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staying in a marriage out of loyalty

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 12:11 AM
  • 39 Replies

is it bad to stay in a marriage out of loyalty? or is that the way it should be? been married just short of 7 years and I really struggle. I am still not sure if it's me or him. I feel like I do all the changing. I am ok half the time and totally frustrated the rest of the time. He gives me aroof over my head and is an affectionate person who loves me enough. why can't that be enough for me? I wouldn't get a divorce, and make him leave his kids. and I'm sure its "the grass is always greener on the other side theory" There are things that i'd struggle with with anyone. But i really struggle that i'm so loyal to him and wish things would get better in so many ways. I'm so frustrated married and with the issues we have. He wont go to counseling and wont change and I am so frustrated. I do not even know what to do so things don't bug me so bad about how we are. we butt heads on what feels like everything {besides money} I don't even like him more then half the time. It's so sad. does it ever get easier? I don't know what has to change, but mand i'm sick of it all! I will probably start counseling...alone...:(

by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 12:11 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MixedCooke
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 1:12 AM

Hmmmmmmm because my MIL says it gets easier after 5 years.  Give him an ultimatum, tell him to go to couseling or you are going to file for divorce.  You should not be the only one compromising yourself.  A marriage is all about compromising and he needs to as well.  If you are miserable, believe me the children are aware and they deserve at least one happy parent!

futureshock
by Emerald Member on Jan. 25, 2010 at 6:22 AM

I'd stay for the children unless he got abusive, cheated, or became a drug addict.

VJennyLynnS
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 6:37 AM

In my opinion if you aren't happy then why stay? but trust me i know leaving is a lot easier said than done. i've been married for almost 2 years and I don't feel loved, i'm lonely. I'm sick of the fact that my husband does nothing to help me with our children or the housework. He works comes home and gets on his xbox eats and sleeps. besides going to the bathroom and showering that is all he does.. then he wonders why I don't want sex. i need to feel something to have sex with someone. I don't feel anything towards him anymore but resentment.. but yet i'm still here. why? i have no clue. maybe it is out of loyalty like you said or maybe part of me thinks it is what is best for the children but whatever it is isn't making me happy. I remember being happy once and havn't been in a long time. Its hard when you have been with someone so long to imagine life without them. I think that counseling may help in your situation and in mine. If i had the money i would go. I was doing counseling with my pastor but he's a town away and money is tight right now so i havn't been able to go.. just do what you think is best for you and your children. they deserve a mommy who is happy and loved and if that isn't with your husband then something has gotta change. I hope everything works out for the best for you.

Brittanie0327
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 6:43 AM

Try the Love Dare. Seriously.. I've heard it's saved a lot of marriages. You'll see a change in him as you go through it. I'm starting it on Valentine's Day. I think it'll be a huge help. Even if you don't feel like you love him.. Just try it. :) Good luck. And yes. I would stay out of loyalty. 

Remember, love isn't a feeling.. It's a choice. I know we think that we should always feel 'in love', but it's just not reality. I think every wife, and husband go through times when they think, was I really IN LOVE? or, Why doesn't this feel like it used to? But we have to step back and remember... That love is not just a feeling, we can never trust our feelings, because they change constantly, and are so unreliable. But love is a choice, it's a commitment, it's hardwork. But so worth it.

Hugs. Hope I helped some.. Good luck momma.

MamaTasha08
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 6:52 AM

You just described my life!  I stay because my son deserves to have a father and I'm not willing to miss out on Holidays or anything with, my son because I wasn't willing to give my marriage a chance.  Besides, I don't want to date so the only thing that would change is that I would actually be alone instead of just feeling alone.  I'm giving my marriage some more time and I just hope that we can turn it around.

OP, I'm sorry I don't really have any advice.  I hope I'm not still feeling the way I do 5 years from now.  Have you always been unhappy?  I'm just wondering because no one's marriage is always happy and it's possible to fall in and out of love with people.  Sometimes couples go through periods where they can't stand each other, but they stick it out and end up falling in love again.  I have never been "in love" with anyone besides my son so I wouldn't know anything about falling in and out of love, but I've been told about it by several people.

