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How do you respond to incredibly unthoughtful remarks?

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:06 PM
  • 6 Replies

I have had 14 miscarriages in 5 years. My longest pregnancy lasted into the 16th week. I don't have a problem getting pregnant, just carrying the baby. It's a mystery to every one of the doctors my husband and I have been to, since we have a 7 year old daughter and my pregnancy with her was near perfect.

So today, I'm out to lunch with some girlfriends, and sitting at a nearby table was a family and an obviously very new baby. All I said was,"Awww, what a sweetie, I want one!" and my friend Jill says, "You know, you and [DH] are trying too hard...you always hear of people having babies when they stop trying. Quit trying!"

I was kind of in shock...for us, it's not about trying...I am able to become pregnant. I just can't keep a baby! What does she not get? I'm still upset.

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:06 PM
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Replies (1-6):
liddellmama
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:08 PM

 OMG how very rude!! I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain.  :(

         
            


MsRich0225
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:09 PM

 Oooh. She didn't mean any harm but yeah....

coolmommy2x
by Ruby Member on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:09 PM

I am certainly not one to condone bad behavior but maybe she thought she was being helpful and/or sympathetic.  Unless you've been in your shoes (I haven't, I only had 1 miscarriage), you can't imagine what it is like.  Sometimes people can be so thoughtless and rude without meaning to be.  If she's a good friend, I'd chalk it up to an honest mistake.  Sorry for your losses. 

kat4life06
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:10 PM

Assuming she knows (or even if she doesn't) your situation. It seems to me that she may have just misplaced/mis-worded some friendly picker-upper. It is something that you would say to any other friend if you knew they were trying. I don't think that she meant any harm by it but  she definitely could have been a bit more sensitive. Just talk to about it and ask her to refrain from mentioning getting/being/trying to be pregnant around/to you because of the sensitivity of the subject to you. :)

Mommy to Alex Lee Cox (Nov 14, 2007) who is big brother to:

Pregnancy%20ticker

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization." - George Carlin

"You keep accusing me of blasphemy all the time, but I cannot be convicted of a victimless crime." - Dan Barker

"There is no reason to believe God exists, so I don't." - Victor J. Stenger

"I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world." - Richard Dawkins

"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them." - Dave Barry


wife.and.mommy
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:19 PM

i dont think she meant any harm to it, and i do think you are over-reacting just a tad.

my group of friends tell each other what we think.. and a friend of mine has a hard time with pregnancies as well (5 miscarriages in 2 years)

well she was venting to me one day and i said stop stressing everytime you get knocked up and maybe it will stick.  sure enough 9 months later her son was born.

she stressed way to much when she got pregnant, and the stress was part of her miscarrying.

if shes your friend you should be able to handle her candidness

lifehappy
by on Jan. 4, 2010 at 9:03 AM


Quoting wife.and.mommy:

i dont think she meant any harm to it, and i do think you are over-reacting just a tad.

my group of friends tell each other what we think.. and a friend of mine has a hard time with pregnancies as well (5 miscarriages in 2 years)

well she was venting to me one day and i said stop stressing everytime you get knocked up and maybe it will stick.  sure enough 9 months later her son was born.

she stressed way to much when she got pregnant, and the stress was part of her miscarrying.

if shes your friend you should be able to handle her candidness

But this is what I'm talking about. I have seen teams of specialists...my husband, too. My friend little piece of "advice" isn't the miracle cure I've been looking for, lol...oh, how easy the doctors would have it if it were.

I know my friend didn't mean to be crass, but it still hurt. I'm not overreacting...I was a little upset, but I didn't get mad, throw a tantrum, or lash back at her. After all, I wasn't even "venting"...I made a comment that ANYONE might make, fertile or not. I don't see her remark as candid...as my friend, it was insensitive, yes.

I think it's great your friend was able to carry her baby...but I highly doubt your words of wisdom had anything to do with it.

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