced that there was a bomb in the house.  Had he not been so weak he quite possibly could have hurt himself or someone else.

I am not excusing the fact he hit his wife, but he may very well not be in full control mentaly.   My Grandfather was never  abusive person, but near the end there were days he was verbally abusive to my Grandmother and others who were there.

Is hospice involved with her and her husband?  They were a wonderful suport system for my Grandparents and our family.  They told us of many of the things that could happen as his illness progessed and how we could deal with them as they came.  In the very least my family had someone to talk to that was understanding and supportive.

I would suggest  helping her with info for a hospice program or canncer support group if this is not normal behavior for her husband.

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