Quoting VJennyLynnS:

In my opinion if you aren't happy then why stay? but trust me i know leaving is a lot easier said than done. i've been married for almost 2 years and I don't feel loved, i'm lonely. I'm sick of the fact that my husband does nothing to help me with our children or the housework. He works comes home and gets on his xbox eats and sleeps. besides going to the bathroom and showering that is all he does.. then he wonders why I don't want sex. i need to feel something to have sex with someone. I don't feel anything towards him anymore but resentment.. but yet i'm still here. why? i have no clue. maybe it is out of loyalty like you said or maybe part of me thinks it is what is best for the children but whatever it is isn't making me happy. I remember being happy once and havn't been in a long time. Its hard when you have been with someone so long to imagine life without them. I think that counseling may help in your situation and in mine. If i had the money i would go. I was doing counseling with my pastor but he's a town away and money is tight right now so i havn't been able to go.. just do what you think is best for you and your children. they deserve a mommy who is happy and loved and if that isn't with your husband then something has gotta change. I hope everything works out for the best for you.


143myboys9496
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2010 at 7:09 AM

I've been married for almost 19 yrs..(this Aug). And I canNOT tell you that I so competely and totally understand how you feel. Our issues haven't changed in 19 yrs. Oh-he's mellowed, and I know he loves me and is happy, and hasn't cheated. But the root of what makes me feel, unhappy, alone and essentially unloved haven't changed..at all.

It's been such a low, low ebb that I wrestled, with cheating. Something I NEVER EVER felt before, or even entered my mind. I've gotten past that and am proud to say I didn't. But I'm still surprised and disappointed at myself that..well my feelings got that far.

I talked to my dh. And NO he's not going to counseling, but I will, even if it's by myself. I need to be the best me I can, not only for ME, but for my kids. I owe it to them. So going to counseling, even by youself IS doing something. I've heard about the Love Dare...that's something else you could try. From how I understand it works, it can actually motivate him to change.

If you need to talk feel free to pm me. I'm here for you.

I wish you all the best.

ashley22ky
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 7:13 AM

If you're unhappy and you feel you've tried everything, I say leave. I don't believe woman should stay with their husbands "because of the kids". It's BS. My mom stayed with my dad "for us" until she finally couldn't take it no more and left. I was 11 and wish she had left when I was 4 or 5, would have been much easier then the years of them always arguing and clearly seeing how unhappy she was. AFTER the divorce was the happiest time for me. We still got to see my dad on weekends, which was fine, and mom was finally happy, which was great.....much better. Your kids know if you're unhappy, and they would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

BarbaraJean1961
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 7:18 AM

You don't honestly believe that is is better to stay for the kids - you do them NO favor by raising them in an unhappy home - they pick up on everything!

Quoting futureshock:

I'd stay for the children unless he got abusive, cheated, or became a drug addict.


retsillacam
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 7:22 AM

You said "he won't change." What is it you feel he should change? Was he this way when you met him? Unless it's abuse, adultery, or addiction why should he HAVE to change?

BarbaraJean1961
by on Jan. 25, 2010 at 7:24 AM

I don't get why anyone would choose to stay in a relationship that is a constant struggle...There is a point where you have to say enough is enough! If your partner is not doing anything to make your so called choice work, why keep fighting the battle? Love is a feeling - I sure wouldn't choose (the choice) to spend my life with someone I have no feeling of love for!

Quoting Brittanie0327:

Try the Love Dare. Seriously.. I've heard it's saved a lot of marriages. You'll see a change in him as you go through it. I'm starting it on Valentine's Day. I think it'll be a huge help. Even if you don't feel like you love him.. Just try it. :) Good luck. And yes. I would stay out of loyalty. 

Remember, love isn't a feeling.. It's a choice.  I know we think that we should always feel 'in love', but it's just not reality. I think every wife, and husband go through times when they think, was I really IN LOVE? or, Why doesn't this feel like it used to? But we have to step back and remember... That love is not just a feeling, we can never trust our feelings, because they change constantly, and are so unreliable. But love is a choice, it's a commitment, it's hardwork. But so worth it.

Hugs. Hope I helped some.. Good luck momma.


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